Dear Miss U,
I have been dating my significant other for two years, and one month ago I moved 17 hours away for graduate school. We both have sexual needs and earlier this week we tried Skype sex. Everything went fine until after: I started crying. The experience served as a harsh reminder that I cannot physically touch him. It was not even that I missed the sexual contact, I just missed his presence: the hugs, the way he touches my face; and the feel off his calloused finger tips. Obviously, he did his best to comfort me, yet I still feel empty.
So…Is this a normal reaction to Skype sex? Aside from that, I am still not sure how to address being intimate over long distances in a way that does not emotionally drain me. Please help me; I’ve got at least four years of distance ahead of me.
Sincerely,
The lonely grad student
Dear Lonely Grad Student,
I have never had this reaction to Skype sex myself, but it is in no way uncommon especially amongst women whose relationships have gone long distance after a significant period of near proximity. Often, Skype sex can remind people more of what they don’t have than reinforcing what they do have, and because of the heightened emotions already abundant from being intimate, it can lead to a break down or emotional explosion.
I feel that the best thing to do would be to find something sexy and intimate you can do at a distance that isn’t designed to replace the sex life you once had but rather is something you would enjoy and would enhance your sex life even if you were close distance. This could be starting a game of sexual dares and challenges, or learning something new together like orgasm control or deepening your connection through breathing techniques. Your sex life at a distance will by necessity be different from what you have when you’re living together, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a painful shadow of what you could be having.
Here’s some additional food for thought:
Being together can be a bit of an abstract concept. For many people, they wish their partners were more present. You can sit next to someone and still feel lonely; alienated and disconnected from them. You can make love to a man who doesn’t seem to realise you’re even there – or can have emotionless casual sex for fun. Being able to physically touch your partner is only really the tip of the iceberg of togetherness. Conversely, when you’re together on Skype, there is a bit of sacrifice on the physical side. Most people will agree that masturbation is never as satisfying as the real thing, and there is the loss of that physical feeling of closeness; but you can take comfort in the fact he is wholly there with you in that moment. Mentally and emotionally, he is right there, with you. Holding you. Wanting no one else and nothing more than you. In some ways you may be even closer when making love at a distance – you’re opening yourselves up in a new way and to bring each other comfort you need to speak your mind and display your hearts in a way that isn’t half as necessary if you can just give the other person a hug instead.
This is a time in your life where things such as naughty notes, sexy videos and panties in the mail are of unparalleled appreciation. There are things you can do now that just wouldn’t be as effective if you lived in the same town – so go and embrace those things. Have fun with it, and teach yourself to look at this as an adventure and a way to strengthen your bonds, rather than something horrible to be endured. The mind itself is a powerful thing – it too is a sexual organ.
Dear Miss U,
Okay, I know we are both very young but our story is one a kind let me tell you. I live in Dallas, Texas my girlfriend lives in North Carolina. It is a huge distance that I myself see very large. I met her Freshmen year in Algebra 1 class. Her name is Michelle, she moved back this past March with her dad we didn’t have a chance until then to actually be something. I couldn’t let something like that slip. At times I feel like I don’t even know if I want this. I LOVE her so much I truly do, it’s crazy but I see myself marrying her someday. We talk on the phone every weekend for hours, text every day. I am teenager keep that in mind I have temptations you know, I want to kiss, hold, touch, hug and of course just affection. I want it all with her but the distance makes that impossible. I am sure she does as well were young, I trust her but I have issues with that as well. She is gorgeous very I am lucky, but I don’t even if she really wants this. I see her post lots of our things I send her and she posts on Instagram, and also tags things and mentions me a lot on it but does that mean something? I tend to over think A LOT all the time. I will be seeing her in December for about 9 days for all the days. But I don’t how things are going to be after that. How do I fix our relationship?
Please help please do
Thank You,
Etzael
Dear Etzael,
There is nothing to fix, your relationship and everything you feel right now is very normal. There are tons of young people (and older couples too) who write to me feeling exactly the way you do. (Check out the community forum connected to this site, having friends who are going through the same challenges is a great help.) The fact is, very few people actually want to be in a long distance relationship – they do it because their love is so special that they don’t think anyone else can compare. They do it because to them, it’s worth it. Having that person, having a future with that person, over-rides their need for physical affection. It gets them past the temptation. And then they make up for it when they finally do get to be together. Basically, you need to stop asking yourself “do I want this?” and instead focus on “do I want her?” and whilst your answer to that question is yes, then press on with your long distance relationship.
Note the things I have said in the letter above as well. Sure, you can’t explore all the touches that you would like to right now, but there are still new exciting and creative things you can do together at a distance to set your heart racing and make you feel connected. Affection and intimacy don’t need to be physical to be fulfilling.
As for how she feels about you, if you’re ever wondering, just ask her! To me it sounds like she’s invested in this relationship. She’s proud you are hers. She feels special when you send her things and wants to brag a little. These are all good signs.
And trust? Just do it. As you said, you both face the same temptations. But you manage to say no, don’t you? So you have no reason to assume she’s not at least as strong as you are.
Your relationship is fine. Don’t over think it so much, let yourself enjoy what you have – and the luck you’ve had to find it so young.
