Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I seem to argue a lot over me not wanting her to go out very much with one of her guy friends because I don’t trust guy. I have talked to him before and he is just straight up rude. I feel like he might try something with her. But she thinks that I don’t trust her. And no matter how many times I swear to her that I do trust her, she still thinks i don’t. What should I do? I don’t want her to hang out with him. I’m not trying to run her life or anything. I just don’t want to lose her. What should I do?
Reagan
Dear Reagan,
From reading your letter even I don’t think you trust her, so it’s no wonder she feels that way! It is not, and is never going to be, your place to tell her who her friends can be or who she’s allowed to hang out with. It’s that simple. You don’t have to like or trust her friends, but if you trust her and you want her to be happy (which often in a relationship means putting her needs before your own) then you need to be able to trust that if he does “try something” with her she’ll say no, or knee him in the groin, or whatever is appropriate. By asking her to stay home you’re telling her you don’t think she’s capable of looking after herself and shows a lack of respect.
Stop trying to control your girlfriend, or you will indeed lose her.
Hey, my names is Abby. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and I’m madly in love. Head over heels actually.
We ended up together from… A dating app!
I was a very shy girl, I’m average… And chubby! I was just looking for acceptance and happiness and here this guy comes along and sweeps me off my feet.
I was very open with him because I felt the connection from the beginning.. But it took some convincing to get him to open up. Eventually he tells me about his mother passing and him receiving a… Very big sum of money from his grandparents who own an oil company.
Him and I have planned about six times for him to come see me. For prom, just visiting, and even my graduation. Buy every time something comes up. Either his family not wanting us together or a reason he beats around the bush on. I forgive him every time because I love him..
He also won’t Skype, facetime, or even send me pictures… And sometimes I feel like the pictures aren’t of the same person. I even found someone with one of the same pictures as him.
My friends say I’m wasting my time and he’s fake..
But… He’s real in my heart and I’ve even confronted him and he says he’s not lying… I love him so much that even if he was fake and wasn’t real I’d stay with him.. What do I do?
Abby
Dear Abby,
I’m not certain there’s any advice I can give you, because you’ve already told me that you’ll stay with him anyway. I unfortunately can’t tell you what you want to hear. Do me a favour though, read back over your letter to me and pretend one of your friends wrote it instead. Detach yourself from the situation, step back and try to see it as an outsider.
Now I have a few points to make. When I was a little girl, I had a friend that no one else could see. She was a mouse that lived in my pocket. And when other kids were mean to me, I’d take her out and play with her so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. My mum even played along, she’d give me tidbits to feed him and ask me what he’d been up to. I loved him, and to me that made him real.
Your boyfriend I feel is a lot like my mouse – except somewhere out there another imagination has conjured him up, rather than him being entirely of your own creation. You loving him does not make him real. You feeling special because he gives you attention and does not judge you does not make him real.
I’m willing to bet you’re not at all “average” but that you simply have poor self-esteem. Let me tell you something very important – shy chubby girls are still beautiful. There are men out there who are not attracted to other kinds of women at all. I know; my grandfather was one of them! Do not even for a moment think you need to keep this guy (or the mouse in your pocket) because you will never find another, because that is simply not true. Your friends don’t want to see you hurt, emotionally or physically, and neither do I.
I know you won’t break up with him. I know I’m not saying what you need to hear. But for my piece of mind, if not for your own safety please follow this advice: Do not give him your home address, and if you have, warn the other people you live with that you have done so. Be safe. And most importantly do not meet him until you’ve seen him in real time on webcam first. Do not accept any excuse for this. There is no excuse that is worth more than your safety.
Dear Miss U,
Hunter and I met online. I was just looking for someone to talk to, a friend. It had been a year since I split from my previous partner and felt I was ready to start over. I have two young children and didn’t want to put them through anymore drama. Hunter and I began to message each other and found that we had a similar sense of humor and our views on life, politics and even religion was similar. We went from chatting to texting then talking over the phone. We get along great. We talk about our children, (he has 2 that live with him), help each other out and give each other advice. He recently told me that he loves me and I love him as well. He lives 1600 miles away. We used to joke about my moving out there and getting married. After meeting for the first time, he has become more adamant about me moving out there. We love each other and feel that our families will blend nicely. He has even begun to look for a house for us to live in together. My dilemma is that I have a good but lonely life here. I make enough money to survive and pay the bills. I am also a FT student. I made a comment to my family about him and moving and my mother began to cry and scream and got very upset. My children are very attached to their grandparents. Also, their dad has finally stepped up and began to be a good father. I want to be fully happy and I know I can be happy with Hunter but I don’t want to lose my family. They said if I leave there is no coming back. I’m so confused and scared.
Scared, confused, but in love.
Hey SCL,
That is a really hard place to be in. I’m surprised and saddened by your family’s lack of support. It’s understandable they would miss you and the children, but they should desire your happiness above all else.
With that said, I feel that it’s probably too soon for you to move to him, and I would advise you to wait it out. Go with the flow for a while and see what pans out. Perhaps even finish your studies first. See if your ex continues to be a father, or if this is just a phase. And give more time for your relationship with Hunter to truly bloom. Four months is not really long enough to know for sure you want to uproot yours and your children’s life, especially if it costs you your job. How will you survive if things with Hunter don’t pan out after the move? Take this time and build some savings, a just-in-case find so that you can set yourself back up in the worst case scenario, without needing to rely on anyone else and so that at no time you feel like you’re staying with Hunter because you have to rather than because you want to.
The “who moves?” issue of a Long Distance Relationship is a big deal and it might not be so clear cut that you will go to him. Talk about it seriously, rather than joking, now that this relationship appears to have a future and work out what is best for both of you as well as the children involved.
