Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I met in the states and have been together ever since. She has since gone back to England and we are now navigating the visa situation to allow one of us to make the big move. But she is freaking out, constantly questioning if she is strong enough to do the long distance now, and the big move later, saying that we should just give up because it’s going to be so difficult. I don’t know what to do, she already knows that I love her, and after I tell her to have hope, she still feels lost. She is my anchor, how do I be an anchor for her in this difficult time?
Kat
Dear Kat,
Nothing worth doing is ever easy. I think someone wise once said that!
The visa process is not easy, so I would start by comforting her and letting her know her fears are not unfounded and that it’s perfectly normal to feel a bit overwhelmed. Sometimes people need more than just words though; they need to be shown it is ok. Bring out your practical side, and break down everything you need to do for the visa into easy steps. It will be a long list, but each task on its own is less frightening. There is nothing on that list you cannot do – so show her that. Yes, it will take time and money. And some of it will seem ridiculous, over the top or tedious – but every bit of it can be done if you take it one step at a time.
Being her anchor for the long distance is a bit harder. Tell her that it simply does not make sense to break up with someone over the distance. It’s basically saying “I don’t see you enough, so I never want to see you again!” and really, that is a bit silly. What’s a couple of years compared to the rest of your lives? What you can do for her is listen to her, and make sure she feels validated. You can make the relationship as fun as possible, so she remembers every day why it is worth it and so she does not feel she’s missing out on anything. You can be there for her emotionally, and be your own loveable self, and hopefully that will be enough.
She might not be able to do years of long distance. But she can do one more day. And tomorrow, she can probably face one more day. Eventually one more day turns into a week, then a month, then a year. Both of you need to just keep giving one more day, one day at a time.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are considering taking things to the next level. I’ve always had a time frame for him coming to live near me and that frame is closing in. Unfortunately, due to financial and family circumstances we are both at a loss for what exactly needs to be done in preparation for him to live in another state. He won’t have a car, or a job and maybe not enough for insurance. I’m afraid that things may be too soon for him, but I can’t wait forever. I’ve never done something as big as this before either. What does he need to do or have done before making this big step? Thank you.
Sherrie
One thing is for sure, Sherrie, you can never plan enough when it comes to closing the distance, because closing the distance is not the hard part – keeping the distance closed is.
The first thing to do is talk! Talk about everything even if it seems stupid. Talk about how often you expect to see each other, what he’s going to do to make new friends, what your expectations are. If you can think up a question, ask it!
You will need savings. It’s hard to say how much because every area is a bit different, but a general guide is enough money to live off for six months without work.
It is also in his best interests if he starts job searching before he moves. Likely he won’t actually get a job out of it if he’s not available to work immediately, but it will get his name out there, it will give him practice and it’s a type of networking that could really help if he is looking for a career job.
If he doesn’t have a car, he’ll need to learn all about what public transport is available to him – and besides, it’s better for the environment! Many workplaces are going green and installing shower facilities so that employees may bicycle to work, perhaps find out if this is happening in your area as it might be a viable (and cheaper) option for him to start out with.
He needs to figure out what to do with his belongings. Is he selling things? Having them shipped? Hiring a removal truck? Having them stored? Would it be cheaper for him to sell his large items and re-buy them, or to have them shipped? Put aside extra cash for things that may break; be lost or that he might not have access to after he moves.
The first thing he will have to do is hook up a phone. It’s hard to get work without a phone!
Make a back-up plan in case the move does not go smoothly or he can’t find work.
Most importantly, don’t have him make the move if he’s not financially ready and mentally prepared, and be willing to chip in. If he’s moving for you, you have a responsibility to look after him.
It’s better to wait an extra six months than to fail and lose a year of hard work.
