Married Alone

Dear Kristal,

If this marriage dies in the arse before it’s hardly begun, that’s not going to be your fault. You are trying. You are already doing the things necessary to make a marriage succeed. But there’s only so much one person can do, because relationships take at least two people.

There’s a saying I keep in mind:

Marriage isn’t 50/50. Divorce is 50/50. Marriage requires both people to give 100%

Your husband isn’t even bothering to open his email. You seriously can’t make this any easier for him. There is nothing I can tell you to suggest to him that will be easier than “read the words your wife put her soul into.” I don’t feel you can ask less than that.

We’re at the point where he actually has to contribute. There is nothing you can do all alone to make the marriage stronger, and for the time being at least, you are alone in this. No matter how I feel about that, or how you feel about it. It’s not positive or negative. It’s not a compliment or an insult. It just is. You are alone in this marriage right now.

Personally, I think you need to be asking yourself what you can do to for YOU. How can you love yourself, right now? How can you get those needs met within the framework you’re given?

And you need to ask yourself what your deal breakers are. If every time he deploys the marriage goes on pause and he essentially disappears, will the times he is home be enough to make up for that? If nothing changes, can you be happy as things are?

Anxiety. I’m experienced with it, I suffer from social anxiety, specifically, but I’m not a trained medical professional of any sort. I manage my anxiety through a whole food plant based diet, exercise, and by recognizing my triggers. I have people around me that I can ask for help, people who recognize it is an illness and will come. Having someone who relies on you to function also helps. Nothing gets you out of bed on the hard days quite like a dog who’s going to drop a steamer on your floor if you don’t, you know?

The combination of these things has so far kept me off medication and functioning in society most days. With that said, anxiety is a medical condition. If it’s stopping you living the life you want to live go to your doctor and talk about strategies. If your doctor belittles you or is otherwise unhelpful, get a new doctor.

As a starting place:
- More veggies, more fruit, less processed food.
- Break up with coffee. Decaf it if you need to. (I can’t taste a difference.)
- Spend an hour outside every day, preferably moving your body. Doesn’t have to be all at once.
- Less screen time. I mean it.
- Remember that our thoughts create our reality, if you’re only thinking negative stuff, that’s all that will come your way. Train yourself out of those thoughts, taking it one day at a time.

With that said, I think even a person who does not have anxiety would question their partner’s devotion at this point in time. You can’t just tell a person you love them once and expect that to tide them over until the end of time. We humans need to be shown love. Consistently. You’re not weird or anxious or anything else for craving that basic human need to be met.

If you have a date for when he’s coming home next, I would definitely book a couple’s counseling session for then. You don’t have anything to lose, and although it can be expensive, divorce is also expensive. Consider counseling an investment.

In the meantime, throw yourself into something you love. Being ridiculously busy and satisfied in your own life does help pass the time. If you’re falling into bed exhausted each night, you don’t notice their absence quite so much. It’s not something you can do forever, but it might get you through to a point where you can get professional help together, or he finally clues in to the fact his laziness is destroying your marriage and he begins to try.

I pray he begins to try soon.
You are worthy.