Miss You Issues: High Maintenance - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I’m having some difficulties with my relationship my boyfriend. Ricardo and I have been together 3 years with the last 3 months living together, and just recently I moved to Florida and he stayed in New York. I got a opportunity for a job I’ve been trying on for a while and we’ve really been struggling with connecting as if we were together. Ricardo is a busy guy usually working doubles and when he does have a day off he’s sleeping or at the gym for most of it- making it difficult to have time for FaceTime ‘dates.’ He’s not much of a guy to express how he’s feeling for me and I just need some ‘not corny’ hints to keep this going. We recently just got an app that questions us about what we know about the other and it def helps but other than that – it’s really getting difficult with his demanding schedule and the distance … I need help!! He’s planning on visiting once every 2 months until he moves down here next year but am I crazy for saying I don’t know if we can last with such little communication?

Thank you !!
Lissette

Dear Lissette,

What did you do when you were together? He would have been just as busy then, I imagine, how did you find time? Did you watch shows together? Cook together? Connect predominantly though sex? What? I recommend figuring out what you’ve always done and finding a way to adapt that to the distance – even if it’s corny – because you’re right: this relationship won’t survive without effort from both of you. It needs to be a priority, even if that feels a little awkward at first. There’s nothing lame about wanting to do things with your special person, no shame in being in love and working for it.

Most of us don’t have spare time – we take time from somewhere else in our lives and give it to our partners.

I apologize for the lack of solid ‘not corny hints’ but I have no way of knowing what you consider corny. Brainstorm together, and don’t be afraid to say “I need more from our LDR.”

Dear Miss U,

I’ve known this girl for just over 3 years now and due to financial and other real-life complications, we’ve never been able to meet in person.

When we first started dating, she seemed happy, excitable, and romantic gestures and words came so easily for both of us.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that I can get a bit too clingy, I’m a little more sensitive than I should be, and oftentimes I’ll overthink the situation.

I don’t feel like there’s any passion in anything we do anymore, our relationship has fallen into a routine of mundane “how was your day” type conversation that isn’t really anything meaningful – at least to me it isn’t. Where before I used to send her love notes and stuff that made her smile and break out into butterflies, she now just seems to dismiss them or altogether ignore them.

I did raise this with her recently and she feels like she hasn’t changed and that this is just the way she is. I do acknowledge that I’m quite a clingy person but I’m not feeling like I’m loved, rather just another person on the end of a text box.

She’s now doubting the relationship because she doesn’t want me to have to settle for someone who can’t make me 100% happy. The trouble is, we’ve had this talk a couple of times before and nothing’s really come of it.

I really love her and she loves me too, but neither of us know what do to.

Sincerely,
Confused in England

Dear Confused,

When I was a young warthog I had this preconceived idea about how my partner would show me love in a relationship. I had this notion that he’d always know what to do or say to make me feel special or to pick me up when I’m feeling down – but it turns out that real relationships are nothing like I imagined. Just as each individual is different, so too are all relationships and you need to customize yours to work for both of you.

It’s not enough to say “I don’t feel the passion” or “I don’t feel loved” – that’s only the start. Once you realize there’s a problem, you need to put forward solutions. You have to figure out what you both want and need. Perhaps love notes don’t do it for her. Maybe it’s just a nice gesture, but it doesn’t speak to her soul. I think love notes are wonderful, but some people have a “Why are you telling me things I already know?” kind of reaction. Perhaps her luke-warm response is because you’re not hitting her sweet-spot either.

Start asking questions. What does she need? What is her fantasy intimate-contact scenario? What makes her feel loved? Some people want to be told. Some people want gifts. Some people want foot rubs. I want Mr. E to take the children away and let me be home alone, naked, in the blissful silence. We’re all different. So talk to her – if the romantic gestures you’re currently employing are falling flat, perhaps it’s time to get her input on which direction to try next.

Mr. E used to say he hadn’t changed either. “You’re always just looking for something to be wrong,” he would say. That was partially true. I had a rough life before we got together, and anytime things got too good the fall-out was horrendous so I was always afraid of letting us be too happy. With that said, he got lazy too. He still does occasionally. We start taking each other for granted, then have to stop and reassess. You both have to be willing to admit when you’re not giving it your best.

“There isn’t anything wrong!” he’d exclaim. But you know what? There was. If I’m unhappy in my relationship, or you are unhappy in yours, our partners need to work with us to address that even if it doesn’t personally affect them. They shouldn’t be throwing their hands in the air and saying, “Oh I can’t make you happy.” Instead, they need to be asking, “What can I do better?”

We can all benefit from asking what we can do better in our relationships.

Of course, when she asks that you need to have an answer. You need to know what you want so you can ask for it. Don’t be a young warthog waiting around for her to figure it out because “that makes it more romantic” tell her exactly what you need. You know what’s romantic? Our partners loving us enough to work on a relationship. Our partners remembering the little things we’ve said we’d like to receive and following through.

Give her something concrete to work with, don’t expect her to guess. I’m sure you’re not as high-maintenance as you think you are.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.