Does he love you, or just your money?

Dear Miss U,

I think my girlfriend and I don't communicate quite enough.

We can only talk when we have Wi-Fi, and, as we're both in high school, it can get hard, especially since she sometimes doesn't answer because she's tired or stuff, which I understand.

We have only had one video call since we started dating.

I want to talk to her more, but I don't want to annoy her or be clingy.

I don't really know what to do.

Alice

Dear Alice,

Gosh, I feel old, but you know what? Back in my day Wi-Fi didn’t even exist. I had to go home to talk to Mr. E. and if he went to his grandparents’ for the week, or I went to a slumber party, we just had to carry on without each other. One time, I was so poor I couldn’t even get dial-up at home, and we had to write letters to each other instead (which blew chunks because we were in different countries.)

Why am I telling you this? Because I think we need to appreciate the technology we do have. I believe all people would be happier if they focused on their opportunities rather than the things they are lacking. It’s pretty great that you can stop in at a café, mall, or even walk down some main streets and be able to connect to her for free. The school day feels long, but when you’re an adult working full time, you’ll wish you were knocking off at 3 instead of 6. We are blessed by the societies we live in. Don’t ever let that get out of sight!

This is a new relationship, so I understand how you don’t want to scare her off or make her feel pressured, but it’s important in all relationships to advocate for yourself and your needs. If you want to talk more try, “Hey, I really enjoy your company, do you think we can get online a bit more often?”

It’s good to talk about your minimums and maximums too. Find out how much time each of you ideally would like to spend together in a week, not just talking but doing things too. Watching shows or playing games together, studying while you video call, reading to each other, or whatever else you are into.

Over time, as you get to know each other better, it will become easier to express your needs, even if that happens to be “I need more space.”

Generally though, the answer to almost every relationship dilemma is going to be: Talk to her. Only by communicating honestly can you both grow within this relationship and have your needs met.

Dear Miss U,

I have been in an online relationship for 2 years. He started asking me for money right off and I did help him but now it is coming down to him coming to the US. There is a 7 month waiting period for immigration and that’s only if we do proxy marriage. Immigration told him if we paid $4,500 he could come in 3 months. We don't have $4,500. He asks me a lot if my dad can help us. My dad says no way and gets angry with him and me for asking. Why does he keep thinking that it is okay to ask my dad and keep going there? My dad has never said yes. I can't help him anymore either which maybe is why he thinks I will give in. I love him but I can't keep saying no over and over without getting angry. He has other relatives that he is responsible for that he can't pay so he is getting it from all sides. He is in a vicarious position and I have tried to help but I don't know how to get him to understand. I am afraid he is depressed and I know he is on anxiety medicine so I am trying to be understanding as I have been depressed before and I know how bad it feels. I do love him and want to meet him but I am not able to do more than I am.

Money Not an Option

Dear MNaO,

Any time someone on the internet, who you’ve never met, asks you for money the answer should be no. Always no. And you shouldn’t feel bad for it either.

I did some quick searching, and it looks like he’s lying to you anyway. It is very hard to get expedited entry into the USA. He would need to be in a severe emergency situation. I don’t know what he wants that four grand for, but I’m betting it has nothing to do with immigration. It looks like certain employment-based visas can be expedited, but the cost is less than half what he is asking. Here are two sources I found that don’t use too much jargon:

Going by the ages you’ve provided on the form, your dad would be well and truly retired. How rude is this man, thinking he can ask someone no longer working to pay his way! Good on you for saying no and holding your ground.

I’m sorry, but I really don’t think you can trust this guy. Please, please don’t send him any more money, no matter how much you love him. You have your own future to think about, and as much as I hate it, there needs to be a practical, self-preservation aspect to long-term commitments and marriages. You need your money for your future. If he figures himself out, comes to you and proves that he’s honest and hardworking, share with him then. But right now, no. Protect yourself.

Ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship because love is not all it takes.

Dear Miss U, I have been dating this guy that lives in Canada for 2 years. He is not a citizen there but is working to become one. I live in the USA. When I met him he was working. He was on a workers permit. His permit had expired and now he had to work on becoming a citizen if he wanted to keep living in Canada. So because he wasn’t working, he had no money. For months, I have been sending him money. Trying to take care of myself and him. This has been very hard. I have been picking up days at work, going back and forth to one job and another that I got. It was so stressful for the both of us. We both went into depression. He wouldn’t talk to me sometimes… [read more: Something Fishy This Way Comes]
Dear Miss U, …Recently, he has been struggling financially so I offered to help him out by sending money through a money transfer service where he can go pick it up, but he suggested I PayPal him money at around 4 am his time, then apparently PayPal didn’t support the card he was using so he texted his friend who is a girl. She gave him her details so I could send her the money, I’m confused why she would give him her PayPal details without question, it seems odd and why she was also conveniently up at that hour…[read more: If you’re feeling insecure…]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.