Dear Miss U,
I feel awful writing this. Lately, I find myself wanting to cheat on my boyfriend. I have never cheated on anyone. I’ve always been kind of judgmental of cheaters, prideful that “I would never do that”. But he dropped his laptop and the screen broke completely so we can’t Skype anymore, and his phone does not get service at his house. So he has to drive somewhere else and park to talk to me on the phone. After working all day (11 am to 12 pm) he only wants to this a few times a week, for an hour or two. We text all the time but it’s not enough. I am so lonely. I will not see him again for three more months. I have found myself becoming flirtatious with other guys. Even fantasizing about them. The other night while texting a friend we started to talk dirty. I cut it off and said I was joking “haha maybe if I was single”. But I wasn’t joking. I feel sooo guilty. I love my boyfriend. But until recently we could see each other every 2 months and we could Skype and talk on the phone all the time in between visits. Now I have not seen him since June and will not see him until mid November. Then we are planning to close the distance and I will move in with him. Also this shows how guilty I am…he is my fiancé. I never call him my boyfriend anymore. But I wrote that because I did not want you to judge me. I am so ashamed 🙁 I miss him so much. I am depressed and cry all the time. And I still want to cheat on him. What is wrong with me? How can I stop wanting to cheat? :'(
~Lonely
Dear Lonely,
I’m not here to judge you.
I’m not giving you a green light to go and cheat, but I do want you to know that how you feel isn’t all that surprising; I’d think it’s pretty normal.
People cheat because something is wrong with their relationship – they aren’t getting their needs met. You, right now, are not getting your needs met. It’s pretty simple.
Don’t waste time feeling guilty and ashamed, that won’t help anything, and will just bring your confidence down. Right now, you need discipline. When you have those thoughts, you need to be able to recognize them and put a stop to it, the same as with the flirty conversations. Recognize what you are doing, and stop yourself. Find a way to distract yourself. Go do something else, something that makes you feel particularly not sexy. Doing really filthy chores while listening to angry music works for me personally. Masturbating regularly will also help you – temptation is at its strongest when your body’s needs are exerting themselves. And of course, avoid situations where it would be easy to be unfaithful, particularly where there may be alcohol.
Is it possible for him to change service providers to one that would better cover his house? Could he install Skype on his phone and use his household’s internet to call you that way? Maybe he’d need to upgrade his phone to do it, but your relationship is a priority, and a better phone is cheaper than a new laptop.
I also recommend that you start writing to him. Send him snail mail. Poor all your love, your fantasies and your sexual desires onto the paper and ship them out to him. Make him the focus again; tell him how you feel, tell him that you need him. Put your efforts into these steamy letters rather than into texts with your friends. Writing will help you keep your mind focused and your hands busy. They will also hopefully give you the illusion of increased amounts of contact; even if he doesn’t have the time at present to respond in kind.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and we have been friends before we started dating. We have known each other since freshman year of college and didn’t start dating till my junior/ his senior year of college. It was great, the beginnings and all but then it got difficult. My mom and sister got so involved in our relationship and it just got difficult from then on. We recently took a break from our relationship because my boyfriend said that he is thinking of the future and that my mom is always going to be following me wherever I go. He says my mom controls my life. I live at home and I am 21. I don’t have a car, or a license because of just getting my residency last November and other more problems that kept rising up. So just recently my boyfriend says we have to break up for now for us to refocus on ourselves right now and that we are in crucial points on our lives. I don’t know why we have to break up in order to refocus? We can do that together. I am planning on moving over there to him in 3 months. I live in Dallas, he lives in Austin. He just recently got hired full time at his internship, he is just 20 years old, he just moved out from home and honestly I think all of this comes from stress. He doesn’t deal well with too much stress and I know he wants me there every day and that he wants my mom to stop being so in our business. We still talk every day and say I love you and I am going up there soon to visit. Do you have any advice for us?
– Ana M
Dear Ana M,
I think your boyfriend has been really upfront with you about what his issues are. He wants to date you, not your mom, and he wants the decisions you make in your lives together to be just that – decisions made by you both, not by your family. It sounds very much like by taking time to “refocus” he’s asking you to find your independence. He knows what he wants, and he’s not waiting around to get it. He’s out on his own; he’s got his internship happening for himself. He likely feeling pretty proud of that achievement, and perhaps that’s making him wish you’d catch up.
Perhaps he feels breaking up to refocus would give you more time to work on things like getting your license, and establishing more control over your life. I agree with you that there’s no reason you can’t be together to refocus – in fact I think at such a crucial time in your lives you’re better off being together and making decisions together – because your future is together.
I don’t know if his assessment of your mom being in control of your life is true or not. Some people don’t appreciate close family ties and want to create distance in their partner’s relationships with others . So, while you are refocusing, ask yourself if you are happy about the involvement your family plays in your life. Do you feel their advice is usually solid? That their actions are for your benefit and out of love? Do they dislike him, and if yes, why? Family is very important. If you want them to be this involved in your life, perhaps you need to find a partner with similar values.
Think about what you want, and keep the lines of communication open between you.
