Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend over the internet a little over a year ago we talked every day and soon discovered we had feelings for each other and as time went on, they grew. I know it’s silly to a lot of people for someone so young to say this, but I am really in love with him. Despite the distance and despite never talking to each other in person we’re both in love.
The problem is, I’m horribly insecure. When we don’t talk for a while I just sort of mope around. You see, I’m always the one to initiate the contact with him whether it be through phone, chat or anything. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t care if we talk either way. I’ve thought about not calling him for a week to see if he’ll call me but I usually brake after the first day. I love him with all my heart but sometimes I just feel like I’m loving more then I should be. More than he loves me even. I don’t know why but it really bothers me. I’ve had a history with relationships and they’ve all involved me getting hurt so I guess I’m just waiting for him to find someone better than me. I just can’t think straight on this subject so…what do you think?
Why am I always doubting him?
– Heart and Soul for Him
Dear Heart and Soul,
You doubt him because you’re smart. Eight months into a relationship with a guy you have not met in person you shouldn’t have flawless trust in him. I hate to sound cynical, but it’s true. At some point, all of us have to jump in with both feet to make our relationships work, but the beginning of an internet romance isn’t the time to be doing that. You are right to be wary, protect yourself and keep your thoughts realistic. It might not work out. He might be completely different in person. He might not be as serious about this relationship as you are. He might find someone else. These things do happen all too often, and it’s healthy to recognize that.
In many relationships, especially in the early stages of dating, things are not equal. Often one partner is more serious, more giving, or needier emotionally, than the other. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as it does not become a permanent facet of the relationship. In a very general sense, relationships tend to be more important to women than to men. What you are feeling is normal. Even the moping – though that’s not terribly healthy and you should nip it in the bud when you can!
I think that you should continue as you are and allow this love to unfold and blossom between you. Don’t let your thoughts get the better of you, and don’t be afraid to gently address how you feel with him. It’s fine to seek occasional reassurance, or to request a little more effort, or if you are prepared for any honest answer to even candidly ask how he feels.
It’s all good, really.
Dear Miss U,
I recently found out that my significant other has messed around with three other women while we have been dating. We both agree that we want to get married and I simply cannot imagine my life without him or his family, but I have no idea how to even begin trusting him again. We live roughly 2000 miles away so it is not as far as a lot of people and we do see each other once every month and a half or two months. I’ve spoken to him so much about the subject so it is helping but I’m not sure what else to do. PLEASE any advice you have would be so helpful I just want to move past this and forgive him as well as trust him again.
– Megan
Hello Megan,
I am sorry for being brutal but you two have been together only 11 months. And in that time he’s broken your trust not once but three times. There is obviously a problem here. He may blame the distance and missing you or just plain being horny and you’re not around or whatever, but two months or less is not a long time to be abstinent between visits. What I wonder is what happens if you become ill, or when you bear children and can’t have sex for a while? What happens if one of you has to fly home to be with family and the other can’t go (once you close the distance in the future) and you’re apart again? What happens when the relationship moves into that ‘comfortable’ stage where sex stops being so thrilling because the chase and mystery are gone?
By rights in 11 months he should still be so excited in the first flushes of love and attraction that he doesn’t have eyes for anyone else – regardless of how far away you are. Granted, I don’t know how long you had been together when these incidents occurred – perhaps he didn’t realize your relationship was as serious/ exclusive – or how close together they were. I don’t think people who cheat are necessarily bad people, but it does show there’s an issue. I do feel that if you personally need an honest AND monogamous relationship, you may be looking in the wrong place. I’m not saying that he can’t change, or that he doesn’t want to be faithful, but the odds don’t look so great.
That doesn’t answer your question though.
Time and good behavior tend to be the only things that heal trust. There’s no quick fix, and no real technique to it (or if there is, I’m out of the loop). You just have to give him the chance to do the right thing, and in the meantime not make him or yourself suffer over what’s in the past. When you feel yourself getting suspicious, stop and remind yourself that you’re letting this issue go. Be firm with yourself and then find a distraction. In time, his actions will be all the balm your insecurity needs.
