Miss You Issues: Trust Me On This - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

Me and this girl have been in a relationship for over 2 years and we both have done some stupid stuff but have always got through it. I left for basic training Sept 27th 2016 and 3 months before we both had sex with other people on the exact same day. She ended up telling me when she was drunk and I never told her because I didn’t think it would work at this point.

We both decided that we were going to make this work and have a LDR so I went to boot camp. During basic training she wrote me a letter asking me if I had ever cheated on her without her knowing. We were talking about marriage and it was getting pretty intense so I decided to tell her the truth about the girl. When she found out she wrote me back breaking up with me. When I got the chance to talk to her we talked and I still wasn’t going to give up on her. I was in tech school and still am but she came down April 10th.

On her birthday, April 1st, my friend sent me a pic of her in her bed covering her face and another dude was taking the picture. I came to find out that she was having sex with him more than once and she lied about it till i just talked to the kid and he told me. I don’t know what to do at this point but neither of us is happy but love each other but there really just is no trust anymore.

Any advice??

Mike

Dear Mike,

Her hypocrisy stuns me and frankly, I feel it’s proof that love doesn’t beget the maturity to conduct an adult relationship.

If I were in your place I’d suggest remaining friends (possibly with benefits) and setting yourselves free to sow those wild oat and engage in regrettable relations with others. Both of you could really use some time to get it all out of your system before you settle down.

I’m a big believer that trust is more important than monogamy, but at this point in your lives, I don’t believe you would be able to make an open relationship work. There’s just too much jealousy and the lies come too easily.

So go, and let her go too. Perhaps in a few years when you’re both (particularly her, because at least you’re attempting to find a solution) more mature and less hormonal, you’ll find your love for each other has persisted and you can give this relationship the chance it deserves. Or maybe you’ll find someone who respects you enough not to sleep around and you’ll look back and wonder why you thought this was love at all. Only time will tell.

Dear Miss U,

I love my boyfriend more than anything. We met through a few mutual friends. We have yet to meet. He lives 1,268.3 miles away. He is kind and caring. And everything I have never had in a relationship. He is a lot younger, but it just came so naturally to us.

He has been having such a hard time with the distance and not knowing how to trust me. I don’t know to make him see how much I love him. It seems like no matter what every week we have the same dang fight. I have deleted all the guys I can from Facebook. I stopped talking to some of my oldest friends so he didn’t feel like there was anything going on. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. But I love him so much. He hasn’t put on Facebook we are together. He is very distant. What should I do?

Erin

Dear Erin,

No guy worth your time requires you to sacrifice your friendships.

If trust isn’t present in a relationship no amount of social isolation is going to provide it. Instead, what this path leads to is checking in constantly, asking permission to do things and see people, and gradually giving up all your privacy and control over your life.

Sadly you are fighting a losing battle. You can’t make him trust you. You can’t make him stop seeing things that aren’t there. I just hope that when he finally drives you away with his accusations he learns his lesson and works harder on learning to trust in his next relationship.

I think you need to let him know that if he can’t learn to trust you the relationship won’t survive. Then, pick up the phone and call your neglected friends. You know you aren’t doing anything wrong! You know there’s no reason for you to feel guilty, no reason for him to be suspicious of you. You know that it’s healthy and important for you to have friends and support people outside of your relationship. Be yourself and if he can’t love and trust you as you are you’re better off without him. (You can trust me on that!)

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.