I have a very interesting LDR. My SO is younger than me, in another country and speaks another language. Currently, I am speaking his language to communicate with him. We were pretty good starting out and then I canceled our first meeting in January. After months of asking me if I was coming, I had to pull out last minuted because of financial reasons. I tried to explain to him that flying out of the country is a little pricey, more than I anticipated. With that being said, it's still easier for me to go to him than it is for him to come to me. He says he understands but it was obvious he was very, very disappointed (he told his family and friends I was coming).
Between then and now we also had some fights, two of them I told him I had enough and that I was leaving the relationship, and I did for 5 minutes. I don't want to leave him. I love him but whenever he asked, "When are you coming? I want to see you" I cringe. I want to see him but I can't give him a concrete answer because I don't have the money to fly and I already feel bad for breaking my promise before and I don't want to do it again. I'm also reluctant because I don't speak his language well and no one in his family speaks English. I notice he doesn't say 'I love you' like before. He only says it if I say it to him first. I don't want to disappoint him again and I fear all the fighting has put a damper on our relationship. I don't want to sound cheesy but I want to fix it. Thanks for your feedback.
Bre
Dear Bre,
Relationships are a big learning curve. Both of you need to understand and embrace that. You both have to be able to apologize and give each other second chances.
To start out, apologize for the false break-up. Promise to never mess with his trust like that again, and don’t. Going forward, I want you both to know that breaking up is forever. It’s not a threat. It’s not a power play. It’s the end. Breaking up is for if you absolutely give up. It’s for when you stop loving each other, or for when one of you does something so terrible, time will never heal the wound.
Don’t joke about it. Don’t threaten it. Don’t go there.
Secondly, tell him to stop asking. Lay out your financial plan so he can see you are saving for the visit, and he can see how much it will cost you, and how long it will take to reach that goal. And then, only when you have the money in your hand, should you set a date to meet.
If he wants it so bad, regardless of who it is easier for, he will work toward it. Pressuring you gets you both nowhere, and you might need to point that out to him.
Tell him your thoughts and feelings, and that above all you want to overcome these problems with him. It won’t be easy, but if both of you want to fix it and are willing to put in the work, you’re halfway there.
My significant other and I have been together for approximately one year.
I have been making an effort to visit her more often, we are pretty serious at this point, although I question her feelings at times. The last time I was up there I noticed one of her closest male friends had several heart emojis saved next to his name in her contact list. This was a change since the last time I saw his name pop up on her screen.
We've discussed her relationship with him and it appears strictly platonic. Early on in our relationship, she intentionally did not mention times she went out with him (among a group of friends).
I guess my concern is whether this friendship is hindering her ability to fully develop feelings for me. I do believe we have a strong emotional connection, but I question if this is the case, since I have this feeling. I guess the distance can do this. Or am I overthinking this?
Troubled from a far
Dear Troubled,
If the best friend was a girl, how would you feel? Would any of this still bother you if the best friend had a vagina instead of a penis?
Does her friendship with him take a significant amount of time away from you? Does she see him a lot more than her other friends? Does she still go out of her way to hide their contact or is she completely open about her friendship with him?
I’m super biased answering this, just to be up front. I have a male best friend. He was even a bridesman in my wedding. He’s chronically single. I do send him hearts, I tell him I love him, I compliment him when he looks good. But I also do that for my female friends.
As much as I love him, he can’t replace Mr. E, my husband. The special thing that takes a friendship and makes it a romance isn’t there. Our life goals don’t align. Our morals, our religions, all the shit that is deeply important to making a home work between two people, my best friend and I don’t have that.
With that said, I do realize that some women cheat. I don’t know her. If your intuition is screaming at you, and you’re not by nature weird about friends of different genders, then you should listen to that. We have instincts for a reason.
For the record, I used to be a massive cheat. Mr. E was the “other man” for a few years. Whilst my partner at the time knew Mr. E was my friend and we talked to each other, I went out of my way to minimize his effect on my life. I didn’t talk about him. I didn’t try to get them to talk to each other or foster a friendship, because I knew there was no reality where they could co-exist.
From personal experience only, I would expect her to want the two of you to be friends — for you to be on good terms with all of her friends — and for there to be little to no difference between her friendship with him and her other mates.
If the only difference between him and her other friends is the hearts beside his name, I wouldn’t worry about it. That might have been the result of a joke or dare for all we know. But if there are other little things that are waving red flags for you, listen to them, make note of them, and when you’re ready, open a discussion with her about it.
At no point has my friendship with my male bestie (or any of my other mates) hindered my development of feelings for Mr. E. But then, my feelings for Mr. E didn’t hinder my feelings for the guy who went before, either. It’s scarily possible to love more than one person at a time. I don’t think you need to worry about this aspect. Friends are supposed to stand with you and help you hold your relationships together when the going gets tough, but what you have with your partner exists separately of other relationships in both your lives.
I recommend taking your relationship to the next level by getting your and her friends involved in whatever ways possible. Make a social group on Facebook to get to know each other. Play games online as a group, or host a movie night online. Perhaps if you know him and the rest of her crew, you’ll find there’s no competition there at all.
All the best,
Related Posts
- Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I met online and had an instant connection. We’ve been together for over a year now, and yet we have not yet visited one another. He keeps saying that we’re going to do it soon; however it has not happened yet. He’s a single dad, and scheduling and finances have been an issue. I have offered to come see him, and he continually says ok, we’ll make it happen. It hasn’t... [read more: Travel & Money]
- Dear Miss U, Hello, thanks so much in advance for reading this. I just wished to ask your opinion after I saw an email on my boyfriend’s laptop (he hadn’t signed out of gmail) from another girl. It sounded like she was planning to visit where he lives and he suggested good airlines etc. There was no real flirtation except she signed off saying “little kisses” and he wrote, “send you hugs and kisses.” I haven’t asked him about it yet. Am I just being overdramatic and reading too much into the email sign-off? I now feel cross with myself for not discussing it in person when I had the chance! I feel if I ask him now he doesn’t have to tell the truth as we are not face to face. Do you think it is too late to ask him now? I also feel kind of guilty as I clearly shouldn’t have read the email… [read more: How Many Kisses Is Too Many?]
About the Author
Search for Miss You Issue Topics:
Ask Miss U a Question
Ask for long distance relationship advice anonymously. Submit your question here.
Long Distance Relationship Forum
Browse our LDR community for support and advice from other people that are in long distance relationships.
