Dear Miss U,
Hi my boyfriend and I have been in this long distance relationship for 1 yr 2 months and everything is great no trust issues we talk over facebook literately all day. we have a 3 hour difference because we live in different states but we make it work. The only thing that’s weird is that when ever I bring up the subject of Skyping or talking on the phone he completely avoids it and just tells me hes too nervous or something silly like that. Since we did meet on line at first I was doubting him a lot but after a couple of months I realized I had nothing to worry about I’m all over his facebook he’s all over mine and everybody knows we’re a couple. I’ve friended a couple of his cousins and they’re are always putting up pictures and stuff where he tags me and says he wishes I was there. To make this shorter I was just wondering why he wont Skype with me or call me or give me his number to call him??
I’ve also asked for his address so I could send him some stuff but he always comes up with an excuse and since I don’t wanna fight with him I just let it go. please help me? is there anything I can do or say to make him see that doing this would definitely help our relationship out??
Dearlie
Hey Dearlie,
The important thing to impress upon him is this: Without taking steps such as talking on the phone or Skype your relationship can never progress forward. Relationships that don’t progress stagnate and die. It’s that simple. It can be very intimidating for some people though. Perhaps you can offer to ease into this gently by Skyping with him, but he can unplug his headset and just type his responses. Maybe a few sessions of you talking to him will make him want to be able to actually speak back. Is it possible there’s an underlying reason he’s afraid to talk to you? Perhaps he has a speech impairment and he’s afraid you’ll judge him? Or he’s so afraid he just wont know what to say. Would he be willing to record his voice for you a few times instead to perhaps get some practice? (Audacity is free software that can be used for this, and many chat programs also allow short voice recordings) Or he could write down what he wants to say before the call. You could even put a time limit on the call so that he knows he only has to handle it for three minutes or so. It doesn’t have to turn into a fight, just explain it to him from a point of view of how you feel, not how he’s failing.
The same goes for being able to mail each other things. This is something that can seriously enhance a long distance relationship, but it is hard to have enough trust in a stranger to give them that information. We’re all told at a young age how unsafe that can be.Additionally, he might be living with others who would not want him giving you the address and he feels he needs to respect that. Perhaps find out which of the two he feels is the lesser evil, phone or mail, and start there.
Dear Miss U,
I’d known this girl from a forum and we started talking. After talking to each other and having mutual attractions for each other, I asked for her phone number. We started talking on whatsapp more frequently. She is from Venezuela and I’m from Singapore, time wise I’m 12 hours and 30 mins ahead however we do manage to talk to each other 6 hours a day. Few days ago I didn’t know what got over me but, I confessed to her and asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes! I was truly happy for that day and the next. We were happy and were sure we will be migrating to each other country in the future. Today she suddenly put her photo as her profile pic, (we’d never seen each other faces before) and to be frank, I’d expected her to be prettier. I’m a vague, vain, whatever bad words you can put onto me person. I don’t think I will be able to kiss her or even hug her. I felt so disgusted whenever I thought of myself saying those three precious words to her now. But I feel even more disgusted at me being like this. I really liked her before I saw her face.
I’m so confused now and I hope you understand what I am saying >< My train of thoughts can be messy. If you did understand my words, please kindly offer me some advise. Thank you 🙂 Troubled
Dear Troubled,
This can be the beauty of relationships that start online. They give you the opportunity to fall in love with who a person actually is on the inside – which at the end of the day is far more important. Time is harsh to all people, physical beauty, stamina and grace all fade over time, but a strong character and good heart are irreplaceable.
With that said, I do understand exactly where you’re coming from and how you feel. It’s not an easy place to be in. Nobody wants to be shallow, but physical attraction is important in romantic sexual relationships. I personally have found that over time I have been able to see beauty and sexiness in those who previously would have revolted me, based on my attraction to who they were as people. They physically hadn’t changed, but how I perceived their level of attractiveness did. However, if there is no physical attraction there and you can’t see one developing, this relationship is doomed and you shouldn’t lead her on. If you want out, if you don’t want to do this, if you regret asking her to be your girlfriend now’s the time to break up, before she emotionally invests in you.
On the other hand, if you feel like you’re dating two different people – the person your mind loves and the girl with the unfortunate face – then perhaps it’s worth riding it out. Maybe in time those two entities will come together and balance each other out. Or perhaps you’ll find that particular picture is just be very unflattering. I don’t think you can truly know what a person looks like from one picture. Hell, she might even be testing you, to see if you’re shallow and that might not even be a photo of her. On the internet you just don’t know.
My advice is to give it a little time for this new information to sink in and see how you feel, then be honest with yourself whilst remaining kind and respectful to her, even if that means breaking up with her gently.
