Worrying About Worry

Dear Feeling Lonely,

It isn’t enough. It’s not supposed to be enough. If it was how would any of us — as the often lazy and scared people we are — ever close the distance? This feeling you have is entirely necessary because it will drive you on to do what’s needed to eventually close the distance and make the relationship thrive.

In the meantime, it will be hard. There’s no way around that.

Despite the difficulties, keep at it.

You know what happens if you break up? You still miss him. You still love him. But he stops calling, and you stop having a future together. Long distance gives you the opportunity to make something from the heartache, even if it’s a long game. Breaking up a perfectly good relationship just because you don’t see each other enough is, in my opinion, utter madness. Temporary distance should never trump potential forever-bliss.

My best advice can be summed up in three dot points, but I encourage you to read through past letters to gather all the nuggets there:

• Practice gratitude and foster a positive attitude. You’re lucky to have found your special person so young, in such a wide world.
• Engage as many senses as possible. Buy his cologne, or have him send you a shirt he’s worn for a day. (Recommend shipping in a ziplock bag.) Communicate using voice as often as possible, video too if you can manage it; see and hear each other. Eat his favorite foods. Find new and creative ways to communicate beyond text messaging.
• Make having fun together a priority.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy, but you CAN do this!

Dear Risa,

If I knew the secret to stop being worrying I’d be writing this from the beach, holding a cocktail in one hand and counting my stack of money with the other. Sadly, I’m still figuring it out myself.

What I’ve learned so far is this:

• Pay attention to your thoughts. Recognize the negative ones and replace them with positive thoughts, even if you don’t believe the positive words at first.
• Have a plan, even if there are a lot of variables. Write down what steps you need to take so you can keep track of your goals and your time.
• Do the hard thing right away. That might mean having a tough conversation, or knuckling down for your visa paperwork. Whatever the hard thing is do it as soon as you can, so you don’t waste energy fretting over it.

I feel like LDR gets a lot of bad press. Yeah, it can be really hard. It’s certainly a different dynamic and takes some adjusting, but in truth, it only sucks as much as you let it. You can have an enjoyable LDR. You can make cherished memories over the distance and deepen your connection to the person you love. Your attitudes will be the defining factor.

To prepare, I’d look at the technical aspects. Do you have a decent headset/mic/laptop for video/voice chatting? Will you be using your phone for that? Are you somewhat comfortable with the technology and ready to go? Have you had a conversation or six about how often each of you expects communication? I generally recommend three messages a day (not conversations, single messages.) and an hour talk time as a minimum for work/school days, with longer catch-ups and cyber dates on the weekend, but your needs and abilities might vary. Have you talked about your sex life and the way it will transition? Have you talked about ways in which you can keep each other involved in day to day life after the move? That’s where I’d start.

I’ve done 4+ years of LDR personally, so I can assure you it’s possible. You can live through it and come out the other side happy, even without an end in sight right away. I think it’s good you’re at the beginning of your relationship together too, that’s an asset. You don’t need an exact end date; can you pin down an end year? Even that will give you a target to aim for.

I do think living with him a year is a good idea, but do that toward the end of his study because going back to LDR after living together is soul-shatteringly hard. It feels like a huge step backward. It’s much easier to survive long distance if you don’t know what you’re missing. It would be great if you could factor that year into your long term plan and have something to look forward to.

You will grow regardless of being together in person or not, don’t worry about that one.

Lastly, you DO have experience. It’s actually harder to keep a long distance friendship than a long distance relationship. (Though less time consuming, I suppose.) Remember that friendship is the foundation of a good romance. Take each day as it comes at you, be honest, and don’t fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself.