Dear Miss U,
My LDR boyfriend recently broke up with me. He was a very insecure boy who always thought I would leave him, although I never had such intentions.
Here at uni, I found a friend, a boy. We used to study together and hang out at night. I never developed feelings for him though. One late night after studying and hanging out alone, he gave me a hug. I knew my boyfriend would hate it, but I told my bf, the truth anyway. He immediately broke up with me.
The next day, I was frustrated and sad, and I don’t know what came over me but I made out with my friend. As soon as we started kissing, I didn’t like it, but my friend didn’t let me stop. Although my ex now, I came clean to him, he called me a slut and never spoke to me properly since.
It’s been 3 weeks. I miss him so much, I have been trying very hard to communicate with him. I loved him so much and I know he did too. I still love him and I want him back in my life, at least as a friend. I am so devastated and broken. Is this really my fault? Did I cheat on him? I feel like I did. How can I win him back? Or at least how can I make him talk to me again?
I know he means the world to me, but I have been in relationships before this and of course, they have ended and I dealt with it fine. But with him, I cannot move on at all, and I feel like I never will be able to. What should I do? Should I move on? Please help.
Thank you in advance.
Regretful
Dear Regretful,
Infidelity isn’t a cut-and-dried thing. Cheating is, essentially, breaking the agreed-upon rules of your particular relationship. In my relationship, a hug is not cheating, even if I instigate it, but I suppose other couples don’t hug their parents, grandparents, friends or peers and for those people a hug might possibly be considered cheating.
Your hug, however, was still not cheating even by these standards because you were hugged WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Your friend hugged you. Without an invite. Even if you liked it, it’s still not cheating. You can’t control what other people do.
I feel like your boyfriend completely over-reacted but I also don’t know why you thought you needed to confess this hug in the first place. Both of you are making mountains out of molehills here.
As to your “friend”: first there’s the non-consensual hugging and then he didn’t “let you stop” kissing after you withdrew your consent for that activity. This dude is not your friend. He doesn’t respect you, your boundaries or your relationships and you need to stop hanging out with him as a matter of safety.
My advice is to move on from both these guys and find yourself a nice stable boy who doesn’t give in to melodrama, doesn’t call you names like a child, respects you, trusts you and talks through relationship problems with you rather than giving up the minute someone hugs you against your will.
Moving on isn’t easy, but like you said, you’ve done it before and you can do it again.
Dear Miss U,
So… after 22 months of LDR dating I feel like we are losing the “sparkle”. I love him a lot, he loves me a lot, and you can call me crazy but I know he’s the one to marry.
I tried to do “couple stuff” but in the distance, such as watching the same shows, but it won’t work out since I’m focusing on school and I can’t watch tv as much as him so he finishes them without waiting on me. I tried for him to read a good book with me but he won’t cause he doesn’t like reading. Me neither, to be honest, but I just feel like that would be cute to do and I would have sacrificed for him but he won’t… I don’t know what to do anymore to keep the sparkle going! Please help! I would love some advice about stuff we could do together in the distance and that are suitable for both him and me! Thanks in advance!
Leah7
Dear Leah,
You’ve told me what you don’t like to do, but not what you do like to do. Find something you both actually like, find a way to do it over distance and commit to only doing it with each other/ saving a specific character/show/project to do together. What about cooking? Even if you hate it you still have to eat; may as well have some company. Video games? Scrapbooking? Role playing? Working out? Michelle has a huge list of ideas on the main website.
Beyond that, nothing stays new and shiny forever. Your relationship still needs to be fun and for the passion to flare when prodded, but over time there will be less sparkle. There comes a point in every relationship where the initial attraction wears off and the hard work begins; where love stops being just an emotion and starts being a choice. This transition brings its own rewards and isn’t something to fear if it’s happening to you; it doesn’t spell the death of your relationship.
What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!
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Comments 1
That first letter really reminds me of me. Same thing happened with one of my relationships, exactly the same. Doing a double take on the year though, this happened nearly now about 6-7 years before. I'm different now, but back then I wasn't really too mature and would feel odd about that kind of thing. If you're both young, probably that has more to do with the problem than anything. If you value the friendship, try later on would be my opinion.