Miss You Issues: Good Planning - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I am going to be studying abroad in the next few months for three months. Although it won’t be a long time away, we are very close and I know I am going to be heartbroken without him. I want to make this work because I love him so much. What should we do to keep us together and what advice do you have on LDR?

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

What a great opportunity! My advice would be to keep him involved as much as possible by sharing whatever you can with him (talk about your day even if to you it’s boring; send photos; maybe even introduce him to a few people over the phone.) Remember also, even when life gets crazy and so much new and exciting stuff is going on, to ask him how he and his family and friends are. Ask open-ended questions and encourage conversation. Remembering his hobbies, and to follow-up on events in his life remind him that he is important to you. Lastly, stay home with him (online) at least once a week. You might find yourself with an unexpectedly awesome social life and you will want to have fun and be included, but he needs to remain a priority too. Finding a balance socially is important.

Beyond that, browse LFAD’s big list of fun things to do in an LDR and pick a few to have up your sleeve to keep things interesting.

Dear Miss U,

So I have been chatting online with this guy for a year now I am in the US and he is in the Philippines. I plan to go over in a few months. He seems really nice puts family first, works hard, and tells me he wants to marry. But I told my parents about me visiting and they are like, “No, something could happen to you.” I know I am old enough to go I just want them to be supportive and give him a chance.

Any advice thanks?
Stressed and upset

Dear Stressed and upset,

The best you can do is provide them with all possible contact details and show them that you’re being as safe as possible. Know what and where your resources will be if you do get into trouble while you’re there, and consider combining your first meeting with tourism, encouraging a friend to come along with you.

Chances are though that they will remain unsupportive until long after you have proven them wrong; it’s a parent’s job to worry. Do what you need to do to live your life but keep them in mind, updating them daily with your whereabouts, and what’s been going on while you’re abroad.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I met online and have known each other for two years. We considered ourselves in a relationship very early on, but didn’t meet for the first time until a year and a half into things. In the five months since, we have been together in person three times, and so far I’ve done all the traveling (flying 5,000 miles). We are committed, I’ve spent time with his family and friends, we talk about marriage and a family, and discuss moving to be together in 2019 (longer than I’d like to wait, but trying my best to be patient).

For 2018, I asked for us to make a new year’s resolution to spend time together in person four times (once more than this year, with the full year to fit it in). We already have two trips planned (including one where he finally visits me), so I didn’t see any reason this wasn’t reasonable (in fact, I downplayed the number of times I wanted us to visit each other). He was hesitant and said he wants our main goal to be to save money to move the following year. Today he added that two trips next year were the most he could do because he wants to save money for our future and the visits we already have planned.

I understand that finances are a concern, but at the expense of spending time together? It feels like spending six months or more apart in between trips is taking a step backward in our relationship, and it’s making me reconsider our long-term potential. Is this a sign he isn’t as committed as he says?

Am I overreacting and being unrealistic?
Tyra

Dear Tyra,

I do feel like you’re overreacting a little bit, yes. Particularly if there isn’t enough money to do both. How bad would it be if you did visit four times and then fell short financially and could not close the distance? I think the fact he’s put in the time to carefully plan his finances and admit that the move needs to be the priority is a sign he’s more committed than you’re giving him credit for. What’s six months compared to the rest of your lives?

If you’re still in doubt, sit down together and talk about finances. Make lists and do research for how much the move will cost. Figure out how much the visits cost, not just in plane tickets but also in time off work and the money that’s not earned while you’re away.

Remember too that you can spend quality time together even at a distance. You don’t need to be in the same room to connect deeply. If visits aren’t an option, ask for date nights or plan other ways you can strengthen the bond between you and meet your emotional needs using the technology available to you.

I know waiting is hard and we live in a world where we rarely have to wait for anything but everything worth having is worth working for too.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.