Dear Miss U,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and 8 months, of which we’re on to our second year of long distance in. We see each other quite a lot, every 3 weeks or so for a weekend, as I fly home. I’m currently studying away from home and he stayed there.
Recently he’s been saying that he “doesn’t like long distance” and when I ask him if he wants to break up he says no. He says he loves me, but that he isn’t happy with long distance and can find texting a hassle (we text all day every day). It’s really unsettling for me to hear things like that from him and makes me insecure, but how can I make it easier for him, I know he really still want to try (or that’s what I think)
Thanks, I really need some advice.
Help
Dear Help,
I don’t think anyone likes long distance, and it does wear a person down after a while. I don’t think you need to be alarmed at what he is saying just yet.
Some people just don’t like texting. If you text less, your conversations will be richer. If you enjoy texting but he doesn’t you can tell him that he does not always need to respond to your texts, and you can start texting things that don’t really need a response – simple things to brighten his day. You don’t really need to be in constant contact, in fact, when you are in a NPR you will spend plenty of time apart – working or studying or being with family or friends – and it’s rude to be texting constantly when you’re in the company of others.
My advice would be to text less and instead focus on other ways to communicate. Keep things interesting and fun. Send him photos or love letters in the mail. Think of something he wouldn’t expect – show him the positive elements of a LDR.
Dear Miss U,
I live in the UK and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. I am divorced after a short and horrid period; I met my current partner whilst away with a friend. We get on so brilliantly, we have only had 1 blip where he said it was over (then continued to send love songs and contact me, even though i respected his space) then after 3 weeks and one visit to him to get my things, he said he was in love and we started again..
It’s been fantastic; we meet every month, have fun and adore each other. However, as he needs a visa to come visit the UK, it’s always been me going to see him in Italy. I have 2 small children from the marriage and although the father has them every month as the courts arranged, I feel that it’s time for him to come to me. I appreciate that it’s much harder for him, he has mentioned many times that he would like to come live here and i think that first he should come visit (to meet the kids for a second time). Only one of my friends has met him, none of my family have met him and i am starting to get comments, “He needs to come now to show some commitment,” which wouldn’t bother me but I’m starting to feel the same.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship with ex and now I’m not too hot at discussing difficult subjects, as I used to get torrents of abuse. My current partner is NOTHING like my ex. But nevertheless, I find it hard to broach difficult subjects. I’ve mentioned it in a pithy passive way, but how do I let him know I’m serious, without ++ pressure? x
Florence Vee
Dear Florence Vee,
I agree with you and your friends that it’s high time he visited you. You’re not being unfair. You’re not even asking him to come see you 50% of the time. You’re asking for one visit, so the people in your world can get to know him/ at least meet him, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Yes, visas can be a bit of a pain, but tourist visas are not really hard to get, nor are they prohibitively expensive. He won’t be working, he’ll just be visiting, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal – certainly not so much that he can’t make the trip once or twice a year anyway.
Just talk to him. I know you’re afraid of more abuse, but honestly, it would be better for you to find out now that he’s going to be abusive than to never anger him and then find out after you close the distance. Furthermore, it’s important to feel safe and comfortable in your relationship – there should be no reason you can’t talk to your partner. You need to remind yourself that he is not the same guy and that you will give him a chance to prove to you that he is the mature understanding person you want to share your life with.
Good luck.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years. I love him very much. We plan to see each other and I’m thinking how the date is going to be when I see him for the first time in person. I don’t know which is the perfect place to date and is it OK if we have sex the first time I see him in real life? Okay since we’ve been together for long time? Or should I just let things go slowly?
G
Dear G,
If you need to ask an anonymous relationship advice columnist if you should be having sex, then you’re probably not ready to bring sex into the relationship. I’m also noting that you have a generationally differential relationship, and I suspect that he may very well be putting a little pressure on you to have sex that might be making you feel uncomfortable or rushed. I’m not at all against people having sex on their first meet/ first date, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a woman’s virtue if she’s comfortable with it – but all signs in this situation tell me you’re not. It would be better to err on the side of caution with this one, and hold off on the sex until you’re sure that 1) it’s the right time and 2) you’re doing it for yourself, because you want to.
After waiting two years to see each other, I’m sure any place is perfect to date. Because you have not met before, I highly suggest somewhere safe and public. There are a lot of freaks on the internet. He’s probably not one of them, but until you know for sure, it’s best to be cautious.
