Of Friends and Zones.

Dear Friendzoned,
Your relationship is what you make of it. You want to talk about couple-y stuff? Bring it up! You want to talk about sex? Turn on that webcam, get a toy or lube or whatever and make a start. The two of you and the force of your personalities is what will make your relationship smolder or fizzle. Ten out of ten would recommend mutual masturbation.

Honestly, I understand why you don’t talk about your relationship. If you’ve got four years of long distance ahead of you, and you’re both fine with that plan, what even is there to say? Generally, people only talk about deep relationship stuff if there’s A) a problem or b) room for progression. But wait, if you’re talking to me, there’s likely a problem. It’s time to let your partner in on that conversation.

If you don’t think this relationship will survive four more years of this, you need to make a new plan. A plan where the relationship is your highest priority.

In the meantime, go back to your first-year conversations and see what was different. Maybe you can figure out why it was fulfilling and draw inspiration from your personal courtship story.

Have a search of these letters, too, because not long ago I addressed a similar concern, and we talked through the differences between friends and lovers. Something in those letters is likely to benefit you.

I can tell you it’s not too late. Married people feel how you feel now all the damn time. Sometimes relationships are exciting and sexy, but a good deal of the time you really are just best friends who scratch each other’s itch. I always advocate for fun. In your situation, I’m going to amend that to "sexy fun." Find a game to play together. Something hilarious and embarrassing. Do something you would never do with just-a-friend.

Long term, you maintain that spark the same way you maintain the rest of the relationship: constant effort. You succeed by choosing to succeed every day. I don’t actually care about D&D or VR, but when Mr. E gets that gleam in his eye, I pull up a chair because it’s not really about whether Valve Index beats HTC Cosmos, it’s a bid for attention. For energy, time, and love. I don’t care about D&D, but I care about him.

Likewise, Mr. E isn’t adventurous. He doesn’t want to have a quickie behind that bush, or take a risky photo, or plan a holiday we can’t afford to take yet. But he understands I’m making a bid, and we’ve agreed to respond to each other’s bids (and our children’s) as often as we can. Because relationships take constant effort. They need to be in your top three priorities, or they aren’t going to make it.

This relationship and any others you have will be defined by the energy the both of you put in. Make it what you want it to be.

Dear Alice,

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve had these conversations with Mr. E and been on both sides of the fence, so maybe I can help.

I too, never want to be that controlling girlfriend, so when Mr. E and I went official, I didn’t try to stop him being friends with his old bed buddies. They were the past and I was the future, and I was cool with that until they kept on flirting. That’s when I had to draw the line – when they became a threat to our relationship because they were trying to cross a clearly set boundary. He said, "No I have a girlfriend," they said, “She’ll never know.”

So I said, “They have to go.”

These girls your boyfriend is talking to don’t sound like that type, so let me tell you another story.

We’d been official for maybe six months, and uncommitted but involved for more than three years (LDR the whole time), when I moved towns and changed schools. I met a boy who was clearly interested, and in a parallel universe, I probably married him and not Mr. E. There was some early flirting, but I was like, “No, I’m in a relationship,” and that was that. This friendship made Mr. E uncomfortable, not for any reason other than the fact that my friend had a penis.

Eventually, we fought over it. I’m like "Honestly, would you feel this way if my friend was a girl?"

He admitted he would not. Well, let’s think about that. I’m pansexual. I could conceivably be attracted to or fall in love with any human. Men, women, enbies, trans - your hotness isn’t defined by what’s in your undies. "So, if I could be with anyone," I said, "Does that mean I shouldn’t have any friends at all?"

It clicked for him, and I’m hoping it clicks for you. Would you feel this way if those girls were guys?

Ask yourself, are you attracted to every guy you meet? Hell no! And even when there’s a little spark of interest, I bet you find something not quite right about those other dudes. Maybe they’re not hairy enough or their voices are too deep, or they are racists, or they don’t brush their teeth. Maybe you don’t even know why, they just don’t fit, because they aren’t HIM. Your partner is a human, first and foremost, so apply the same logic to him as you do yourself.

Why assume that these girls are a threat when they haven’t done anything threatening?

As a woman, surely you know the thrill and wonder that comes from a male friend who actually wants to just be friends and nothing else? It’s a beautiful thing. Something society tells us we can’t or shouldn’t have.

I’m still mates with that guy I met in high school. He was a bridesman in my wedding. Sometimes he comes to my house, sometimes we see each other alone. We hold hands. We talk about our sex lives and politics. And then I go home to my husband like I would after a night with the girls. Like I did before I met him.

My point here is: start thinking of his friends as friends, not as women. Not as rivals. You are already number one.

You’re both young. You are both going to meet a lot of people who belong to the sex you are attracted to throughout your lives, and that shouldn’t be an issue; no matter what stupid rom coms have told us all our lives.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. It takes two people to have an affair. If you honest to god trust this guy not to cheat, then that should be the end of it. You don’t have to trust them, only him. No means no. If they make a move after he has withdrawn consent, that’s rape. That’s illegal. And that’s not his fault.

Hopefully, you will meet them and become friends with them yourself. Hopefully, you will see all the reasons why they wouldn’t work out with him, and you do. Hopefully, that visit gives you the peace of mind you need. Until then, fight every negative thought with a positive one, and fight your paranoia with solid logic.