My girlfriend is from Canada and I am in Germany. We both met in New Zealand traveling. We had a great time and decided to be in a LDR and it actually worked pretty well. We missed each other and had rough times, but we always managed; the good and happy moments exceeded the bad ones. We were happy and saw each other as much and as often as this distance allowed.
Three weeks ago, my girlfriend was here for over a month and it was amazing. She moved to the UK with her cousin, which for both of us was very exciting because it allows us to see each other more often, and we don’t have to wait for months. She got really homesick for a while but is now enjoying it. She doesn’t want to get off work for me to see her but rather to spend time traveling with her cousin. I know that her cousin has a big influence on her and is very manipulative and I'm worried all the time that my girlfriend won’t make enough time to see me.
Now my girlfriend wants a break to enjoy this adventure with her cousin and so she doesn’t have to worry about me. She said she needs time to rethink her feelings towards me and needs distance so that neither her cousin or I can manipulate her, and to see what truly makes her happy. We will see each other in 2 weeks and after she wants to start a break. I don’t know how to handle this. I won’t message her and give her a hard time, but I’m afraid that I cannot win because her cousin is with her and I’m not. How do I deal with someone who is easily manipulated? How do I deal with a break?
Thilo
Dear Thilo,
My heart is sad for you. Clearly, she is aware that she’s easily swayed, so I think when you see her you need to ask her what you asked me: How can she be truly neutral and decide what she wants when her cousin is there poisoning her mind against you? How can you possibly win?
I personally don’t understand why she can’t have a relationship with you while traveling with her cousin. I feel like I have to mention the fact that life does not end once you get married/ choose a life partner (because marriage isn’t everything!) People in their thirties, forties… hell, people in their sixties and seventies still have wants that might differ from their partners! They still do things without their partners around, and they remain a couple through it all. It’s an important life skill to develop the ability to retain your individuality within a long-term relationship.
Older people have to “find themselves” too. As we age, we evolve, and sometimes we’re so focused on life that we don’t notice, and we wake up one morning and we don’t know who we are. A perfect example of this is after I had kids. I finally got to a point where they would go to bed for the night and actually stay there. I had a whole hour of free time to myself all of a sudden! But I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what I liked. I didn’t have any hobbies. I had to ask, “Who am I now? What am I into?” but you know what I didn’t do? I didn’t break up with my husband to figure it out! In fact, I turned to him for support.
I think that’s a key thing in relationships that last – the couple turns to each other to strengthen the relationship and themselves, rather than turning away. A person can’t just be in a relationship only when they are happy and life is easy, and if she thinks that’s how it works, maybe she’s not the one for you.
Hell, if she can’t defend you, and tell her cousin, “You’re not dating him so it’s not your decision,” how will you ever make it as a couple?
These are the things I believe you need to think over and discuss with her.
How to cope with a break is entirely different. What kind of break is it? Are you still exclusive, or will she be bringing people back to her bed to help her find herself? What are the rules you have set up together for this break? Is it low contact or no contact? Are you telling friends and family you’re still together (a private break) or are you telling them you’re currently broken up and seeing how it goes?
I think you need to take a leaf out of her book and focus on looking after yourself here. Make yourself your number one priority because you’re certainly not hers. I know it’s a little petty, but if it was me I’d be throwing myself into life and having the best time possible. I’d be so busy living it up I wouldn’t even spare her a thought, though that’s easier said than done.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope that she can find the strength she needs to stand up for what she truly wants.
I met a girl in college, and we really hit it off. We spent all our time together. We did Valentines, Christmas, and etc. even did other *relationship stuff” if you know what I mean.
Well she ended up graduating this year, and will soon be moving in maybe a year or so. And now she wants to cut all ties, and not talk like we used too. And it hurts, she says it’s because of the distance. But I have no problem doing the distance thing for her at all. I know she really has feelings for me because this whole situation has torn her apart. I feel like if she knew she didn’t want something serious she should’ve told me, but I don’t want to sound rude to her. I really love this girl. And I don’t wanna lose her altogether just because of the distance. I will wait for her no matter what. Please help me keep the love of my life in my sight!
Tommy
Dear Tommy,
You mean you were sexually intimate, right? Just say it! We had sex. Practice in the mirror if you need to, because it’s not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of, and if you ever have to talk to a doctor about reproductive health you’ll be grateful not to be a babbling, blushing mess. You’re an adult, you can talk about intimacy like an adult, cool?
Ok, now that’s sorted… are you saying the start of your LDR is more than a year away? Because that’s how I read it. She’ll move in a year or so. Um, so why is she trying to break up now? Anything could happen within a year! She might decide not to move, you might get a job or scholarship and be able to move with her, or you might decide you’re completely incompatible and the relationship dies of its own accord. At worst you’d get an extra year of bliss with each other.
Maybe I read that wrong and you’re already long distance, and she’ll be moving somewhere else in a year. Does that mean only a year of long distance? Because a year is nothing. What’s one year of masturbating on the phone compared to a lifetime with the one you love?
Either way, I think you need to sit down with her and dig into these concerns. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you are serious about this relationship. Ask her to make a plan with you so that the long-distance portion of your relationship is as short as practicably possible. Ask her what she fears so much about long distance and make a plan together to address these concerns.
With the right support and mindset, an LDR is not the terrifying thing people make it out to be.
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