Dear Miss U,
I am in a Military LDR and we have been separated about a year. It sucks being in a LDR but seeing him again makes it all worth it. Nothing has changed between the way we feel and interact with each other. I’ve noticed thus far being in the military that people fall in love quickly and decide to get married. Sometimes this happens in Tech School and sometimes it’s the person they dated before leaving for basic. I must admit, getting married has crossed my mind, but I see no problem in waiting. (Would be nice to be able to stay together) Well, getting to the point. I’m reserve and he’s active but we both hear a lot of “Don’t get too attached to one person.” and “You’re going to meet a lot of people so chances are it’s not going to work out.” It is the reality of things because people do, of course, change. What do you do when people, especially your parents don’t really believe that “settling” down is right at our age? And people think it’s stupid that I want to go and visit him. I’m told that it looks like I’m chasing him around. But because he’s active duty it is easier for me to see him. Feeling like no one around me really understands. Where is this line between chasing someone around the U.S. and trying to maintain a LDR? I’m not changing my life, but I will find a way to be with him. I don’t see where the problem is. I feel like I have the answers because people are always going to talk. But support helps.
Jasmine
Dear Jasmine,
I think advice like “You’re going to meet a lot of people…” “Don’t get too attached.” And “chances are it’s not going to work out” is redundant. No matter what career you follow or where you live, you’re going to meet people. And as you age you’re going to change. Granted the military is hard and can change people quicker than they might otherwise, but everything in our lives has an impact on us, our mannerisms and our futures. No matter who you are or what you do you face the risk of your relationship not working out. Some people grow closer together and others grow apart. So don’t waste time buying into other people’s fears, instead continue to do what makes the two of you happy.
With that said, I don’t see a good reason to marry before you’re twenty one, simply because your brain isn’t fully developed until then. Between 16 and 21 years old is a period of massive change, and at the end of it you may not even feel like you’re the same person you were at the beginning. And marrying later never hurts anyone, if the relationship is going to last it will do so regardless of your marital status.
As for visits, it doesn’t matter what it looks like – it matters what it is. I can look like a millionaire if someone puts me in the right clothing and make-up but that doesn’t change the figures on my bank statement. Perhaps point out the pros to them next time they say something – such as you enjoy the opportunity to visit new places. It never hurts to have a snappy come-back prepared.
Enjoy your relationship, and run it the way that makes sense for you. Surround yourself with people who do understand, people you can rant to and that will help balance out the people who just can’t grasp what it takes to make a long distance relationship work.
Hi Miss U,
My boyfriend and I are 16. I live in Ireland and he had to move to Australia with his family 2 months ago. Because we’re still young I worry if going long distance is foolish or naive. I love him and hope to spend the rest of my life with him but I fear we won’t work out or something and I’m so consumed with fear and doubts. Is it normal? What can I do to ease this?
Nikki
Hi Nikki,
It is normal to have the occasional doubt, and when facing a large challenge like international romance to have a little fear or wonder how you will possibly manage to pull everything into place at the end of the day, however if these doubts are all-consuming, that’s not normal. You shouldn’t be so ridden by anxiety that you have trouble enjoying your relationship and your life day-to-day.
In any relationship there is the risk it won’t work out, so one could say that all relationships are foolish. But they are also one of the best parts of life, and you’re young enough that if it is a mistake it’s not going to be some massive set-back.
Having a plan, even a vague one, will help ease your worries as will being well-versed in any immigration processes you may need to take as they are daunting at first. Planning for visits, even far off ones, will also give you hope and show you that you can achieve great things and you can indeed make this relationship work.
Think of it as an adventure rather than a risk!
