Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend 6 months ago on the Internet. We communicated through text, phone and email constantly. Three months into the relationship I was able to go see him. The week was awesome! A month ago, I took my kids to meet him and his kids. We spent a month together. First two weeks were great. Then problems started, more so on my end.
I’m a divorced mother raising my two kids. He is a single father raising kids on his own. So finances are an issue for both. I work full time and every penny I make I have to be cautious in spending. Since he lives in another state I made this a vacation for my kids. While there he lost his job, applied for another and due to circumstances won’t be hired till another 3 months. Since he had no money I ended up paying for everything (activities, food, gas, groceries, etc)
My doubt are setting in, I’m divorced but have managed to pull myself up. I can provide for my kids needs, housing, vehicle, etc. he has nothing in his name and is very relaxed with unemployment. I’ve gotten to the point of disliking him, regretting relationship, blaming him, etc. I know money isn’t everything but I’m secure in my life and to have someone say let’s get married, let’s move in together when he hasn’t a job.. Am wrong to feel the way I do. He is an awesome, caring, loving man. His priorities aren’t set and I can’t risk losing my sense of security because he doesn’t see why I feel the way I do… Any advice?
Confused in Texas
Dear CiT,
Having nothing in his name, and being comfortable with unemployment would make me uncomfortable too. Those are some pretty hefty red flags. I don’t see a good reason why he’d just wait out those months of unemployment rather than get some kind of job in the meantime.
Financial security is important, and one of the biggest things couples fight over happens to be money. You’re not saying you don’t love him because he’s not rich and you’re perfectly capable of holding your own end of the stick – you’re not asking to be kept – there’s nothing unreasonable about desiring a partner that has the same values and goals surrounding money as you do, especially seeming with marriage often comes financial unity. You don’t want him spending your money in ways that might endanger your security or that of your kids.
Unfortunately love isn’t everything. Love does not conquer all.
The best advice I can give you is to try and have a serious, non-accusatory, conversation with him. Tell him directly how his attitudes to money and work make you feel. Let him know you expect a partner to be stable in their own life before asking you to make greater commitments or sacrifices and that you are not willing to financially support him and his children. Be honest and straightforward about how you feel and your fears. No matter which way the conversation goes, you will have your answers.
Dear Miss U,
I am a single mom with 2 kids, ages 16 and 11. My boyfriend never had kids and didn’t want kids. He knew getting involved with me, that there would be kids in the picture, but he thought he “could separate that part of the relationship” as we are not looking at living together for another 2 years (due to waiting for my daughter to graduate). I had spent 5 days at his place with my son over the 4th of July as well as the 4 of us (plus 2 kid friends) went on a 3 day vacation the week before. After the weekend, he emailed me and said he’s not too sure he can deal with kids now. I didn’t think my kids were that bad…no explosive episodes or anything. But, now I’m having doubts on whether it would work living together in the future. I don’t want to keep spending time, money, and get my heart broken if it’s not meant to be. What should I do?
Single mom
Dear Mom,
I don’t know what he’s thinking with the belief that he’d be able to “separate that part of the relationship” because it just doesn’t work like that. Some people can’t handle kids – even good kids. They don’t like them, don’t know how to interact with them and don’t want to be around them. Even in two years your son is going to be there; as a teenager – with all the growing hiccups that come along in adolescence. There’s nothing you can do about it, because your kids are always going to come first (another thing some people can’t handle about being in a relationship where the other person has kids).
At this point it really does seem to me like your lifestyles are not compatible, and I don’t think that waiting until your kids are grown is the answer. If he’s not ready to deal with kids at his age, I don’t think he ever will be.
From your letter, I’m assuming that aside from the times you’ve mentioned he hasn’t had the chance to get to know your kids. Perhaps you could stick it out a little longer, plan another visit (just your family and him this time) and see what the dynamic is like, before you make a final decision. He is obviously thinking hard about this too, so keep the lines of communication open.
