I really really hope you can help me out. I hope so with my life. I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years and 2 months. We’ve never met in person but I am making plans to visit soon. I would have visited all this while if I could, but we both don’t really have a lot of money to do so. I’m in Ghana and she’s in the US. I admit that it hasn’t been easy/perfect (but I mean, no relationship has ever been right?). I’m 5 hours ahead of her and just to be able to talk for a long while, I would stay up all night so that I can talk to her after she works, till she goes to bed. I try to sleep with her at the same time. She works from 7-3:30 and goes to bed at 10:25 pm. It would be 3:25 am in my country. But it has never bothered me sleeping late because of her because I love her and feel like she’s worth it. I do go to college so sometimes sleeping that late has its toll on me but I’ve never complained. We’ve had fights and insecurities in the past but we were still good. Our feelings have always been strong for each other. Well, so I thought.
She would feel lonely at times because most/all of her friends in person aren’t good friends so she doesn’t really talk to them. She is battling depression so I know that that probably makes the feeling worse. I made a lot of sacrifices for this girl and I know she did too and really wanted to with me.
Recently, she has been pushing me away. She wouldn’t want to do anything or doesn’t even talk as much as she normally does. I wasn’t feeling her energy and good vibe any longer. I asked her about it and she said she just felt bored (there were a few times boredom crept up on both sides but I knew that was because we’ve been together for so long but we do try to do new/more stuff and it gets us right back on track). I suggested that we try some new stuff but she isn’t even interested to want to do anything. It’s like all the energy and attention and excitement just disappeared.
I asked her if there’s someone new she’s talking to. She said there’s this coworker she started talking to both at work and online. He was new there and has been there for about 2 weeks. She said they just talk as friends. Nothing romantic or anything like that. She said she has only been giving him advice because he is going through a lot. My girlfriend is very caring for others, but I admit that she sometimes goes overboard and burdens herself with other people’s problems. So much that she gets so emotional when the other person is sad. I figured it out that he’s probably the one she’s directing all her energy and attention to because they do message each other constantly after work. I told her about what I was thinking and she said I could be right. I advised her to limit herself so that she doesn’t end up ruining our relationship because of this guy’s personal problem. I felt that during that time when she felt bored in the relationship, she directed her energy and attention to him and not on improving our relationship.
She goes on to say that “he makes things more exciting." And that they have so much together. “His stories are interesting and crazy and he makes me laugh." It really broke my heart to hear all these things because it sounded like she had found someone so much better and was closer to this guy than we’ve ever been. Don’t get me wrong though, I am very funny and make her laugh so much. We have a lot in common as well and I remember her going on about how interesting my stories are. But it seems like when this guy showed up, everything we’ve had for the past 2 years and 2 months meant nothing. As if it all went down the drain in less than two weeks of this guy’s appearance in her life.
She told me I made her happy. But not as happy as he has been making her because it also feels good to have someone in person to talk to and not feel judged. I do believe that she only has a friendship kind of vibe with him but to be pushed so far away because of him, looking at how long we’ve been together and how much we’ve shared, I don’t think I’ve ever been this hurt in my life. She did assure me that it’s me she wants to be with and not him. She doesn’t have that kind of feeling for him. But that doesn’t really make me feel so so much better when I could be pushed into second place all of a sudden by this guy in such a short period of time. I never had a problem with her having male friends and I know that he’s new so would probably excite her, but for her to start pushing me away at the admiration of this new guy, that was really depressing. I have female friends but I never would make my girlfriend feel so secondary in my life because of them.
I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that she still loves me and chose me. A few days after that convo, the guy stops working there (it wasn’t because of what my girlfriend and I talked about. She never told him about the convo. It was just a coincidence). When that happened, my girlfriend became a wreck. She wouldn’t eat, was sad all the time, and all she wants to do is cry all day so bad. I get it that it will probably be boring and kinda lonely at her workplace, but this is absurd. She got so attached to him in such a short time that she doesn’t even care about anything else anymore.
Nothing I do or anyone does has helped. I mean, it’s not as if he’s completely gone because they still talk online. She says that it feels like she has known him all her life and stuff like that but what happened to me? I’m still in her life and I love her and care for her with all of my heart but it seems like all of a sudden, all of that became irrelevant. I’ve been there through really really difficult times in her life but all of a sudden, some guy becomes more relevant than that in less than 2 weeks? I remember when she used to be that attached to me and I miss it. I crave for it. Right now, it only feels like I have the title “boyfriend” but he gets everything that comes with it.
I’m jealous, I’m worried I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m angry. But I fear to express the actual extent of my emotions because I feel like it’s only going to make her withdraw and miss him even more and want me even less. I understand that it probably feels really really good to have someone in real life to talk to about stuff but c’mon. If this goes on a few more days, I fear that I’m gonna explode with all my emotions. I don’t know what to do.
Please I beg of you in the name of God, help me
-Clifford
Hi Clifford,
That is really concerning!
The fact she’s talking through these thoughts and feelings with you is a good sign. It indicates she’s being honest, and considers you to be the person she turns to. With that said, she’s acting really weird. My instinct tells me it’s for the best that you haven’t told her how disquieting her actions have been for you.
I can see a lot of markers for clinical depression in your letter, but you can’t force her to get help, she needs to reach that decision herself. Therapy, in particular, doesn’t work until you are ready to get better (I have a history of mental illness).
I want you to know that sometimes in relationships we do take the back seat for a while. And then you have kids, and you’re in the back seat forever. Sometimes work or study or family or illness will be so hectic you have to do the right thing and step back, giving your special person the grace to focus elsewhere for a while. That’s a skill you can learn from this situation; and I do think you should look at what you’re learning from everything that goes down in your life and relationships.
Do I think she’s justified back-seating you? No. I don’t think she’s doing the right thing. But we all made dumb relationship decisions when we were young. Before we realized how good we actually have it. As she is depressed, her illness will make it hard for her to see these things clearly.
I’m with you. I think the crying and not eating is an overreaction and I don’t understand it. Particularly if she isn’t generally a super dramatic person. I feel like there must be something more going on here, though not necessarily romantic attraction. Perhaps her work environment is a lot worse than she’s let on.
Sadly, we can’t control other people. We can only control ourselves and how we react. I can’t tell you some magic secret that will have her stop hyper-focusing on her friend and bring her back into the relationship. I do think these things often run their course though. Infatuation usually dies when we get to know a person deeply and begin to see their flaws. He is new and shiny, but that doesn’t last.
I wish I could see a way forward from here, but other than encouraging her to change jobs or see a doctor about her uncontrollable sadness there isn’t a whole lot you can do other than wait it out. Pick something new and fun to do together without asking her to help think it up because maybe that extra pressure is too much for her right now, and hopefully that will resolve some of the boredom and disconnect.
Beyond that, I’m going to ask you to be your own best friend. I don’t know what your relationship is like overall, but I want you to give yourself the advice you’d give your best mate. If this turns into a long term problem of her treating you like a low priority, no matter how much you love her, let her go before the relationship destroys you. At this point, I say give her more time and delicately try to understand where she is coming from, but don’t let this situation stretch on indefinitely.
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