Miss You Issues: Calling All Lovers - Long Distance Relationship Advice

Dear Miss U,

I recently moved to America from England. My boyfriend and I were best friends for a long time before starting to date before I moved. Our relationship is going so well; surprisingly well with little to no concerns over the distance as we both have visits planned and really see a future together despite how young we are. However, my anxiety makes it feel as if it could all come crashing down in a matter of days. He treats me perfectly and we are happy, but I am so scared that something will go wrong and I’ll lose him.

The only time our relationship has ever really been under pressure is during our busy periods which is understandable. But those weeks where either of us can’t find time to call and I feel bad for begging for a 2-minute call because he has work to do and I convince myself I’m not important enough for his time even though it would kill him to hear that.

I feel very alone here with barely any friends so that’s why I’m so scared of losing my best friend.
Thank you so much,
L x

Dear L,

You can’t just stop. To the best of my knowledge, none of us can just decide not to feel a certain way anymore. But what you can do is put together a little kit for yourself – a memory box – that you can open and go through to remind yourself how much he loves you and everything you’ve been through together. You could even make an “I matter” box – fill it with things and letters from all the people near and far who love you, support you and even rely on you in some way. Remind yourself that you’re needed, wanted, and important. Throw some uplifting music or poetry into your box too. Ask him to contribute, perhaps he can make time to write a handful of short love notes that you can open in case of emergency.

Beyond that, I find it helpful to reality check myself. When it’s late, the house is silent, and Mr. E is away for work I can’t help feeling unloved, unimportant, even taken for granted. Sometimes I think ridiculous stuff like, “He’s probably not at work at all, maybe he’s hooking up with some busty blonde in the back of our car.” When this happens I take a step back and do a little self-assessment. Maybe I’m hungry. Maybe my period is coming. Maybe I’m stressed. Or tired. Exhausted even. Often I find it has nothing to do with him at all, and I just need to take better care of myself. I need to step away from shitty fast-food, dump-out the coffee, and go to bed at a reasonable time. Anxiety loves to attack when we are at our worst, so take care of yourself as much as possible to give it fewer openings.

It’s not easy to relax and just enjoy what you have without fearing its loss, but you must try. Put your trust in him. x

Dear Miss U,

I met my current LDR boyfriend on a virtual world game known as IMVU, we have known each other for over a year and have been dating for around 4-5 months. I have a problem though; we have never talked on the phone. I noticed (we had broken up and saw other people) with his other LDRs he had phoned them. But usually they also have an iPhone, something that I don’t have. I feel like I can’t ask him if we could call, even if we did, I feel it’d be super awkward since we hadn’t called before and we have only ever been text-based.
I’m struggling and don’t want to feel like a burden when I ask.

Could you give me some pointers as to how to go about asking?
Chloe

Dear Chloe,

I hear you. Mr. E and I were text-based; in an international LDR before Skype became a huge thing. Calls were expensive and awkward – not just because we were young and nervous but because we struggled with each other’s accents. But as hard as they were at the time I love thinking back to them.

I suspect your boyfriend phoned them with Facetime? I don’t have an iPhone either, but I’m under the impression one iPhone can Facetime and Text another iPhone for free, which would make it seem more accessible to him. But you know what? Skype is also free. As is Facebook calling. There’s no reason he can’t find a way to call you.

With that said, why don’t you call him? Next time you’re messaging, just pick up the phone and say, “Hey, I don’t feel like typing, this is faster,” and continue on with the conversation you were having. Or, save the call for the next special occasion. “Hey love, I can’t talk for long, but I wanted to wish you a happy Valentine’s Day!” Or, “…Just wanted to hear your voice for my birthday.” Keep it sweet and simple. If you need to, write a few things down on a notepad that you could talk about or questions you could ask to get him to talk.

If he must be the one to call for some reason and you don’t feel like you can just type, “Let’s talk on the phone!” try, “It would really mean a lot to me if you could call me for my first day back at school,” or even “I’m having trouble falling to sleep, can you call me for five minutes just so I can hear your voice?”

Going from text to voice is scary. It took me years! But it’s an important step in your relationship. It takes it to the next level. If you’re ready, make it happen. You’re not a burden, you’re awesome and he wants to spend time with you. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to tell you he wants to call.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments below!

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.