Miss You Issues: Outsourcing - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

For the past month, my and boyfriend and I were talking about meeting when he moves out someday. I’m in the 11th grade in high school and he is 12th grade. I ask him if we would ever meet in person and he said yes. Then I asked do you think we would ever live together and he said he doesn’t know. He lives in PA and I live in NY it’s a 7-hour drive between us.

Will we last or ever move in?
Hope.

Dear Hope,

It’s logical that he can’t answer that question. You’ve only been together two months, both of you live at home with your parents, and only one of you is legally an adult. At this point you’re still basically strangers. Anything could happen!

I don’t see a reason why you can’t live together when you grow up, but in the meantime work on building the relationship you have now. Spend some time dating him and figure out if he’s even the kind of person you would want to live with.

Relationships are supposed to be fun, even the long term ones. Take the pressure off for a while and just see where it goes.

Dear Miss U,

I live in Australia and met my UK boyfriend while he was on exchange here for a year. We had only been together 6 months when he left in June as it’s a requirement of his degree that he completes it back home in the UK.

I can’t visit him until mid-June next year due to uni and work commitments. But everything was really good for a while.

He’s started constantly saying “I want sex” even after we invested in long distance sex toys and have webcam sessions when need be. He says it isn’t enough and he “just needs sex.” I’ve made him aware I would not be okay with him sleeping with other people to get his fix and find it extremely upsetting every time he suggests it. As we started as purely physical I know how possible it would be for him to fall for someone like that again.

I guess I could suck it up if Its the only way to keep him, but doesn’t that bring as much risk as losing him all together? I don’t agree with him that a year is too long to wait to see me/ wait for sex. I don’t know what to do because I always put his happiness before mine but giving him an open pass is something I can’t force myself to be okay with, even if I say yes as a last resort, I have no interest in seeing or sleeping with other people and for some time he didn’t either.

Thanks,
LoveDownUnder

G’day LoveDownUnder,

I find his lack of respect for you and your boundaries disquieting. No means no. That’s it. You’re not comfortable with opening up the relationship and you’re clear about that. It’s a health-safety issue too; he has no right to potentially expose you to sexually transmitted illnesses if you’re not 100% ok with taking the risk.

I, personally, am fine with open relationships. I’m not in one, but if Mr. E was down at the bar and an opportunity arose… I’d probably be cool with it assuming he checked in with me first. But we’re old and married, and it would take a lot to make me feel threatened. Back when we were long distance? Oh hell no. It came up once and I vividly remember telling him if he couldn’t wait there was something terribly wrong with him. Obviously I wasn’t the most diplomatic young woman!

My point is: Together you set the rules for your relationship. If he doesn’t want to play by those rules, then he needs to get out of the relationship. If he can’t respect you, then you’re better off without him anyway. Please don’t feel like you have to compromise on your needs and/or morals just to keep him.

Does opening the relationship pose an equally great risk of the relationship failing? That’s a good question. In my experience, no it doesn’t. The connection between Mr. E and I is strong enough, he could sleep with an entire football team and never meet my match. Doubtless he’d find someone better looking, with new or better tricks in the sack, but she wouldn’t be me. He’s with me because of who I am, not just what’s between my legs, and I assume that’s the same for you and your partner.

To be safe though, if you do decide you’d rather him outsource his sexual needs than risk breaking up, ask him to pay for it (assuming prostitution is legal in his country. It’s legal here.) A working girl won’t fall in love with your man. She’s not going to want to go to the movies or ask him to come around and hang her paintings on the weekend. She’s also likely to be very careful about STIs and unlike whoever he might find at the bar she’s getting regular check-ups to make sure she’s not carrying anything. In addition, having to open his wallet might make him ask himself if he really can’t wait after all.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.