Your Big Sexy Brain

Dear Anxious,

I guarantee he’s not going to think you sound stupid. Most people generally think accents sound endearing, even sexy, and he’s aware you’re bilingual and that your speech isn’t going to be perfect. He knows you’ve grown up in an English speaking country. Seriously, he would have to be some kind of assclown to taunt you for making language mistakes, and if he does? Good! That’s a clear indication that this is not the kind of person you should waste time dating. Either way, you win.

I really doubt this will be a problem though. Just be upfront, tell him you’re nervous and a bit sensitive about your language skill. Ask him to be gentle with you. You can do that! We need to tell our partners where and how they should be helping us.

Beyond that, when you voice chat for the first time, do it without your cameras. I found that doing it all at once right away was way too much pressure. Too overstimulating. So have a chat, just with your voices. That way you can both make your “omg I’m really talking to them!” face privately.

And yeah, we do all make that face!

Remember that the more you speak Spanish with him the better you will get, so this is a very temporary concern. There will be some awkwardness, he’ll help you past it. It won’t be a big deal.

Don’t let fear stop you doing things that will make you happy.

Dear Not Giving Up,

Just because he’s not planning a visit, doesn’t mean you can’t plan one. Even if you can’t afford one yet, doesn’t mean you can’t plan, budget and set a date to work toward. You’re a strong independent person, you don’t need to wait around for a man to come to you. If a visit is what you need, make it happen.

Now sometimes we have to fake it till we make it. Talk romantically to him. Talk sexy. Get that party started, even if you’re not feeling it right off the bat. Give him the opening to engage with you, so you can feed off each other’s energy. Sometimes all we need is someone to initiate.

On that same thread, the most important sexual organ in the human body is the brain. Make sure it’s working for you! People go on about the heart, but I’m fairly sure we fall in love in our brains. We fall in love with personality, not body. We connect through conversation, shared ideals, and fun. Touch is great and all, but have you ever been touched by someone you weren’t mentally interested in? It does nothing. Your brain needs to be on board.

I’m going to pull a little science from my other job for a minute. I’m a fiction author, and a big part of that is the ability to create sensory experiences through nothing but words.

Last October I attended a workshop with a wonderful woman named Nalo Hopkinson, and the most fascinating thing she taught us was that when something is described correctly the brain responds to that stimuli in the exact same way as if the body was interacting with it in real life.

For example, if you say “Suzie ate cake,” that does nothing within the mind. It’s boring. Who cares, right? But if you describe the textures, the scents, the memories associated with cake, you can trick the reader’s body into having a pleasurable experience. Even if they don’t like cake.

This is something everyone in a long distance relationship can draw on and use. When you speak or write to each other, use sensory language. Make up words if there isn’t one that says what you need to say. Make your conversations and messages so rich your brain turns them into reality.

That can be an everyday thing, or a fun role play thing. Whatever works for you. If you can’t remember how his touch feels ask him to describe it to you. And no, you’re not too old for this. No one is too old to invest in their relationship, learn new things about their body, or have fun. If you need a little added help, do the things to yourself as he describes them. Get him to send you a shirt he’s worn so you can smell him while you do the things with your hands that he wants to do to you with his.

Get in there, embarrass yourselves, make yourselves vulnerable to each other. Have some laughs. And most importantly, get your brain — your big sexual, romantic, vivid brain — to work for you, rather than against you.

In kindness,