Dear Miss U,
So I’m pretty new at this whole army girlfriend thing! I’m 21 years old and my boyfriend left in February. He is part of the idf and left to Israel to complete paper work for 5 months. During that time it was hard to be apart but we had each other to talk to u all the time he wasn’t on the base so we could text and call all the time. He recently came home for two week and left on Monday to the base. He was born and raised in Israel and came to Montreal when he was 14 he loves it In Israel he is has is friends all his family. His whole entire life is there. The only reason why he would come back to Montreal in 2 years after his service even tho he hates it here is because of me. We have only been dating a year and we are supposed to be getting married when he comes back. I need advice because I’m thinking of breaking up with him. I love him so much that I want him to be happy. I don’t want him coming back because of me and being miserable here. I can’t move there due to family issues what do u think I should do should I end it and let him be happy?
~ Lyndsay
Dear Lyndsay,
As noble an option as this might seem, this isn’t the kind of decision you should make for him. If he thinks you and this relationship is worth the sacrifice then that’s his choice to make. It would only crush him with your rejection if you decided you somehow knew what was best for him and took away his option of being with you.
Some people are fine with living away from their friends and family and just visiting. If he doesn’t think this will destroy his life and make him resent you, then you need to trust him on that.
Besides you never know if in ten years your situation might change and then living in Israel may become an option for you. We can’t guess what is going to happen.
I think you should spend less time worrying about breaking up with him, and more time making your relationship the best it can be so that his sacrifice will be worth it.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been in an LDR for the past 3 months. For the first 2 years, we were together all the time (we were both in college together and were almost inseparable). We have been preparing for the LDR for a while now (he is in Malaysia, me in the southern USA). I feel like for the past month or so, I have been on the back burner in his life. He has a new job and I am waiting to start my job, so I realize I have more free time on my hands. Also, he is home and reconnecting with old friends. But for the past month, it feels like he is investing less and less time in our relationship. For example: this weekend, he spent 3 evenings out with his friends (not drinking or anything, just hanging out) and I only Skyped with him once, for 10 minutes before he went to sleep. And that’s how it’s been. He goes to work at 9, gets off at 6, eats supper, goes out with friends or watches TV shows til 10:30 or 11, and then calls me about 10 or 15 minutes before going to bed and nearly falls asleep while we are on the phone. I realize part of it, or a lot of it, may be me (I do have somewhat low self-esteem and insecurities). But am I asking too much to at least have a 2 or 3 nights a week to Skype for at least 30 or 45 minutes? If we were living in the same town, we would spend at least that much time together during the week face to face. Shouldn’t we do the same on Skype or on the phone in an LDR? Maybe I’m just expecting too much…I don’t know any more
~Ashley
Dear Ashley,
You feel like you’re on the back burner because you are. And for short periods of time there’s nothing wrong with that. You’ve had him for a couple of years, so likely he has a lot of catching up to do back home. Next time you talk, tell him you understand this and you think it’s great he’s getting to reconnect, but that once things settle down and he gets into a routine with his work you’d really appreciate a bit more of his time. Then define how much time you’re asking for. It’s much easier for our partners to work with solid figures than vague concepts. His idea of more time and yours might vary greatly! Sometimes people new to long distance relationships don’t realise that they should still be spending roughly the same amount of time with their partner as they would in a near proximity relationship, so it helps to point that out.
Dear Miss U,
I’m scared when my boyfriend and I separate for college that because we are very far apart that something is going to happen. A lot of our “friends” continue to say that I’m going to find someone else and that he is going to cheat on me with another girl. He’s staying in my hometown in Georgia while I leave for Kansas in the fall and even though we’re making plans for the next four years I’m scared that it won’t be enough until I come back. There are only a few believers for our upcoming LDR and Josh, my boyfriend, keeps calling me his wife. I have no doubt that he is the ONE, but people’s negative thoughts are starting to get to me. I don’t want them to be right. But what if something does happen? Then what?
Worried in Wichita
Dear Wichita,
There’s no such thing as the ONE. It’s merely a concept that makes books and movies more heart wrenching, and helps florists sell flowers. What if something does happen? You’ll cry a lot, and ice-cream factories will have a profit boom in your area. After some time has passed you’ll probably start to see the positives to the break up and all his annoying or careless habits will flood back into your mind. You’ll go through periods of anger and grief, and then you’ll either figure out you’re better off or someone new will sweep you off your feet and you’ll be glad of being single.
It is quite helpful to think about how you would react in worst-case scenarios. What would you do if he did cheat? Would you break up? Would you work through it?
What would you do if you became interested in another guy? Cut contact? Pursue a friendship regardless?
No one wants the naysayers to be right: most of all because it’s embarrassing. But you know what? Almost everyone makes mistakes in love, whether others find out about it or not. Everyone collects a few regrets. Sometimes we place our trust in the wrong person; sometimes we don’t fight hard enough for the right one. But at the end of it all you are the person that lives with the consequences – long after the naysayers have forgotten what they said.
I guarantee you that the world will not end if you are wrong. You don’t really have anything to lose but time and a bit of pride. So tell your friends “that may be so, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take” and change the subject. Long distance relationships are not inherently more likely to fail than near proximity relationships. If he’s the type of person who is going to cheat, he’ll do it regardless of where you are – same town or different country. There will be temptations for both of you – but there likely would be even if you were living together too. Accept that there is a level of risk with any love, and then do whatever it is your heart wants to do!
