Once and For All: Is It Worth It?

Hi Argentinian in love girl,

“Worth it” is hard to define. Plenty of people ask me if it’s worth it, and most of the time I say yes because for me it was. Not that I ever really felt like I had a choice.

Mr. E and I tried for a long time not to be together. We dated other people. We even cut each other off for several months, trying to kill the feelings we had for each other. He told me to my face (via the internet) that he didn’t want to love me and was never moving to Australia.

And yet here we are. He’s now a citizen of Australia, and we’re married with three kids.

But there were times — many many times — I wished I didn’t love him. When I realized how far away Canada actually was. When I realized how much money it would take to get us into the same room. When my family desperately needed my help but I was stuck in Canada with no money and no way to come home. When his mum guilt-tripped me about having our first child in my own country instead of theirs.

One night stands out the most distinctly in my mind. We were living in Canada at the time, and I hated it. It was cold and it rained constantly, even in the summer. My job sucked. Our unit was underground and dark. No one was interested in the things I’m interested in. It blew mad chunks. Anyway, this one night I’d just gotten out of the shower, and he hopped in. I could see his silhouette through the curtain. I just wanted to go home, but he hated my country as much as I hated his. I wished I didn’t love him. I wanted so badly to break up with that boy and move back to my home of sunshine and higher wages, family, and outdoor activities. But I couldn’t. I didn’t want anyone else but him. Couldn’t fathom a future without him in it. So I cried and I raged and I wrote awful things in a diary I later burned.

If I hadn’t already tried not to be with him, I might have broken up with him that night. But I had tried. We’d both tried and denied for years, and some higher power kept pushing us back together. I knew that come hell or high water I was staying with him, no matter how bad it got.

The truth is, some of the time it’s not worth it. Some of the times I didn’t know why I liked him, other times I didn’t like the guy at all. But we grew up, and as we’d chosen to do so, we grew together.

If I had the choice, I wouldn’t have put myself through all that.

And I wouldn’t have the man I have now. He’s my whole world. He is the reason I am happy.

You can take this anecdote a number of ways. You could try not to date your partner, to try and avoid the pain and difficulties long distance brings — Because you’re right. Long distance never ends, when you’re together, one of you will be missing their home and people. Forever — and you might be successful. You both might fall in love with local people who are better matches. Or you might find that matters of the heart aren’t nearly so simple.

You could take this letter to mean that you should have faith, to just run with it and see what happens.

You could take this letter to mean no one in their right minds would knowingly enter a long distance relationship.

Take what you need to take from it.

At the end of the day, most of the people who write to me have an answer they want to hear. They want me to validate them. To echo their internal thought. Go ahead and twist this letter to mean what you need it to mean.

If you don’t want to do this long distance thing; and you want to get out now before you’re in too deep that’s perfectly okay. Long distance is hard and if he isn’t absolutely everything you want in a life partner the payoff might not equal the investment. If you need to say “I can’t do this,” I’m here for you.

But if you’re looking for encouragement I’m down for that too. I would do it all again. Long distance turned out to be one hundred percent worth it for me. It couldn’t have worked out better if I’d planned it this way. Through our relationship, I’ve grown into myself, found greater faith in the universe/Goddess, and fallen even deeper in love with the man Mr. E has become.

But my experience isn’t yours. Trust yourself.

What does your instinct say?