Dear Miss U,
I am 18 and I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. We are both seniors in high school and the subject of college is approaching. I am staying in my home town but he is going away possibly 2 hours away to college. I love him so much and he tells me he wants to marry me in the future and wants a LDR. He has never done anything to hurt me or make me distrust him. I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 17 and he waited 4 months to date me until I was of (my dad’s) allowable age. I am just scared of doing a LDR and getting cheated on and not knowing. Being cheated on is my worst fear, I know he would never because he has been cheated on before tho. He is my soul mate and I can’t bear the thought of not being with him. I just am confused about a LDR, I am 100% willing to try, but I just don’t want my heart to get broken either. Do you have any tips on how to overcome my fear? Or do you think I should just try it and hope for the best?
Troubled Love
Dear Troubled,
I don’t know why people worry about cheating first and foremost when they think of long distance relationships, as there is really no correlation. If someone is going to cheat on you, then they are going to cheat on you – whether you’re near or far away. I understand the theory is that if a person isn’t getting enough physical intimacy then they may seek it elsewhere, and that it would be less likely for you to ever find out about it if it happened because you don’t see each other every day, but the fact is, even when you live with someone they can cheat on you for months without you finding out, and being long distance does not mean you can’t fulfill each other’s needs – including the sexual ones. Long distance relationships don’t need more safe-guarding against cheating than any other kind of relationship and statistically do not have higher incidences of cheating either. I can’t tell you how to overcome this fear, but I can tell you that it’s unnecessary, and will do your relationship more harm than good if you can’t shake it.
In the movies long distance relationships are often about cheating and heartbreak, mistrust and suffering but in everyday life they are not nearly so dramatic. They are relationships much like any other, except you use different strategies to achieve the same ends. Isn’t it better to try and fail, than to fail by default of not trying? Wouldn’t your heart break either way? Makes sense then to just give it your best shot, doesn’t it?
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. We’ve been through so much. He’s cheated on me three years ago. He lied a few times and this has damaged me ever since. I know it’s been years, but I’m quite insecure that he chose another over me and lied. We live five hours apart and we talk every night and when he’s home from work; but We fight constantly over my inability to trust him. My insecurities are killing this relationship. What can I do? How can I trust him? We want to move in together soon. Get married but my insecurities and jealousy are ruining the relationship.
Please help! My relationship is nearly gone :/
Worried
Dear Worried,
I think the swiftest, soundest course of action for you right now is to see a counselor or therapist.
Usually, I tell people that time and continued good behaviour from their partner will build that trust back up, but until you can let go of what has happened in the past, that’s not really possible. And as quite a bit of time has already passed without improvement, you would probably benefit from some assistance moving past these issues. What would it take for you to be able to forgive? To truly forgive and move on? Meditate on this question – because deep inside us, we already know the answers to our most troubling problems.
Until you can get into a therapist to talk, consider as well that the choice not to cheat is one that’s made continually. It’s not a setting that you just click once and then you are forever monogamous. It is a continued choice, an effort. Why is it that someone can slip up and cheat once, and that destroys everything; yet someone can face a hundred temptations, walk away, and that’s not at all rewarded?
Challenge your opinions and delve into your feelings. When you understand yourself, it is much easier to determine if your fears are based on past experiences or if it’s your intuition speaking up instead.
