Faith in the Future

Dear Miss U,

Nervous Nelly

Dear Nervous Nelly,

As experience has taught you, being near-proximity does not stop someone cheating. You can live with someone for thirty years and still catch them in the act. Because of this, I personally don’t think there’s a greater risk of him re-offending just because of the distance.

The biggest healer of trust is time. Over time, with each opportunity to be unfaithful that he remains strong, your faith in him will build back up. I’m talking years here, not a few months.

The important thing is that he doesn’t do it again (obviously) and to avoid that we need to know why it happened in the first place. Are we talking drunken one night stand, an affair, a pre-meditated hook-up… what? Was there something going on in the relationship at that point in time that lowered his resolve/ lowered his respect for the relationship? Sometimes cheating is the symptom of a seemingly unrelated problem, and to avoid infidelity that problem needs to be addressed in a way that’s safe and respectful of both parties. Sometimes it’s as simple as not getting drunk in less-than-ideal environments.

How do you handle it? By using logic, distracting yourself, staying busy and positive self-talk. I know the second he doesn’t reply to a message right away the mind cruelly jumps to the conclusion he’s rubbing bellies with someone else, but often times it’s not true. Maybe he’s taking a poop, has fallen asleep, is taking a tour, is trying to ask directions, his phone battery died… and you can use these examples to talk yourself out of a panic, before you put your mind towards something more useful.

It’s not going to be easy, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give him this chance. It’s not at all true that every person who cheats once will continue to be unfaithful their whole lives; I would know, I’m one of the reformed cheaters.

Give it time.

Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for over a year now. Everything was going great at first until it started getting tiring. I soon came to realize that long distance is harder than I thought and my trust is wary.

Patience is a Virtue

Dear Virtue,

If you were past it, you wouldn’t be telling me about it. But that’s ok. Healing trust takes time – like I said to Nervous above – and if you stay together you have all the time in the world. You don’t have to rush yourself.

Ah anxiety, that lying demon. I also suffer from mental illness; you have my sympathy. I need to tell you something really important about this: Never put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket. I’m glad that he’s a fantastic support person and he’s having a positive effect on your well-being, but it’s important for us to fill our toolboxes full of techniques that no one can take away. You need to look after yourself and manage your illness for YOU and nobody else. You need to be ok alone in the horrible and unlikely event it becomes necessary. He is neither your medicine or your doctor. Eat tons of fruit and vegetables, exercise at least an hour a day, back off the caffeine and processed foods and make sleep a priority – these things put the power of your health back in your hands. I also highly recommend learning meditation, it will give you the skills you need to turn off that constantly worrying voice, at least for a brief respite.

Meditation not only helps us worry less it teaches us patience.

The waiting sucks so bad. It’s hard, frustrating, and only made worse by our own minds working against us. But one day you’re going to look back on your time in a long distance relationship and the years will seem like a few months. You’ll wonder why it felt so hard at the time and you’ll think there’s no greater love story than your own for having overcome so much together.

You can do it, one day at a time.

Namaste,

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