When He Chooses Distance

Hey Katie,

Firstly you need to explain to him everything you’ve just said to me. Tell him why you’re distancing, why sometimes you might seem cold or grumpy. Tell him you’re struggling a lot more than you thought you would be. Tell him you can’t sustain this. Let him know it’s serious, and that you’re not blaming him. Phrase it as asking for help, not blaming for struggles. Work through it together as a team.

This situation is super tough because if he enjoys this work it’s likely to become an ongoing thing. That means you need to find a way (together) to make it worth it for you. There needs to be some kind of pay-off beyond “it makes him happy.” That’s a sacrifice, not a consolation. It’s important to ask “What does Katie get out of this?”

For example, when Mr. E works a lot of overtime I don’t see him. We talk far less than we ever did whilst in an LDR. And I get resentful. The kids are exhausting, he still manages to leave his mess for me... Those times I have to stop and focus. I think about not only how much he loves his job, but also about the money and what that money enables us to do. I think about how supportive he is of my work and everything he’s sacrificed for me. It reminds me that we’re working together on our future, it’s a give and take.

People often don’t realize just how much their careers impact their partners, but even for near-proximity couples, it can be an awful lot. Working away. Coming home late. Being on call. Putting your life in danger. Coming home angry because you work a job you hate. All these things and more change the dynamic of the home just because of one or both partners’ jobs.

After you have a talk about making your very different lives a bit more compatible, and you’ve figured out what the pay-off is for you (so you have something to console yourself with), shift the focus to things that enrich your life. Time-consuming hobbies or friends you might unconsciously neglect when he’s around. Your own career. Maybe you could be studying in the evenings. Maybe you can take on some overtime to keep you busy and reach your financial goals sooner. If you really meditate on it, I’m certain you’ll find something liberating about the situation. Whilst it probably won’t get easier, you will get better at being long distance over time.

Personally, I’ve always been the flexible one, so I don’t really know another way to be. I’ve always been the one waiting at home. The one who drops everything to take the phone call or run the errand. I can’t tell you how to cope with that, because I have no experience with being anything else. But what I can tell you is sometimes you have to toot your own horn a bit to make sure your flexibility isn’t taken for granted. Don’t be shy about occasionally pointing out all the small things you do to keep the relationship going. If you don’t say something they legitimately seem to think fairies are doing it.

Lastly, attitude is everything. I feel like I write that in every letter, but it’s the truth. If you’ve decided to be miserable, you will be. If you put all your efforts into being happier, you stand a better chance of success. Start telling yourself “This job is awesome for us because______.” You won’t believe it at first, but keep telling yourself until it sticks. Practice gratefulness. And above all, be kind to yourself. Some days will be crushingly hard no matter how great your attitude is. Let yourself cry. Really feel it. Experience it. Get it out of your system. It’s okay to be emotional!

Each day is a step closer to seeing him again. Each day is another chance to practice your affirmations and gratitudes. Each day is another opportunity to make the LDR awesome.

Talk to him, and take each day from there.

Dear Mac,

I am upset and enraged on your behalf. You’ve been together four years. Much too long for him to just tell you he’s moving away to focus on himself and his career. That’s not how long-term adult relationships work. In the future, he needs to discuss big changes like this with you, not just spring them out of the blue. In the future, he needs to say, “This is something I really want. It will be hard. What can we do together to make it possible, and what can I do to make that easier on you?” Please forward that to him for me.

I, personally, don’t think you should have to put on a brave face. This is devastating. It’s a huge upheaval that you don’t stand to gain anything from. And it doesn’t seem like your feelings on the matter were considered at all. It’s perfectly fine to say, “I want to be happy for you, but I’m not there yet.” Or even “I am happy for you, but I’m still sad for myself.”

Give yourself time to grieve. At some point, you will reach a level of acceptance and it will become a little easier to go back to your normal supportive self.

Read the letter above this one, too, there’s relevant stuff in there for you.

It might be time to expand your support group. The forums here at LFAD are great if meeting up with people in the real world isn’t your thing. If it is, go to events surrounding your hobbies or interests. Have a book or movie you love? There’s probably a fandom for that. You like to draw or write? There are communities waiting to embrace you. Video games. Planning. Sport. Gym. Chocolate making. Religion. If there’s something you enjoy, you can make friends while doing it, both on and offline.

This would be a great idea even if he wasn’t moving away. Having friends who will help you hold your relationship (maybe marriage one day) together through the hard times is crucial. Your partner won’t always be interested in the same things you are, or might one day travel for work, or become injured, or countless other things that will lead you to needing support. Find your tribe. It’s scary, but you’ll never regret it.

Give yourself time.

Make a plan with him; talk about how often you expect to communicate, and how often he’s going to come back and visit. Make new friends. And tell him what you feel, especially when it isn’t easy to do so.

All the best,