LD without the R

Dear Recovering,

How does one recover from a relationship, knowing that their ex still loves them? Still wants them... just not now? What a cruel situation to put you in, though I too respect where he’s coming from.

I’ve always been a serious, jumping-both-feet-in dater. Mr. E. was not. When I moved to Canada to be with him, he struggled. He blamed me for taking away experiences such as living in a bachelor pad with his mates, like it was my fault he didn’t take the opportunity while we were separated. I once surprised him with a visit — before I moved there — and he chastised me for spending the money. “But I love you!” I protested. “Sometimes I wish you loved me less.” He said.

These days I wonder how I put up with his shit. He probably secretly wonders how he put up with mine. Luckily, I don’t ask him about it.

For me, it’s hard to understand why anyone would be so lucky as to find the perfect partner to spend their future with, and then pass it up. What do they think they will be missing out on? You can still have wild experiences and a whole lot of fun within a committed relationship. But that’s what makes the world interesting, all our differences.

My point is: at this stage both of you are still learning how to make your relationships work. Sometimes they will work too well and be scary. Sometimes the ride goes too fast, and someone starts screaming “Let me off!” Feelings will get hurt.

I’ve already half convinced myself this is just a break for you two. That’ he will soon realize what he’s throwing away. But if he says it’s over, we have to treat it like it really is.

I feel the best way to assimilate the knowledge is to change up your routine however you can. Pick up a new habit, like going for a jog in the early morning, or drinking a smoothie on your commute. Make small positive changes that nurture you, and signal an overall change to your system. In other words: change your day-to-day, even though those changes aren’t due to the breakup. Perhaps that will help it feel real.

Part of it, no doubt, is shock. As the surprise wears off, your new reality will settle and you’ll move through the other stages of grief.

I wonder if there is anything you want to do before you get all settled down and locked into a relationship again? Perhaps you could make a bucket list of those things and turn this into a positive, freeing experience. Something you can look back on and be grateful for. Perhaps even search online for articles like “twenty things to do before you marry,” etc. to get inspiration.

However it happens, remember that you did everything you could. You’re awesome. A great girlfriend, and friend. You’re interesting and driven. You have a lot going for you. No matter how bad this hurts, it’s not through any fault of your own. Be kind to yourself.