Make or Break?

Dear Miss U,

Yoursin

Dear Yoursin,

We each contribute what we can to our relationships dependent in part on where we are in our lives. For you, right now, that would be flexibility. You can be flexible with your schedule because you don’t have to get up in the morning and earn a living. Why you would leave her because she’s being a responsible adult, going to bed at a decent time to support her health and ability to be a decent employee is beyond me.

Putting effort into a relationship goes well and truly beyond staying up late. With that said, if the pattern you have established for communicating isn’t working for you, you need to actually communicate that with your partner. Don’t just jump right on over to “I’ll dump her” because if that’s your solution to even minor problems you’re never going to have a successful relationship. Tell her the all-nighters are too much for you, and see if you can find a manageable time for you to communicate. Perhaps she can get up earlier and talk to you before work, or maybe the solution is talking less. You can get too much of a good thing. Perhaps putting your time towards getting an occupation yourself would engender understanding and compassion within you; you’d soon see why she needs to sleep on worknights.

If it’s broken, fix it, don’t chuck it out.

Dear Miss U,

Alyssa

Hi Alyssa,

Why would you run away? Is he disrespectful? Does he hurt you? Belittle you? Put you or your family down? Does he make you unhappy? Is he lazy? Does he trash-talk his son’s mother or use his son as a pawn in sadistic games with his ex? Is he a drug addict? Gambler? Is he in debt up to his eyebrows, living in his momma’s basement, playing video games all day and smoking weed? No? Then why would you leave him?

Listen, we all have flaws. We all have a past. There’s always something other people may consider to be less than ideal about a relationship with us. For example, I might be considered a not-ideal partner because I have mental health problems. When it rains for more than a couple of days I become very high maintenance and some men wouldn’t be cool with that. I bet there’s something not ideal about you or your situation, and about all of us. It makes us interesting.

So what if he has a son? That’s great, particularly if you’re going to want to have kids down the track because you get to see if this guy is someone you would want to raise a family with. You can see firsthand how he prioritizes his kid, what ethics he teaches, how he disciplines; all sorts of things that some other couples kind of just have to hope for the best with. You also get to see what kind of person he will be, Gods forbid, if it doesn’t work out between the two of you. Is he always trying to get out of paying child support? Or does he gladly do all he can for his kid? Does he slander his ex all over Facebook or responsibly co-parent with her?

Yes, having a child might change the way things go in the relationship, for example you might end up having to move to him so that he can be part of his child’s life. You will need to be prepared to take second place to that child, because vulnerable mini-humans that we bring into the world always take precedence over the wants of autonomous adults, but you’ll take second place to the children you have with him as well.

Like everything, these situations are largely dependent on your attitude. If you have worries talk them out with him and let him reassure you.

Oh and Alyssa? You don’t need no man to come build you a house, you can build your own damn house! But if he’s lucky, you might let him build it with you, as an equal.

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