Dear Miss U,
I met my boyfriend at college 6 months ago and we have been dating exclusively from pretty much the moment we met. I love everything about him. The only problem is that he is from India and now that we have graduated he has to return to India unless he can find a job here.
I truly love him and want to be with him until the relationships comes to a natural end rather than a forced one, but I don’t know if such a long distance relationship could work. He continuously tells me that we will make it work and that if we love each other there should be no problem. But I question whether this can be true if we are only able to see each other every 6 months or so?
How do I know whether this will work long distance? How can I make this work? How can I ensure that we don’t drift apart with he distance? I feel that I’ve finally found someone I can imagine being with for a long time so I really want to make it work. But at the same time, I want to save both of us a lot of heartache if it isn’t going to work.
Madly in Love
Dear Madly in Love,
Relationships like this do work out for many people, but of course, there are also a lot of people unsuited to them. I can not know which group you fall into. I do know though, that if what you have between you is truly special having each other in your lives will outweigh the inconvenience and pain of being long distance.
There is no way to know if it will work until you try – but if you don’t try you fail by default. Isn’t it better to give the relationship your best rather than to wonder “what if?” for the rest of your life?
Nobody wants to be heartbroken, but near or far distance, there is always that risk. Relationships make us vulnerable. There are more reasons to give this a try than not to.
Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend told me today he feels like I am being distant. We have gone from talking until the butt crack of dawn, texting between conversations to random phone calls throughout the day where the longest sentence that is said is, “I will call you later. I love you.” It’s become hard for me to be sympathetic, my response to him claiming I’m being distant was, “well I am a thousand miles away.” – He is the perfect manly man, very distant, not lovey dovey by any means, but so in love with me. How do I make our conversations better? How do I show him I care? How do we make time between seeing each other easier? How are we supposed to get through this when the only thing I seem to know how to do is cause an argument, cause that’s better than silence right…?!?? (Sarcasm)
Thank you for your time, I appreciate any advice you may have for me.
Hopeless in Seattle
Dear Hopeless,
I must caution you that when a loved one reaches out to you, and lets you know they feel you are distancing yourself or tells you that they want to feel more connected to you, it will not do you or your relationship any good to lash out or reply sarcastically. It is possible to feel close and bonded to someone a thousand miles away, just as it is possible to feel completely alone in a room full of people. Your heart – and his heart – don’t know where each other is physically. It’s that mental and emotional bond that is most important there, and luckily it can be easier to foster that mental/emotional bond over long distance, because in a long distance relationship communication is really all you have. You need to both be good at it, and to open yourselves up verbally.
When you address this issue with him, you need to kindly let him know that communication and maintaining the bond between you is not a one-way street. It is not just your job. If he wants to encourage you to express love, he too needs to be willing to find his romantic side and do the same.
As to making the conversations better, even though you’ve had a really intense period of communication, you have only been together a fairly short time. There’s no way in hell you know everything there is to know about each other – so start by asking questions. You can either make it a game, deliberately seek out a questions for couples book, or just keep a list near your phone or computer and when the silence starts to stretch, pick a question and throw it in.
The next thing to do is to make sure your life is interesting. Instead of texting all day, maybe exchange a couple of texts (I mean that literally) in the morning, and save the bulk of your communication for a nightly phone call. Then go out and do things. Immerse yourself in your life, your job, your friends and at the end of the day share it with him. Something fascinating you learned at school, a funny work story, your observation of a weird person on the bus, the drama your friend has gotten herself into. Share it all! Share your passions, talk about the book you’re reading, the movie you just watched, his favorite video game.
And lastly, read the newspaper. Keep yourself up to date with world events, social issues, politics, developments in technology, even a little celebrity gossip. Stay in touch with the world and bring that into your conversations. Ask his opinion and share yours.
You already know that you’re going to talk to him, so prepare for it during your day by being observant. You can even supplement your conversations with picture messages rather than texting. Send him photos of funny billboards, cute graffiti on the back of a door or a beautiful sunset. “Saw this and thought of you” “Wish you were here” or “wanted to share this with you” are all nice things that bring a smile to his face and make him feel connected to you, without you having to be talking all day long.
If you’re still strapped for things to say after all of this, perhaps suggest watching a movie together or playing an online game instead. This way he’s still getting your time and attention. Keep it fun.
