Dear Miss U,
At the beginning of this summer I was up visiting family and I met this really nice guy. He got my number and we started texting. The catch is my family lives 9 hours away. I was only there for a couple of days, however I went back about three weeks later for another family visit, and this guy and I went on several dates and kissed etc. I stayed for a week and when I left, we considered ourselves to be “dating”. After that we continued to text and then talk on the phone every night, and our relationship really grew and we became very close. I spent some more time with in at the end of the summer, which went very well. But we decided to end it when I left. Two weeks after I left we had attempted to be friends but both agreed it didn’t work and got back together. Now it’s almost a month later and I’ve seen him once.
Now that I’m back at school I’m really begging to struggle with our relationship. I still care about him, but it’s just not enough. I’m just 16 and i don’t want too serious of a relationship, but if I found someone I really care about, should I just give up? I’m also taking advanced classes and I’m on a dance team, and sometimes I feel like I just don’t have time to talk to him. I don’t want to hurt him though, and like I said I still care, but is it worth it? And lately I’ve started to have feelings for an old friend, and I don’t know what to do about it… I feel so guilty.
I’m really lost here… Please help?
– Don’t know what to do.
Dear DKWTD,
To me it doesn’t look like it’s worth it, nor that you’re ready. You want to have fun in the times your hectic schedule allows you to, not be trying to fit in a phone call or unable to go out because you’re saving for a visit.
It’s great you care about him, but I think part of caring is being honest and not leading him on if you’re not ready for this. You can always stay in touch on facebook or email, and look each other up again later; or even just for fun when you’re in his area or he’s in yours.
If letting him go is what you need to do for you, then so be it. Yes, there is the chance one day you might regret it but there’s just as much of a chance of missing out on something even better if you’re committed to someone just because you think you need to hang on to the first good thing that comes your way. Don’t worry at it too much, follow your heart.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I went out seriously for a year and a half before she went to college and when she went we had a rocky first month where we broke up and stopped talking for a while but then towards the end we started talking again in our cute way like we always did. Now we want things to work out and she’s visiting in December which we’re both eagerly looking forward to. The thing is there is a seven hour time difference and I have so much free time during which we can’t really talk. I’m having a hard time adapting and I’m worried I’m going to lose her. I love her with all my heart but I don’t know what to do. Her being at university makes it difficult because her lifestyle and attitude has changed to a degree (naturally) but mine is still the same. I feel far from her when we don’t talk and close to her when we do but I feel the worst when she has to leave because we used to talk every single day all day long if we couldn’t see each other when she was here. I miss her and I don’t know how to fill my time. Do you have any advice on what I could do to make these coming three months and subsequently the following seven months easier for me? I will be most likely be going to within two hours of flying distance to her next year when I go to university.
Thank you so much. 🙂
-Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,
It sounds like the best thing for your relationship is finding a way to fill all this time you have. In short, you need a hobby, or a bunch of them. Keeping busy will help your mind not constantly be on her, or focused on how much you’re not able to talk. The holiday season is coming up, why don’t you put that time to good use and craft this year’s gifts? I’m sure she’d love something made by your hand, and likely so would many of your family members (plus, it’s a great way to save money). Easy things include photo books, handmade candles or soaps, leather-worked wallets or journal covers, wooden boxes that have been carved or decorated by you etc.
You could also fill your time by starting a new exercise program, visiting your own friends and family more, focusing more heavily on your study or indulging in the things you know she wouldn’t want to share with you. Volunteering your time to a cause is also a great idea and may help that gap in maturity that has formed with her life advancing and yours staying the same. The educational demands on your life won’t have gotten any harder, but I find exposing ourselves to the hardships of others and helping them get through that tends to make us more worldly – and more interesting as individuals.
Acceptance is also your friend. You need to accept that as adults, things are never going to be the way they once were. Most adults, even those in near-proximity relationships, don’t get to spend all day with or talking to their lovers and that is actually good for the relationship. There really can be too much of a good thing! As the years progress, you will spend long hours at university or work, you maybe have mismatched schedules, or even later down the track you may find that one of you looks after the children while the other takes time out for themselves – rather than having that time to be together. And it will still be okay.
Take this time to work on yourself and be selfish.
