Miss You Issues: When You Feel Like You're A Burden

Dear Miss U,

My SO and I used to always talk, but lately I’ve been getting jealous because they are always laughing and hanging with their friends they used to answer within 1-5 minutes now it’s taking 20 minutes or more and I miss the conversations with them.

Do they think I’m annoying?
Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

That’s the kind of question you need to ask your SO. I have no way to know how a person I’ve never spoken to feels.

Lots of couples go through an awkward phase where the novelty of being in a relationship wears off, and one or both partners start to pick back up the activities and friendships that got neglected in the first rush of love. Together you need to figure out where each other fits into your day to day life.

Try telling them, “I miss conversations with you, can we make time for a couple of uninterrupted conversations throughout the week?” and let them know gently that while you’re happy that they are happy and surrounded by good people, you’re taking the back seat more and more, which you’re finding distressing. Be honest! Tell them that you don’t want to be annoying but you also don’t want to keep feeling like this. People need friends, you can not be the only significant person in your love’s life, but that doesn’t mean you can’t reach a compromise. Chances are your SO doesn’t even realize there’s a problem.

Talk to them, and if they think you’re being annoying by trying to improve the relationship, chances are they aren’t ready for the responsibility love brings.

Dear Miss U,

I have been dating my LDR boyfriend for 3 months. He’s sweet, caring, and ambitious - overall a great guy!

When we decided to give this LDR a try we talked about the frequency of visits (twice a month) in order to make the distance more tolerable. We both dislike texting and talk on the phone between 1-3 times a week.

This past weekend I traveled to see my boyfriend and we had an absolutely lovely 4 days together but on the last day I was there he made a comment that made me a bit worried. He said that our relationship has been great but lately the distance has been making it very hard and it bothers him that we can’t just see each other regularly like other couples. He said that FaceTime is no longer cutting it anymore. He also said that in the past week, there have been a few times where he didn’t really feel like talking to me. It really broke my heart to hear him say that and made me wonder if I’m a burden to him (I like to think that I’m not a needy GF as I never nag him about frequency of calls). I told him how his comment made me feel but he assured me that it’s not the case, and this feeling is probably due to some family problems he is dealing with. He said that he is not giving up and wants to work on our relationship.

With all his reassurance, I just can’t stop feeling like a burden. I have very strong feelings for him and am not ready to give up yet. Is there anything I can do to help him be more interested in talking to me?

Please help!
In Love

Dear In Love,

You’re so busy worrying about whether you’re a burden that you’ve missed the significance of this conversation! This isn’t about you being a burden or anything of the sort. This is him being mature enough to tell you he’s experiencing a problem within the relationship, hopefully, early enough that the relationship can still be salvaged.

Whilst I am surprised it’s happened so early on in the relationship, what he’s experiencing is a perfectly normal and valid thing. Of course people in LDRs get sick of being on the phone, or strapped to their computers. Of course we get frustrated at yet another social event we have to attend without our partners or get sad that there’s nobody to snuggle on the couch with when the evenings are cold. Long Distance Relationship Fatigue is real.

I remember after I’d lived in Canada with Mr. E for a year I’d had to return home before his visa had come through. We were looking at 1-3 months, no visits. After everything we’d been through it just felt wrong to be on Skype again, and we talked about just not maintaining contact, not talking until his visa was finally approved. In the end, we didn’t. We pushed on with our usual daily Skype call, or at worst conversations over messenger because you can’t just press pause on a relationship and expect it to maintain its intensity. As sick and tired as we were of living our lives around a massive time difference and our families wondering why we were always on the computer, we knew we had to push on.

I’ve never felt like distance was a decent reason to break up with someone, because distance isn’t a relationship problem. It’s a temporary problem that can be resolved. I guess my question here is, how long until you can close the distance? Do you have a plan yet? A tentative date to work towards so that he can see this isn’t how your relationship is always going to be?

First up, tell him his frustration is normal and ask him to work with you on making the relationship fun again. For starters, you don’t always have to just be talking. You can have online dates. You can watch movies, play games or read books to each other. You can craft together, or cook, or take a walk while you’re chatting. Secondly, you can vary the platforms on which you communicate. It doesn’t always have to be FaceTime. The important thing is that you mix it up enough so that it’s not so monotonous.

I know I suggest this a lot, but remember not to forget the intimate side of your relationship and to have fun with that too. Fun is a necessary relationship component. Bring the fun back and talking won’t feel like such a chore.

You’re not a burden. If he thought you were he wouldn’t be reaching out for your help and support to make the relationship better, he’d just be saying goodbye. This isn’t about you. It’s about him and his needs within the relationship. If anything, he’s being a burden on you. He’s asking for your help to make this better. And there’s nothing wrong with that either.

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend lives in another country, about 3 hours by plane. When we’re together it’s all great, and before he started working, we never had a perfect LDR communication, but at least I could reach him all day long. I know he loves me and really cares for me, I trust him completely. The thing is, ever since he started working, we get to talk for two hours in the evening (he works from 08.00-20.00) and in those hours he also has to see his friends and do his sports and stuff. I end up looking forward to the weekend so much, but although I seem to need more communicating, he is not really good with texting etc. In the weekends, where he has the day free, of course, he wants to go out and do things. But I want to talk, and Skype, and catch up. On the whole week. I totally understand that he needs some fun after working all week. But I also need to get enough of him… [read more: It Takes Two]
Dear Miss U, I have been with my partner for over a year now, but, through luck, we have been living together for a year and a half. I know it’s not recommended, but we found that it worked really well for us – we spent a happy time spending almost all our time together – we went to the library together, we cooked together, we chilled together – he became my whole world. However, now, he has gone on an exchange semester abroad. It’s new, but I am struggling – to go from having him here every night (and day) to barely texting. And this is the problem – he is super busy at the moment and I feel like he is not contacting me enough. He’s notoriously bad at keeping in contact (with his friends and family) but I thought I would be special, somehow. He doesn’t say he misses me and it’s always me who suggests to call or asks for pictures or initiates the conversation… [read more: It’s OK to not be OK.]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.