Perfectly Valid Feelings

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. I’m from the US and he’s in the UK.

At the beginning of March, he told me that he was beginning to be attracted to one of his female friends/coworkers for about 2-3 weeks. He told me because it was eating him up not telling me. From what he told me, she has no idea and he never acted on these feelings.

It broke my heart. We talked it out and made a plan to start spending more time together (at the time we would only call 1-2 times a month) and try and visit more and stuff like that. He told me he would distance himself from this person.

I asked him to eventually cut this person out. While I know I should never tell him who he can and can’t hang out with I feel like this is a fair reason. He agrees to cut her out but tells me I have trust issues I need to work on etc (which I do and I’m trying to work on).

Jump to now, and he tells me he’s at the gym with a friend and this person. I tell him it’s weird he’s out with her but he says, "Eh, you have nothing to worry about."

Am I crazy for expecting him to distance himself from her? Are my feelings of jealousy valid? It’s really hard to trust him when he’s still hanging out with someone he had feelings for. I want to believe he doesn’t have feelings for her but this was the one person I didn’t think I had to worry about when I met her and then he caught feelings. I don’t believe he has ever cheated or anything but it’s causing me lots of stress and anxiety.

Anon

Dear Anon,

Part of the reason he told you was likely to keep himself accountable, not to freak you out.

Personally, I think little crushes are normal. And that’s all this is. He works with her and sees her in public spaces with other friends or workmates. I doubt he knows her well enough to have feelings beyond basic attraction and curiosity.

What he’s not doing is lying to you. He’s not pretending she’s not around. He’s not hiding anything. That’s a damn good sign.

Asking him to cut her out... I don’t see how exactly you expect him to do that. He would need to change jobs or at least transfer to a new place. He’s not in control of who he works with. Likewise, I can see how it would be super awkward for him to tell the mutual friend, "Oh, I can’t gym if she’s there." Nothing good is going to come from that scenario.

What it boils down to is you either trust him or you don’t. Relationships are a heck of a lot like religion. There’s a lot you won’t be present for or can’t prove. You can either have faith in your partner and immerse yourself in the relationship, or you can walk away. It doesn’t work without trust, and he’s only given you reasons to trust him more, not less.

He saw a problem with the relationship and did the responsible thing by coming to you and expressing his concern. Together you’re putting a plan in place to strengthen your relationship. That’s a good thing! Don’t punish him by freaking out, or he won’t come to you next time.

All feelings are valid. Jealousy is a difficult beast to wrestle. As is unwanted attraction. Support each other in your humanness. But while you’re there, cherish that you have a strong enough relationship that he came to you with this problem, because too many partners don’t. They try to get through the feelings alone, often to the detriment of the relationship.

You’ve got this.

Dear Miss U,

My LDR girlfriend has been very depressed by her studies and her sick mother. I don't know what to do. I’ve tried to express that I genuinely care and am there for her and that I’m patient and willing to listen, but nothing seemed to have changed. Back then, we'd talk and video chat for hours every single day. But during the end of the second month, she became very stressed with med school and the fact that her mother is sick. During the start of the 3rd month, she started taking 1-3 days each time to respond, the most recent being 4-5 days which is the longest she's hasn't responded to me. She used to be worried that I'll leave her and now she doesn't seem to care. During the end of the 3rd month, she asked if I believe in the saying "you should never beg someone to stay." I was unsure and looked up the meaning and it says that you shouldn't beg, but I thought that if I tell her that I won't beg, she might think I don't love her enough. I told her how much she means to me, but later, she says she doesn't want relationships right now and that it's not because she doesn't love me, her friends, and family anymore.

Did I mess up bad? I feel like that's the depression talking. I can't do much since I don't live close at the moment. I also have been sending her a lot of texts for over a month now since she takes days to respond. So, I would at least leave a long and thoughtful text showing that I care, sometimes multiple. Is texting her too much bad? What else can I do or say? Does she still love me?

Eruu

Dear Eruu,

Assume she loves you until she tells you otherwise.

Sometimes, especially when we’re depressed or have lots of obligations, we simply don’t have the extra energy for relationships. At those times, only true friendships survive, because one person carries the whole relationship even though it’s not fair.

If you want to stick around, be warned that it might take years for her to get to a place where she can be the girlfriend you deserve.

Let me tell you a story.

In 2007, when I was a young warthog, I was at the end of my current relationship. We both knew it was over. What we had could not be salvaged. I didn’t want to salvage it. I wanted out. One night we had a big argument. He was like, “Why don’t you just leave then?!” and I said, “Because I promised I never would.” (We weren’t married, I’m just loyal to the point of stupidity.) He released me from that promise, and I cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, before I had a chance to deal with anything, I got a call saying my mum, who’d had a long battle with cancer, only had a month to live. They’d put in the morphine drip. I knew the signs.

So I said to him that I needed to focus on my family right now. I was putting our relationship drama on hold so I could be there for my family instead of dealing with chaos leaving him would wreak on my life. I asked him to just pretend we were fine and support me, and he did.

Even though he was utter poison to me and the people I cared about, I just couldn’t deal. So I didn’t. Sometimes a person has to cut their emotional output down to the bare minimum so they can survive. It took me four months after my mum died to finally break up with him, though by then I hated him. (We lived together too, so it wasn’t like I could just ignore him.)

I tell you this to give you a bit of insight into the emotional exhaustion she might be feeling. With depression, it can be hard to get out of bed and shower. No matter how much you want to, the simplest thing becomes a chore. Even texting your boyfriend back. For me, when I’m depressed, I love receiving messages. I want to know the people I care about are thinking of me, even though I often can’t message back.

But I’m not her. Ask her if she likes your messages or if they just drain her, and make it clear she’s not obligated to respond; that helps take the pressure off.

You’re not doing anything wrong. I don’t believe you’ve messed up. She’s just not at a point in her life where she can offer you anything. She can’t participate in a relationship, so is freeing you up to walk away without guilt. If you want to stand by her, do so. Think of it as a long term investment.

Dear Miss U, My girlfriend and I have just begun a 2 year LDR. I moved to the US to do a masters and she is in UK finishing her undergrad. Before we got together she was very depressed, locking herself away for days at a time, not eating, and feeling as though there was no positivity in her life; she nearly dropped out of school. The year we were together she was always happy, positive, and we planned our future together. Now that I am here she seems depressed again. She finally went to the doctors and they prescribed her pills. But that same doctor has previously misdiagnosed friends and family, and she was prescribed pills primarily because the waiting list for counseling is too long – she is unwilling to take the pills. She has recently made the decision to take a year off and focus on herself. I am so pleased she is doing this, but she refuses to go back to the doctors saying that it is pointless and the only thing that will make her happy is when I am back in the UK. How can I make her want to get better and find happiness in things other than me? [read more: Depression in a Long Distance Relationship]
Dear Miss U, My significant other and I have been together for approximately one year. I have been making an effort to visit her more often, we are pretty serious at this point, although I question her feelings at times. The last time I was up there I noticed one of her closest male friends had several heart emojis saved next to his name in her contact list. This was a change since the last time I saw his name pop up on her screen. We’ve discussed her relationship with him and it appears strictly platonic. Early on in our relationship, she intentionally did not mention times she went out with him (among a group of friends)... [read more: How Much Does a Heart Emoji Mean?]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.