I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for going on 2 years. We're freshmen in college this year, and our whole childhood, have lived no more than 5-10 minutes away from one another. Well now, there's about a 5-6 hour flight and 2,600 miles between us. I guess I'm just confused sometimes. With him being all the way across the country, it's hard to always feel connected like we used to be. I know we're so young, and changes are happening all around us, but I just want to know if there's a way to feel less distance between us. Airfare is expensive, and as a freshman in college, money is sparing as it is. The last month was our longest time together since August, and now, there are several months of uncertainty ahead of us. I just want to know what I can do.
- G
Dear G,
What a rough transition! I feel for you. I’m not sure what you’ve already tried but the number one thing that helped me personally was sleeping together over video or voice chat. Ha! I still get a bit embarrassed talking about it, but Mr. E and I did this for years! Ideally, we’d have had laptops with inbuilt cameras and microphones, but we didn’t, we had old desktop computers and housemates. So we’d stretch our headset cables from desk to bed, and once a week or so we’d have to take a night off because our ears would get so sore!
I loved it though. With the lights out, it was like he was lying beside me. If I woke up, I could hear him breathing. I sound like a creeper, but at that point in our lives it was what we both needed; it got us through. Our time difference was five hours in my summer and seven hours in winter, but most of the time we made it work, for at least some of the night.
So I’d start there. It gives you the feeling of coming home to someone every day, even if they’re already asleep when you get there (Skype has an auto-accept call feature).
Beyond that, using positive language that doesn’t highlight the distance can help your mindset. Teach yourself that when you’re together online you are TOGETHER. You’re mentally and emotionally in the same room. It’s not “I wish you were here,” it’s “I missed you today, that’s for coming.”
I don’t know where you were with the sexual side of your relationship, but if you were intimate in person, continue to be at a distance. It can be fun, there are new things to try, and a lot of laughs too.
Keeping an item that smells like him, eating meals at the same time where possible, etc... can also help. The most powerful tool in your kit, though, is your mind. Remember that you are connected: through your history, through technology, through the earth, and through your love.
In kindness,
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