Miss You Issues: Worried Unto Death - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I met someone who was visiting my city (Vancouver), yet was going back home to NJ at the end of the week. To make a long story short we had the most wonderful week together. Instead of staying at his hotel, he ended up staying with me each night. We were both very open and honest with each other about our thoughts and feelings and agreed to try an LDR. We both felt this was crazy but amazing. He may have even accidentally dropped the “L” word subtly in conversation.

We try to FaceTime which has been great, but he’s really not good at texting. I’ve told him this and he knows he isn’t very good at expressing feelings via text. Unfortunately, it makes me feel like he’s losing interest (but he’s not I don’t think)…he said he’s being cautious. He said he went into this without expectations, which I find hard to understand. We have plans to see each other in 2 months (for new years). I’m feeling more sad than happy. I wish he would tell me he misses me or was more expressive and enthusiastic. I’m not sure how to do LDR… How to make it work. What would you suggest to keep the spark going?

Communication Blues

Dear Communication Blues,

Contrary to popular belief, not everyone texts. Some people really just don’t like texting. Some people take a long time to get comfortable expressing feelings in that way, others find it fiddly and time-consuming. Personally, I feel that text messages are a great way to have lots of miscommunication and that there are better platforms to host your communications on.

He’s not good at texting, you’re not feeling it via text… how about just don’t text? Use text messages for the short immediate things like “I’ve got some fancy cheese, mind picking up a new year’s wine?” and save the emotional stuff for FaceTime. You can experiment with different apps too, perhaps there’s another he could get a feel for. Snapchat might be right up his alley, he can send quick little videos that delete themselves, instead of trying to type up words that make him feel silly.

As for no expectations, some people are like that. They just have this gift of not worrying, not having to know what’s coming. This is still a very new relationship, and I feel like if you don’t take a deep breath and roll with it you will squash the life out of it before it has a chance to blossom.

Keep it fun, I believe fun is the essence of that spark. You need to enjoy the time you have together otherwise you’ll both make fewer reasons to connect.

Don’t worry your relationship to death.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years, he only lives three hours away so we still see each other on weekends. He (somewhat reluctantly) said he would be willing to move to my town, he’s from a capital city. I have had a full-time job for over two years here and he’s just started out part time in his career where he lives, is it selfish of me to pressure him to move to me instead of me to him? I’m not seeing any action on his half to move when he said he would in the first place. I love him to bits and we really click, it’s just this huge hump in the road and neither of us wants to leave our towns, is this common? Am I being selfish to pressure him to move away from his friends?

Too long waiting

Dear Too Long,

That’s just too long!

Is your full-time job a job you love that you intend to stick with? Is it a career job, or a throw-away job? Can he find work in your town or is his career reliant on city living? These are the questions I think you need to be asking.

If you’re working a job you don’t like and haven’t trained for, but you refuse to move on the grounds it’s full-time and his isn’t that’s a bit slack because you’re likely going to be looking for work in the not too distant future, but if this position means a lot to you and you want to stick with it because it enriches your life, then no, you’re not being selfish or asking too much.

Honestly, I can’t understand why he took a job there when you’ve been together five years and it would have been the perfect opportunity to relocate, but the fact he did tells me he doesn’t really intend to move even if he has agreed to do so. That leaves you with both of you moving half way and having a ridiculous commute each day, you moving and possibly resenting him, or you telling him good bye.

This is a really common problem. It’s hard! So hard in fact that Mr. E and I have agreed to never settle in one place. Every few years we have agreed we will move back to the other person’s family and friends; because neither of us can fathom permanently being away from “home” nor can we face a future without each other. Obviously, this is a solution that would be ridiculous with a three-hour distance, but it should show you that you’re not alone.

Talk to him. Again. Tell him you are done being long distance, that this can’t go on indefinitely and so a solution needs to be reached and a plan put into action to achieve it, or you’re going to need to go separate ways. Discuss what compromises you can make so that he isn’t feeling ripped off and resentful and neither are you.

It’s not selfish to ask him to make the move. Your career is just as important as his. Your family and friends are just as important as his. And if he can drive three hours to see you on a weekend there’s no reason he couldn’t do it to visit his mates every few weeks instead.