Miss You Issues: Where's The Love? - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

This is the 2nd time that I find myself in a LDR, and it seems that I am going the same way as the last one.

I’ve met my bf 3 years ago at school, we became very close friends and started dating 10 months ago. He is the 1st person who is able to understand me, read my mind, make me discover things about myself, it’s the 1st time that I have been able to open myself up to someone else. He is very good at communicating and I was lacking that in my previous relationship.

I had to move abroad for work, from France, where he still is, to the US where I am now. I have a 6-month contract and it’s already been 3 months. He came to visit me 1 month ago during a week but we were both very tense and had painful conversations, so didn’t enjoy it a lot.

Now, I am again drifting away from my LDR. I know he’s still a great person, but I just don’t think as much about talking to him. He wants to Skype but I don’t feel the urge too, even though we Skype every weekend. Earlier he asked me when he could see me during the Christmas holiday, when I’m coming home for a week, and I didn’t even think about that.

We were feeling so confident and connected before I left, it’s sad. We give ourselves chances, but he misses me and I’m not sure I do. Why do I want to avoid him? It’s unfair but I hate that he’s dependent on me for happiness, while I’ve learned to break away from everything in my life in order to move on. I don’t want to lose this rare, unique person, but I keep eyeing people here.

Jane

Dear Jane,

I feel like I’m always harping on about love being a choice but… sometimes love needs to be a choice. Sometimes someone is such a perfect match that you need to choose to love them and push through the imperfect situation.

I get the feeling also that you’re not putting in the effort to make the LDR fun. You’re not laughing together, sharing things you’re passionate about, investing in your romantic and sexual interactions. You’re just talking a bit and doing a lot of waiting. No wonder you’re forgetting why you like this guy and losing the will to fight for him when you’re not nurturing the things that hold a relationship together! It takes a lot more than skyping once a week to make this work.

Other advice columnists I’m sure would tell you, “maybe you’re just not suited to long distance relationships” but personally I feel that’s taking the easy road out. I feel any of us have the power to succeed at long distance. With that said, I would advise in future not taking jobs that require you to move away or making sure your partner is willing to move too if you personally feel long distance isn’t something you’re going to master.

Meanwhile, you’re more than half way there. Maybe instead of spending less and less time with him, you could make him a priority. Have fun together so you can remember why you like him. Feed your connection rather than starving it. Only then are you going to truly know if you’re over him or simply still learning how to go the distance.

Dear Miss U,

Me and my girl have been dating for a couple months and we’ve been in long distance relationship for over a year and a half. Last October I went back home and celebrated our 2nd year anniversary. But prior to that, before I went back home, we’ve been in a rough situation since August. Then we tried fixing things when I went home. We did go out-of-town, we go out, and we did catch up. But things are not getting better, she kept on telling me that it’s not improving our situation, and she told me she’s not happy anymore as we are before I left. It’s like the spark on her has faded. Then a week before I left, we broke up. I tried to talk things into her and she told me that she can’t take it anymore, and she’s confused about a lot of things in her life, that if asked whether she still loved me, she kept on nagging that “I don’t know anymore” (i.e. about her career, her personal plans-that got postponed because of our own plans together, loneliness) Well, I got to talk to her last week but she kept on telling me that we have to move on. But it’s damn hard for me because we were so good before. Our parents, friends, and co-workers are cool with our relationship. I just can’t take it that we broke up. She stood up and hang on our relationship together with me, but in the end-she let go of us. Sometimes I ask her if I went back earlier than I had planned, could things change between us? All I got was tears from her. I just feel broken and empty right now.

Soldier of love

Dear Soldier of love,

I’m sorry for your pain. Sadly, both people (or all people) in a relationship need to want to work on it for it to get better. If she’s thrown in the towel, if her heart is spent, there just isn’t a whole lot you can do about it. We can’t control other people, we can only control ourselves.

You can step back into a friendship role and support her while she figures her life out, if you can cope with that and if she’s interested in staying in contact, but even so you have to accept that after she puts everything back together there might not be a place for you. There is no sure bet in love.

Sometimes we get so overwhelmed with life we can’t untangle our feelings about a person or situation or desire from our feelings about everything else. It is as though a giant net of failure is cast on top of everything that makes up life and holds it down as one inseparable load. It sounds like this is what is happening to her right now, and that she could use some help getting to a place where she can enjoy life again.

Before you worry about her though, you need to worry about yourself and your own healing. Be your own best friend. This is a huge blow you’ve taken and it’s normal to feel torn apart, lost and desperate. Work through your feelings and do what you need to do for yourself during this troubled time. Ask for support from the people you trust and most of all don’t get tangled up in blaming yourself; we all do the best we can with what we’ve got, and most of us can’t predict the future.

Be kind to yourself.