Dear Miss U,
Our situation is different. We met on vacation and kissed. But there was so much chemistry and so many sparks. It wasn’t just a fling for either of us. I know it sounds stupid, but I want this to work. And I want to bring up face timing, or Skyping or even just calling. But I don’t know how and I don’t know if it would be too much. What do you think? And how should I bring it up?
Anna
Dear Anna,
I’m a big advocate of saying exactly what you mean and being honest about your needs I’d go with, “Hey, I miss your face, can we Facetime tonight?” or, “I want to chat but I’m so over texting today, can I just call your phone?”
It doesn’t have to be a big deal. I know the thought of rejection is terrifying, but trying to play hard to get or some out-dated thing like that only puts what you have at risk. So ask. If he says no, ask again another day. Still no? Ask, “Is it, ‘No, I never want to,’ or just, ‘No, I’m not ready yet?’” Ask for clarification. Communication is everything.
Dear Miss U,
Hello. Thank you for taking the time to read this! I will try to keep it succinct! I have been in a LDR for 5 years, in this time having spent around 6 months together. We live 5000 miles apart and I have visited him every year to spend time together and take vacations close by with my family. He has never expected or put pressure on me to visit him and I have always been happy to. He is very understanding that I cannot stay for a long time as I have work/family commitments. He has been unemployed for long periods of time and hasn’t been able to visit me here.
I feel resentful which is affecting my ability to ‘let go’ and enjoy when we are together; however, I made the mistake of not communicating this to him. This led to my last trip being very short and him being very confused why I wasn’t staying longer. I question his commitment but cannot really as I myself have not stayed longer when I could have done or really attempted to find work which could lead to me staying longer. Any thoughts/advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
Louise
Hello Louise,
Five years is a long time to be long distance, especially as you’re both adults. I see a lot of teens valiantly struggle through years of long distance because they don’t have the independence to change it, but even I can’t imagine sticking it out that long as a fully-fledged adult, so I want to take this moment to recognize how dedicated you both are. Truly, there must be something special and worth fighting for gluing you together. Good on you!
I think it’s perfectly normal for some frustration and resentment to have built up over that time. When we see our loved ones not giving their all to life, (see them not trying as hard as they could to get work for example) we can’t help but notice they aren’t fighting for the relationship as hard as they could be. When you’re in a partnership and you’re not pulling your weight, your partner picks up that slack. He can’t afford to visit, which means it’s always up to you; of course that’s going to wear thin!
Change can’t happen if you don’t talk to him though. Five years deep, both of you ought to have a good sense of whether this is a forever partnership or not so it’s time to hash it out. Talk about what you need in the future, what you need to heal your resentment (remembering to give that lots of time), what both of you have to do to progress this relationship or even if you still want to. Obviously, you can’t sustain this pattern forever, so now’s the time to break it. Now is the time to have a big talk before so much damage is done that you can’t forgive even if he does step up his game.
Wishing you all the best love has to offer,
What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!
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