Bust those buns!

Dear Miss U,

For quite some time, we have been feeling numb towards each other. Neither of us wants to break up but we don’t feel "in-love" again. We are tired of the distance and we think it's because of the distance we are limited on how we spend time together (more than just Skype).

We plan to close the distance in 2-3 years’ time as we have much to improve on our careers and we are planning to settle down elsewhere, not in either of our countries. But we have been feeling tired and we talked and decided many times to try to work it out but we come back to the same topic.

Do you have any advice for us? I don't know if I see myself without her. We bond well together and see each other as best friends too. But we have been having this on-off situation for almost a year.

Shankara

Dear Shankara,

I think it’s time to put your relationship first, for both of you. Your careers are always going to have things that can improve, that’s why ‘career progression’ plays such a big part in people’s experience of satisfaction at work. The thing is, there is ALWAYS going to be a reason NOT to move together. There’s always going to be someone not quite ready, some goal not checked off. There will always be “just one more” thing that should be done first, and then all of a sudden you’re old and feel like you missed your chance; or one of you will have given up and moved on.

Put your relationship first, and do all that career stuff together as a team. That might mean each of you progresses a bit slower, because you might each make sacrifices for the good of your partner – but each progression will be a win for you as a couple, not just as individuals, because you’ll have done it together as a team.

I too would feel numb and disconnected if my partner was content to wait nearly a decade to start their life with me! That’s disheartening. It says “you are not my priority.”

I understand your goal is to move to a third country together, but there’s no reason you can’t live together in the meantime and move later.

With that said, love changes over time. I can honestly say I don’t feel smitten and drowning in love with Mr. E every moment of every day. That would be exhausting! But I do love him, utterly, with every fiber of my being. There is no one else I’d want to live with, clean up after, make sacrifices for, and share my career highs and lows with. No matter what happens – health issues, job loss, family frictions – I always have a shoulder I can cry on. I have a teammate I can rely on. Someone who will stand in for me on a practical level, and catch me when I fall.

Mature romance is more than feeling "in love." It isn’t always exciting or passionate. So, I don’t think your relationship is dead, I just think it’s time to give it the respect and focus it deserves. I know an international move is expensive, difficult and slow with the paperwork, but I honestly believe as soon as you start making measurable progress to be together physically new life will be injected into your love story.

Dear Miss U,

It hit me. I fell in love and I loved like never before. One year ago I went to the USA as an au pair and I met the man of my dreams. Unfortunately, everything went completely wrong. I was supposed to stay there, but because of my visa issues, I had to go back... to Poland. Before I left I was living with him and his parents for a month. I love them as if they were my family. We have our future plans together, we're planning on studying together in the UK. For a year though, we have to be apart. I love him from the bottom of my heart, but the money is a big issue here. If he's not able to make enough money, he won't go to the UK. And he's been working really hard, waking up in the middle of the night, sacrificing his social life and sleep schedule, so he can make enough money. I don't want him to do that. I feel like we're making a huge mistake, all of it to be together. I don't want him to be unhappy, because he's doing too much. I know how much he wants to be with me, but I feel guilty. I love him so much I don't want him to make a mistake of sacrificing his life for me. It's not fair. He keeps telling me that he will work his ass off and he'll be extremely tired for a year if it means we'll be together. And honestly, that's just what I want. I just want to be with him. I just don't know if it's good or bad.

Caring

Dear Caring,

I think you need to be a bit more supportive here before he starts feeling like you don’t appreciate the effort he’s making. Personally, I think he’s got the right idea. In life, if you want something, you need to be able to bust your arse to get it. You need to be able to knuckle down and focus. And yes, you need to be willing to make sacrifices.

So instead of saying “oh, don’t do that for me!” start saying “Thank you.” Thank you for your dedication. Thank you for your hard work. Thank you for being a team player. And then you get in there and work just as hard as he is, because this is for both of you. It’s for the relationship.

By all means, remind him to eat well. Encourage him to rest, even if you have to make him lay down and read to him until he passes out. Suggest things he can do with his friends that don’t cost money because those relationships are important too. But don’t cheapen what he is doing. Loving fiercely and working hard isn’t a mistake, especially when it’s for a controlled period of time.

Besides, working hard and staying busy is the number one way to pass the time without pinning for each other and feeling sorry for yourselves. Unless he’s breaking the law to bring in the money, let him do what needs to be done.

Good luck! I hope this year passes quickly, and you meet all your goals together.

In kindness,

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About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.