Dear Miss U,
I’ve been in a LDR for 11 months now and I’m seeing my girlfriend for the first time in 5 months in about two weeks. I’ll be with her for 3 months which will be amazing.
I am currently at college and a lot of people think I’m odd for being in and LDR which has never bothered me. I have however developed feelings for a girl who lives in the same building. I’m not truly tempted by cheating because the idea of throwing away what I have with my girlfriend to chance it on someone new seems ludicrous. I just don’t know if this is a bad sign. I see this girl every day, we get along really well and I’ll admit to flirting a fair amount. Telling my girlfriend seems pointless because there doesn’t seem to be a lot to tell her. I just wondered if you or anyone else has had this situation: where I would pursue something with a specific person if i wasn’t in a relationship.
It just makes me question the whole thing. More because of how difficult and stop-start an LDR can feel at times. Is having someone around all the time who I have a crush on a bad sign?
Thanks,
Denis
Dear Denis,
Yes, I have been in this situation.
It depends a lot on the individual. How strong are you? Are you likely to get drunk around this girl and do something stupid? Are you taking time away from your girlfriend to spend with this other girl? If you answered yes to the last two questions, then this is a bad idea.
If you’re going to do this, you need to be upfront about having a girlfriend and keep a check on your flirting – imagine that your girlfriend is standing behind you, and don’t say or do anything that you wouldn’t if she were actually there. Don’t lead this new girl on either.
And yes, tell your girlfriend. It keeps you accountable. Saying “oh I met this girl I’d totally date if we broke up” is not the way to go obviously, but do let her know that you’re hanging out and making friends with this other girl. If you’re doing something with this girl that you wouldn’t tell your girlfriend for fear of hurting her if she knew – then you’re doing the wrong thing. Let this knowledge guide your interactions.
In my situation, Mr. E (my much loved partner) is very aware of my Attractive Male Friend I’m never going to replace him with. They know each other and get along well. And deep down inside I know that AMF and I probably wouldn’t make a good couple. Sure, the sex would be great, and a lot of his life goals are similar to mine, but I also know he’d work too much, be too stubborn to live with and just would not make me half as happy. It helps to have reasons to remind yourself not to take it too far.
Be honest and self-aware. Talk to your girlfriend. And most of all, enjoy the visit!
Dear Miss U,
Sarah and I have been dating about 11 months. The last month or so, things have gotten weird. She’s been really distant and cold, sort of ignoring me a lot, and most affection has completely stopped.
The trouble is, we have talked about it, and she does know she’s been doing it – she just doesn’t know why or how to fix it. According to her, she’s tried to talk more and be more affectionate, but something keeps stopping her. We’ve discussed breaking up and that’s not something either of us want to do – so why aren’t things getting better?
I believe that if she knew how to fix it, she would, and I’ve tried everything. Daily set phone calls, weekly dates and things like that. But if it weren’t for me initiating them, they wouldn’t happen.
I’m not sure what else I can do here…
Geneva
Dear Geneva,
There are so many reasons why this could be happening. It could be a hormone thing. It could be the result of a change in medication, diet or sleeping habits. It could be the effect of stress. She might just not be that into you anymore. She might be scared about the progress in the relationship and is pushing you away because she’s afraid of letting someone get close. People outside the relationship might be putting pressure on her. Perhaps you said or did something that really hurt her but she doesn’t yet know how to approach the subject. Maybe she’s bored. Or you simply might be talking too much.
All emotions are as water. They ebb and flow. Sometimes they are high and overwhelming, and sometimes they are so shallow you can’t really tell they are there, which is why having a good base of friendship behind any romantic relationship is essential. It’s not unusual for couples to have rocky patches or dry spells, or to put each other on the back burner for a little while – as long as that’s not where the relationship stays!
Does she get out and have her own hobbies? Does she meet up with friends? Get enough sunshine and exercise? Is she happy in her everyday life, and happy in herself? These things are important. It could be her coldness and distance has absolutely nothing to do with you. Her overall well-being might be suffering for some other reason.
Perhaps she needs less time talking on the phone and more time out living? Maybe she needs a bit of time to miss you and remember why she wants to share her life with you? Ask her. Perhaps you can read through this together and access why she feels how she does. I know it’s a big stab in the dark, but it’s the best I can do.
