Miss You Issues: Something Unexpected - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

My So and I have been dating for 5 months, I’ve had a first trip to meet him (from France to Canada) in September and already planned everything to go back in February.

I want to surprise him but I don’t know what to do. I’ll explain myself. I told him initially that I was going to be here on Valentine’s Day but I finally got to be able to be here on Feb 4th. I know his best friends and I could plan it all to surprise him on this day with them but I have no idea how I could. I can’t go knock on his door since he is still living at his parent’s house and I don’t want to be any bother.

He is living in Calgary so I could try to ask his best friends to ask him to join them in a restaurant or something like this but he never goes to restaurants then I guess it would be obvious that it’s me…

If you have any idea of how I could surprise him and of how I could explain the fact I’ll stay during 13 hours without being able to text him…

Thanks a lot!
Evylania

Dear Evylania,

The best course of action would be to collaborate with one of his parents, doing so will help them see you as respectful rather than a bother. Remember they want to see their son happy, and they probably want to know more about the person he’s in love with. If you don’t have their emails or phone numbers perhaps one of his best friends can get it for you.

Besides that, I’m sure he goes somewhere. Maybe he goes to the movies, and you can be there when he comes out at the end with his mates. Maybe he hangs out at game stores playing old table top games. Perhaps there’s another place that’s easier than a restaurant for his friends to lure him to: indoor rock climbing, ice skating, laser tag? You know him better than I do. Everyone has to leave the house at some point.

Good luck

Dear Miss U,

I am currently in a long distance relationship with a guy that I’ve been talking to since August of this year. In the beginning, it was very apparent that he was into me. He initiated all text conversations, he called me a few times a week, he wanted to see me and made plans to do so, etc. He would tell me how much he liked me and cared for me, talk about me to his family, friends, you name it. We had also both decided we wanted to be exclusively dating.

Fast forward a few months and his best friend moved to the city where he lives in November, right about the same time when his roommate became single. All of the sudden, the texts decreased, he didn’t call on the phone as much, didn’t say sweet things anymore. It felt like he was no longer revealing himself emotionally to me. In addition, he started going out a lot more to bars and told me it was because his friend had moved to town and always wanted to do things.

We just started calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend but now he said he is struggling with long distance and doesn’t know if he can put in the effort it will take to keep the relationship alive cause he’s worried that when he comes to visit me he may miss out on stuff with his friends. He also said he’s unsure if he’s ready for a full blown relationship or not, when before he was definitely on board. But he said he doesn’t want to end things and he wants to try and make it work. What should I do? Should I give him space?

Troubled in Texas

Dear Troubled in Texas,

It does sound an awful lot like he’s not ready for a relationship. He is worried that when he goes to VISIT the person he LOVES and NEVER GETS TO SEE he may MISS OUT on stuff with his friends who he sees ALL THE DAMN TIME? Uh, no. I’m sorry. You’re worth more than that.

I get that this is a new relationship, and no one wants to be that person who ditches their friends every time they are dating. I’m glad he’s got more loyalty than that, but at the same time I would hope the lure of being with you and making up for all the stuff he’s missed out on in the time you spend apart would outweigh any slight misgivings. With that said, we all need to learn how to balance the different relationships in our lives; hopefully given time and experience he will get better at doing so.

What you should do needs to be based on what you need from this relationship and how you feel. I personally would move on to open the way for someone who was willing to make me a priority regardless of what was happening in his friend’s lives, but you might be comfortable continuing on with the level of contact you are getting now and seeing if things improve once the novelty of his friend living closer wears off. Being a young relationship I think it’s fine to slow it right down and see where it goes, I don’t feel his actions or words at this point need to be a deal breaker if you’re content to give him space. Either way, you need to do what is right for you; what do you want to do?