Dear Miss U,
I am in a relationship most people say won’t work. It’s interracial, lesbian and, obviously, long distance. Her being Caribbean English and me being Rumenian Norwegian.
I just came home after spending a week with her, and it was amazing. She completes me in a way no one’s ever done before and I can’t even remember what I used to think before I met her.
But some say it won’t work because gay relationships never do. Others say the distance will stop us, because of my work and school and her finance I can’t visit her as often as I’d like, and she’s still saving to come and see me.
It’s now two days since I saw her, and I am missing her so much it’s like being repeatedly beaten in the heart. I can’t sleep, eat or think; I am only worrying and missing her. Especially when people continue to say that it won’t work out, and that we’ll just hurt ourselves further by continuing to try. I don’t think my relationship is any of their business, but when you’re already insecure and scared it doesn’t make the matter easier.
With the situation at home being hard and the slightest thing reminding me of her and England, I’m feeling like a zombie and not fully alive.
Do you have any tips on how to overcome the nervousness and only focus on me and her?
International Love Xxx
Dear International Love,
“Gay relationships never work” has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard all day, so let me reassure you that; yes, they do work. Your relationship does not require a penis to make it long lasting, happy, healthy and fulfilling. So don’t listen to those people, they are obviously morons.
That’s not to say you won’t have your work cut out for you. Immigration is difficult to begin with, and not all governments recognize same-sex relationships, which can make the process much harder. Many countries on the other hand do recognize same sex relationships (as common-law), even if they don’t allow same sex marriage, so hopefully at least one of your countries is keeping up with the times.
Almost every long distance couple struggles with the added financial burden of it, but we can always work and earn more money. Learn to save and budget. Keep an eye on ticket prices and jump on the cheap ones, travel at the off peak times of the year. Most people don’t start out wealthy, they work hard to get there, both of you can do this too. You will find the means to be together if you’re both dedicated enough.
Your relationship is also very new. By the time you are at a stage where settling down together becomes a priority, you will likely have the skills, support and knowledge to pull it together. For now, just work on getting to know each other at the deepest levels possible, and let the future roll your way.
The good news is, whilst distance doesn’t really get any easier, you will get better at dealing with it. You will find ways to work around time differences, have fun together, be intimate, feel bonded and just enjoy what you do have. And it won’t be forever, even though some days it might feel like it. You will also start to store up witty retorts for those nay-sayers.
It’s easier said than done, but you do need to just grow a thicker skin to deal with the excrement that comes out of some people’s mouths because there’s always going to be someone who takes an issue with the way you live your life, even though it is none of their business whatsoever. People will speak out against you because they are homophobic, or because they think you are too young, or they think you should date closer to home, or they think the earth is flat.
Sometimes it might help to look at their relationships – are they with someone they constantly fight with? Are they single and lonely? Do they go through partners like Kleenex? Because I find a lot of unhappy people just want to spread that misery around. Sometimes, people really are just jealous and mean, and you need to just acknowledge that and go about your day. There’s no real reason these people’s opinions should matter to you, is there? They are human, like the rest of us. Making lots of mistakes, like the rest of us. They are no better than you, and no more qualified to have a say in your life.
It might be easier to not discuss your relationship with the people it isn’t relevant to as well. We all want to shout our love from the rooftops, but at the end of the day it is a private thing. The number one most important thing I can tell you on this issue though is simply this: People respond to your tone of voice and body language, so when you do talk about your relationship and the challenges you face, be careful not to sound afraid or apologetic. Be enthusiastic and upbeat about this adventure, rather than giving the impression you’re already defeated and just don’t know it. If you’re expecting someone to come out with something negative, it gives them an opening to do so. If you treat your relationship like a hopeless case, everyone else will too.
Put your brave face on.
Dear Miss U,
This is a crazy situation, started pen pal with my best friend’s fiancés’ brother, I’m a professional and he was a professional before going to prison. After 5 years, he’ll probably be out in 8 months. Our pen pal relationship, starting from mutual interests has grown into a love relationship. I know his bro, have met his mom…visited him in prison and talked for 15 hrs. It’s gotten serious, and exclusive. I’m emotionally invested in this incredible man, who is going to start from nothing, which I can deal with. But I’m really troubled about waiting for him and not being 100% that we are going to work out, though we seem to be very complementary in our beliefs, philosophy. I’m not sure how to go forward, because strangely, this is a truly honest relationship, love based. I can’t imagine him not in my life, but I also can’t imagine investing the next 9 months, and us not working out. Please advise. I am attractive, and have interests, but don’t get out much other than my work…I have a lot going for me. So does he, once he’s out of prison. Please advise.
~ Shawn
Dear Shawn,
Nine months is nothing. Think of it this way, you have already invested five months, which would be thrown away if you give in now. And if you were to start a new relationship tomorrow, which would have roughly the same chances of success, then you’d have to invest all that time over again to get to know this new person. So really, unless you have a good reason why this relationship is doomed, I think you just need to keep rolling with it.
And you’re already emotionally invested. Do you believe you could just up and walk away now? Would your heart let you?
All relationships face the risk of not working out. You’re never going to get a ‘sure thing’, you just have to jump in and take the risk. If it all falls apart at the end, then at least you know you gave it your best. But you can’t know until you try.
