We have been dating for 3 years and it has been kind of difficult as she lives in Singapore and I am in Sweden. There is a difference of 6 hours but I try my best at doing what I can and finding ways to talk to her. We haven’t visited in 1 year and I am trying my best to meet her in 3 months but she said she is confused about what she wants. She is 50-50 confused about whether she will be my girlfriend or not but she still says "luv u too" to me before going to sleep and, be it 5-10 minute,s she always finds the time to talk to me. But things are still not the way they used to be; now she has new friends with whom she hangs out with every weekend and goes to late night parties. I only crave for her response and reaction. She is not at all expressive and doesn't express anything. I love her, I love her so much, but I don't know what I should do or how to gain again her love and feelings for me.
How should I manage our 6 hour time difference and what should I do to make her feel special?
Oliver Queen
Dear Oliver,
Often all that is needed is a visit to reignite that spark and remind a couple why they’re doing long distance in the first place. It sounds like she’s just got a bit of long-distance fatigue. She’s tired, not of you, but of everything that goes with the distance, and that’s not uncommon in long-term long-distance situations.
With that said, it’s not your job alone to make this work. She has to try too.
You can write corny poems, record yourself reading her favorite book, send flowers, have a pizza delivered to her door, dance for her on webcam, play games with her, and bear your soul to til the cows come home, but none of it will matter if she’s given up.
Talk to her. Ask her what she needs. Tell her what you need. Plan the visit, even if it’s just to say goodbye and get closure. And stop blaming yourself.
You’ve managed this time difference for three years, nothing I’m going to tell you is going to be better than what you’ve already learned through experience. While I hope she works on this issue with you, prepare yourself for the possibility that you either need to close the distance as soon as humanly possible (making sacrifices along the way) or say goodbye.
I’m from the UK and he lives in South Africa. We are in love and have spent so much time flying to each other and spending time together. It’s been amazing. But the last few months haven’t.
I was so busy with work that I neglected him and didn’t give him attention or my free time. He got drunk and needy and cheated on me. I forgave him, not right away. But I did. We saw each other since and I got insecure and upset. He felt terrible as well. We were so good and secure before all this happened, we were both devastated.
Being apart since has been rough. He has a new job and hardly has any time and I’ve given him a rough time about it. We talked and he explained how guilty he feels. Like he is the worst boyfriend in the world and feels I deserve more. He says he wants to put time into us to try and recover but he physically can’t. He works 5am-9pm non-stop every day. We struggle with signal and when we can talk he’s so exhausted he passes out. He feels his lifestyle will prevent us from working things out and he is so low and frustrated. I have turned into the positive preacher, but can’t seem to get through to him that we can overcome this low point and now I’m frustrated.
This will be the longest time we will spend apart and we don’t have a planned visit, due to our work we can’t plan yet. I feel very insecure and he’s ridden with guilt and we are frustrated.
How do we get through our longest separation to date with the devastation we have created?
Frustrated in love
Dear Frustrated,
Sometimes we have to begin again. Admit you both screwed up, and commit to putting it behind you. No more useless self-loathing. No more resentment. No more negative talk, at least for a while. Get back in the habit of loving each other and being kind to yourselves. At first, it will just be an act, but over time you will both believe your words, and the positivity you’re sewing will grow and heal you.
He might feel low, but surely he realizes that the way he is acting is only hurting you both more.
Pretend you forgive each other, and yourselves, until you finally do. Talk to him about how your love matters more than your problems. Look at what you have been through, and risen above!
From here on in, agree not to hash out old sad stuff. Let it go. Together, make the commitment to be positive, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard!
As to the separation; what you can do depends on the kind of work he does. Would it be safe and allowable for him to take calls with a hands-free set? Or possibly listen to recordings you have made him?
It isn’t always possible to bond with a person in real time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t nurture a true and lasting connection.
Does he commute? Do you? Could you use that time to email or record voice messages?
How are your savings going? Often I find focusing on the money and the opportunities it brings helps me get through long periods of limited contact with my partner. I can see the numbers grow, and I can gauge how close we are getting toward having the funds for our goals. This helps me remember we’re a team too. You’re not just working for yourselves, you’re working toward a future together, and sometimes that requires sacrificing a bunch of your couple time. In these hard times, focus on what you’re trying to achieve.
Find the strength to pull together, remembering always you’re on the same team, going in the same direction.
In kindness,
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