A Christmas Pickle

Dear Miss U,

Before my boyfriend found me, he was planning on a trip to South Africa to pursue his dream career where his parents were from. Well, he saved enough for the initial part of it and now he has run across an unexpected snag and needs help financially. Albeit he didn't like asking me and now feels like a burden but I was his last hope. So of course because I love him I have been helping him. If I mention to coworkers or friends about my dilemma they'd assume he was a scammer - I've already been accused of this.

Well, we are on the last hurdle of the financial pickle and I want him back in the same country as me before Christmas but I have to save up for gifts for the season and everything.

I don't know what I should do; finish helping him or what?

Love don’t cost a thing

Dear Love don’t cost a thing,

You’ve been dating a mere three months and he’s already got you sending him money, this is a huge red flag. It’s hard for me, too, to believe he’s not a scammer because this is just classic scammer stuff. So, we’re going to address this first, and then the rest of your letter.

I want to believe the best about everyone, but we need to be logical too. I’m sure he is a great guy, but just in case, ask yourself how you know he’s not cheating you here. What assurance do you have that you’re not throwing good money after bad? If the answer is “love” or a derivative thereof, that’s not good enough.

Obviously, there are going to be more details than you can fit in a simple email, but how exactly is anyone capable of flying to another country, pursuing their career goals, and then getting home in time for Christmas? This doesn’t make sense. Then what happens? Do you have to buy him another flight so he can go back? I can’t think of a single career that would be resolved in a short couple of months. It’s not adding up.

With all that said — assuming he’s genuine — he’s waited this long, there’s no reason he can’t postpone this trip till after Christmas, and then you save money not having to fly him back. Put your friends and family who have always been there for you first, and then finish helping him out once the holiday season is over.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I are currently separated by 14,470 kms. We met on Tinder and after a week, decided to embark on a LDR. Agreeing to be exclusive and start this journey together.

I have fallen in love with this man. Some may say that is ridiculous after only a month. I don't feel the need to justify my feelings, but after being in two extremely serious relationships in the past, both with me who were purely lessons, I could recognize the man that I am supposed to be with forever.

Every day his compassion, kindness, understanding and support towards me, his family, and everything he values, makes me love him more.

The problem I’m faced with is that I miss him more with every day also.

I want to be able to tell him I love him, although we have talked about waiting to say those important things for when we see each other finally. We both believe they are words you can't say lightly. He has never been in love so I know his journey may be longer than mine, having experienced many false loves before.

I fear that being emotional and telling him on occasion how hard this distance is and that I miss him might make him pull away.

But I also want to keep the lines of communication completely open. He has been supportive and caring every time, I just don’t want to make things worse when things are truly perfect.

What can I do when I am hit with these emotions?
14,470 kms

Dear 14,470 kms,

I often felt the same way, afraid to ask for reassurance because I didn’t want to be clingy or needy, and I’d find myself apologizing to Mr. E about it. Eventually, we had a discussion about it, and it turns out I was thinking about missing him and worrying about annoying him, far far more than actually voicing my concerns. So there’s a good chance you do this too, and you’re not bringing up your sadness as much as you might think.

What you can do is stay busy, stay positive, and don’t take yourself too seriously. If you let your LDR be awful, it will be awful. Your attitude dictates your experience. You can choose to marvel at the sheer luck of finding your perfect person in this massively-populated world, or you can mope about a fixable thing such as location, it’s up to you.

I think it’s nice to take it slow, particularly in a long distance relationship where there’s only so far you can progress before physical proximity is required. Focus on building a good foundation of friendship and trust. Get to know each other deeply, ask questions, and just enjoy it for the beautiful process it is. It can be a lot of fun finding different words to express your feelings than “I love you” so don’t let that hold you back.

All the best,

Dear Miss U, I have been in an online relationship for 2 years. He started asking me for money right off and I did help him but now it is coming down to him coming to the US. There is a 7 month waiting period for immigration and that’s only if we do proxy marriage. Immigration told him if we paid $4,500 he could come in 3 months. We don’t have $4,500. He asks me a lot if my dad can help us. My dad says no way and gets angry with him and me for asking. Why does he keep thinking that it is okay to ask my dad and keep going there? My dad has never said yes. I can’t help him anymore either which maybe is why he thinks I will give in… [read more: Does he love you, or just your money?]
Dear Miss U, …Recently, he has been struggling financially so I offered to help him out by sending money through a money transfer service where he can go pick it up, but he suggested I PayPal him money at around 4 am his time, then apparently PayPal didn’t support the card he was using so he texted his friend who is a girl. She gave him her details so I could send her the money, I’m confused why she would give him her PayPal details without question, it seems odd and why she was also conveniently up at that hour… [read more: If you’re feeling insecure…]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.