Let It All Hang Out

Dear Seowa,

There are at least a dozen things that could cause a lack of interest. We won’t be able to go through them all, but I’ll hit the main ones with you and see if we can come up with something.

Firstly, how’s your libido in general? Are your physical responses there, but just not your mental ones? Do you still feel hot when you put on your favorite outfit or do a little shimmy when your clit rubs against something in just the right way (intentionally or by accident, doesn’t matter?) Do you still notice other attractive people? Do you experience little crushes outside of your relationship? (Please note, this is perfectly normal and not cheating, as long as they aren’t escalating.)

What I’m getting at is: is this a relationship thing or a sexual health thing? Maybe a combination of the two.

Look at your life right now. Are you busy? Stressed? Overwhelmed? Look at your relationship too, do you feel fulfilled? Are you both keeping the relationship fun and engaging? Do you feel connected to your boyfriend despite the distance?

If all these things are fine, work through these questions: Has something about him physically changed that you find less attractive? (No, this does not make you a bad person.) Has something in his attitude or treatment of you or your body changed, making you feel mentally less attracted to him, or even defensive? On that thread, how’s your self-esteem looking? Have you had a recent physical or mental change that makes you feel less attractive, making you not want to be intimate? These are legitimate questions, and answering yes doesn’t make you vain or shallow. But the answers might give you a clue to what’s happening.

Of course, it could just come down to boredom. Doing the same thing, in the same way, a couple of times a week for years does get boring. And it’s easy to fall into that trap in a long-term relationship. When we know what works we stick to it. So, have you tried mixing it up? Do you branch out your sexual repertoire, or is it the same old same old? There are plenty of fun things you can do at a distance. If you need ideas, hit me up!

With all that said, emotions are fluid. Libido is fluid. Sometimes you’re going to have a down period. Sometimes he will. Sometimes your hormones will be out of whack — or your life will be — and you’re not going to be interested. Sometimes, particularly when time is short, you’re going to want to prioritize things over sex. That’s just... human. And I assure you, over time it comes back. It can take a long time if there’s a physical root, or if your relationship needs to heal first, but you’re not broken, and neither is your relationship. When the newness wears off, the deep coals keep burning.

Whatever the cause, you need to talk to your partner. Get his support and work on solutions together. If you need to take a break from sexual intimacy for a while, work on your emotional intimacy instead, and he can enjoy a little Pornhub in his free time.

It isn’t possible for two unique faceted people to be a hundred percent compatible a hundred percent of the time. Be kind to yourself.

Dear Sav,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I feel like this is pretty rude of your boyfriend, and someone needs to have a discussion about manners with him.
Yes, it is normal for people in long distance relationships to multi-task while talking to their partners for extended periods of time. I liken it to being in the same room as someone because essentially that’s the function it serves in an LDR. You turn on your calling application of choice, thus entering your “house” together.

When we’re in a real house with our partners, we’re not talking all the time. We’re sharing space, but we’re also cooking dinner, studying, playing video games, or watching telly. So, when I want to talk to Mr. E and he’s busy at the computer, I stand by his chair, let him know I want his attention, and he pauses his show or game to give me his focus. If it’s not important I might call out from wherever I am and say it, but if I want a response, or I want him to remember it, I ask him to pause. He does the same for me. If I’m writing, he’ll get my attention, then wait until I finish my thought before saying what needs to be said.

Yes, sometimes we annoy the shit out of each other. Sometimes I have a deadline to meet, I’ve been swarmed by children all day, I’m finally sitting down to work and he’s coming by my chair every three seconds interrupting until I go, “Listen love, say everything you need to say right now, and then go away.” You just have to be honest and tell each other where you’re at and what you need, otherwise, they don’t know.

It was the same when we lived in different countries. He’d tell me, “I’m going to watch a movie now, so get my attention, then wait till I pause it or I can’t hear you properly.” So my suggestion is to be a bit more blunt with what you need when you need it. You want his undivided attention? Ask for it. Don’t be ashamed to do so! And if he starts doing other things when you’re having a consistent conversation? Tell him he’s being rude, and that you deserve actual respect. What does he want to teach his kid? Because that baby is going to be watching, and if he’s rude and disrespectful to mummy, the child will be too, right? We need to be the best versions of ourselves for them, and now’s a good time to start practicing.

I don’t think you should be worried. I’ve done pregnancy three times, and everything feels like the end of the world the whole way through, but it really isn’t. My best mate hates her husband when she’s pregnant, it’s a wonder they survived the birth of their kids, but they’re great together the rest of the time. It’s a hard, needy time, and it doesn’t get better right away (because newborns can be full on too, plus postpartum and breastfeeding hormones).

I also think being “meant for each other” only goes so far, and beyond that, it’s just a lot of hard work and deep conversations. We keep choosing each other every day. Even when it’s hard. Even when he’s rude. Even when you’re crying because there was a cute puppy in the toilet paper add. Keep choosing each other. Keep talking. And keep loving.

Good luck with your birth. It’s going to be the best, most magical day of your life. Labor is a lot of work, but it’s nothing to be afraid of.

Wishing you all the best,