Dear Miss U,
I’m 16, almost 17, and my best friend, my boyfriend is soon to be 21. This, I know, is a large age gap. It’s not usually okay with anyone, but I KNOW this is what I want, and same with him. I’ve always felt older, and all my friends are in college. He’s the love of my life, and his family loves me. We will get married, but the issue is that my parents don’t know, and it’s killing me. I can’t tell them about our amazing weekends together, or the cute things he does for me. I can’t explain to them how much he’s risking for me. He’s in the military, the National Guard. My parents found out about us a few months ago, and I swore it was over. I had my phone taken away, anything I could possibly communicate with him, yet we still wrote letters for months, and since then, it’s died down, and my parents have no idea. What do I do? I can’t tell them, they have threatened to put him into jail, ruin his life, and mine as well. But that’s not what I’m worried about. I care more about him, his career, his life, then mine. All I know is that I want to be with him forever, and to be safe, and he’s willing to risk it all to be with me. He’s not pedophile. At all. And I know, “How does this 16 year old know anything?” “She’s in danger..” But I’m not. I just need to know how to deal with this. He’s gone for a month in AZ right now, and the distance is terrible hard. I just wish that my parents could accept this. But they won’t. So I’m asking, what are your thoughts? Ideas? Help…
Waiting in Wisconsin
Dear Waiting in Wisconsin,
I think you need to do a lot of just that – WAITING.
I generally don’t care how old people are, excepting for the fact that the advice I would give to a teen is going to be vastly different than the advice I give the middle aged people that write to me. We were all young and learning at some point, and I don’t think anyone needs to be punished for that stage in their life.
I don’t think he’s a pedophile or that a four year age difference is really such a huge deal either. Four years, when you’re 40 and he’s 44, is nothing. I wouldn’t even consider that to be an age gap. Unfortunately, you’re in a different stage of life right now and it does matter and does have very real consequences. If you are going to be together and not destroy your futures you need to be smart about it. That is a cold hard fact.
Your parent’s job is to protect you and to raise you so that you’ll be a savvy contributor to society. As much as they would probably like you to be their friend once you’re an adult too, that’s not their highest priority and thus, they are going to do things that you won’t like or agree with in the interests of being the best parents they can be. All they are trying to do is the right thing, so don’t hate on them or resent them for that. We all do the best that we can, even though we can never be right all the time.
The law is another matter. The democratic legal system works by laws being founded based on what the majority of the population want – their values and morals. Because adolescence and young adulthood are such key times in a person’s development, extra steps have been taken to protect us as we advance through those stages – so that we don’t hurt ourselves or other people and so that we are not made excessively vulnerable to the many people out there who would do us harm. They are not there to stifle you, and at some point in the future (possibly when you have teenage children) you will be grateful for the guideline they provide.
With the best interests of both you and your SO in mind I’m going to encourage you to wait. You can love someone and not be in a relationship with them. You can love someone and just be friends. And if your love for each other is as strong and dedicated as you would have me believe it will survive. Your love will still be there in a year’s time when you can legally act on it and you will garner all the more respect from your families, friends and society for having exercised that restraint. Let him focus on his career safe in the knowledge that it won’t be destroyed by a letter that falls into the wrong hands or an enraged parent out for revenge. The charges that could all too easily end up on his permanent record have the potential to haunt both of you for life, so don’t be reckless because you think the laws are dumb or that your love can’t be contained.
And while he’s focused on working towards your future together – his success and your joint financial security – you can focus on your study and the things that will make you the best possible person and wife in the future. The end goal is still the same – to be happy and together. But you do it in a way that ensures success rather than being filled with drama, danger and can only lead to family grudges in the future.
I’m not saying to cut contact, not at all. I’m not even saying you should see other people in the meantime (though it could be an option – it would help resentment not build up and give you some life experience) unless you want to. But I am cautioning you to hold off on the romantic/sexual relationship for a little over a year.
As for your parents, they will eventually come around. Before that can happen though, they need to be able to see you as an adult, not a child, and to have this happen you need to prove to them that you are ready to be an adult. Hiding a relationship and sneaking around behind their backs does not in any way help your case here. Take on additional responsibilities and let them see how well you handle it. Let them see you making adult decisions and earn their respect. Look at your language and the way you interact with them; use language that’s appropriate for two adults conversing rather than that of a child to their parent. Show them that they don’t need to worry about you and protect you anymore. Then, when you’re 18 you can tell them that whilst you respected their decision for you not to date this older man, you kept in contact with him as friends – he waited respectfully, as a gentleman would – and now as an adult are keen to pursue a relationship with him. Again, show them you are serious about each other, that your plans support the best of your future as an individual not just part of a couple. Show them that you’ve both thought it through and this relationship is not only based on a strong friendship and love but also on practicality. Gradually, if the two of you are good together, the world will not be able to ignore such a blatantly obvious thing.
I know it’s easy to be swept up in the romance of “us against the world” but this mindset isn’t practical and throughout life you will need the safety net your family will provide both of you. Don’t squander that now just because you’re impatient. I wish you all the best.
Nothing worth doing is ever easy.
Hi Miss U,
I’m 19 years old and my boyfriend is also 19 years old, I live in North Carolina and he lives in Louisiana. Our plans for seeing each other is limited to only seeing each other twice a year for around 1.5 to 2 weeks at a time. The problem is that every time it’s HIS turn to travel to see me and my family, he doesn’t come. He doesn’t put in the effort to save up money; he doesn’t try to find a job or even try to make it up here! Last summer, was his turn to see me and he said he couldn’t make it and i realized that he never really tries to see me like I always try to see him when it’s my turn to travel. Instead of him coming to NC last summer, I ended up going to Louisiana instead for the second time in a row! I made this $400 trip in less than a month’s time of planning when he had almost six months to plan to come see me! And now it’s almost Christmas and now that I just got back from seeing him in July, it’s again his turn to see me. My mother simply will not let me fly back down there for a third time when he has only seen my family once! The problem is that there is less than two months remaining until he’s supposed to be here and he STILL is not making an effort to work and save money to see me. Instead he spends all his money on hanging with his friends and buying things for his car. It seems like seeing each other is more important to me than it is to him, what should I do? How do I talk to him about this without seeming like I’m pressuring him?
– Kia
Dear Kia,
It seems like he might be taking you and this relationship for granted. It is also possible that this relationship does mean more to you than to him and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing; relationships are often a little one sided in that manner, but it’s only acceptable if both people’s needs are still being met within the relationship and clearly yours are not. Expecting him to plan and pay for a single visit in a year is not very much to ask at all, so your patience has been commendable. I agree with your mother however, it’s his turn to visit. If he wants a serious relationship with you it is going to entail spending time with you and your family (who will one day be his family too).
I think it’s ok to pressure him on this subject. You may find you have to be very firm to get the point across to him and have him understand why it’s important and what his actions are telling you and your family when he doesn’t put this effort in.
Just tell him the facts: That your mother isn’t going to let you take the third visit in a row and that he needs to uphold his end of your relationship. Remember to use “I feel” language rather than “You don’t” phrases, to avoid putting him on the defensive.
Example: “I feel like I am not important to you, and like this relationship is not a priority to you because of these actions” sounds nicer than “You don’t put in enough effort to visit me” and allows you to go deeper into the issue. As soon as he feels attacked, he’ll be putting more effort into defending himself than hearing you out, so speak to him from a position of confidence, but without making him the bad guy (even when he is being the bad guy). As him to work with you to solve any issues, rather than telling him he’s doing it wrong and needs to fix it.
