Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I just came to the UK for further studies 4 months ago. He’s in Cardiff while I’m in Leeds, We’re 5 hours apart by train. Before coming here, we made plans to work things out. We were perfectly fine just two weeks ago, when we last met. Since then, he had exams and it has been tough on him. Now after a week since his exams has ended he has gotten lazy; just being reluctant to do anything. It has been so bad that he barely messages me, neither does he call me. He now feels reluctant to continue with this relationship, but he says he still loves me and he still cares. I asked him frankly if he was seeing anyone or interested in anyone. He said no. He’s just in a phase where he’s not in the mood for anything. I love him so so much, and I’m just torn by the fact that the dream we once dreamt of is about to crumble. He wanted to end things, but I told him to try for a while more. I told him to try to put some effort in and see if things change, but at this point, I’ve been so broken hearted. I want this relationship to work out so badly. What should I do?
~ Torn
Dear Torn,
Is it possible he could be suffering some kind of depression, or is just overwhelmed by stress and seeking some way to lighten the load?
There’s not much you can do, as you can’t force someone to stay in a relationship if they are unhappy. Perhaps you could go and visit him even if it’s only one night and see if being together brings his hope back. Other than that, I suggest just relaxing a bit and letting him slack off for a week or two just to recharge as maintaining long distance relationships can be pretty draining. It’s ok to have some downtime where you don’t talk as much, as long as it doesn’t become a habit of laziness. Let some time pass and see where it leads.
In the meantime, lighten his spirits with a care package, send him a few funny texts that he doesn’t need to reply to and just in general show him that this relationship can be a safe haven from the stresses of study rather than just another thing requiring work.
Dear Miss U,
Alex and I have been in a relationship for a month. He lives in Germany while I on the other hand are from Philippines. There are many things he’s not openly telling me. It iis okay for me since we’re apart, however, I don’t think that it’s normal for him to keep his surname as a secret as well. I tried to ask him for couple of times, but he still wouldn’t tell me. Please help, is it one sided love? Or is he just playing games on me?
~ One-sided LDR
Dear One-sided,
I think realistically he is just trying to be safe. I don’t know how long you’ve known each other online before dating, but if you have not had a previous deep friendship or have not known each other for long, chances are he is just trying to be safe. He is being smart by not giving out personal information before he knows you better, and you should do the same. Make sure you are very confident people you meet on the internet are who they say they are before you tell them your address, last name or give out your phone number and never give out your credit card number or other bank details.
If you are dating five months or more and still don’t know his last name, then it might be time to be concerned but right now I don’t think it’s a reflection of how he feels about you nor an indication that he won’t put an effort into the relationship.
Take it slowly.
Dear Miss U,
My girlfriend and I began dating a year and a half ago. Our relationship has been amazing. We always made time to talk to each other, and made plans to see one another. We were open, caring, honest, and we have a lot in common. We hardly argued, but when we did, it would be quickly resolved.
I live in the US and she lives in England. I went to see her for a few weeks over Christmas, and we had a great time. We were devastated when I had to leave. However, less than a month after I came home she occasionally seemed cold and distant, and I eventually asked her about it. We had a long conversation and she said that she loves me and wants me in her life, but she’s worried that she doesn’t love me in the same way she used to. We decided we’re going to ‘take a break’ so she can sort out her feelings. I am giving her time and space- I do not want to pressure her into coming back. However, I feel like what’s happening is less of a loss of love, but more of a loss of passion and excitement. She told me that she loves me and cares about me and can’t imagine her life without me, but that she’s worried that she’s ‘stringing me along.’
She has been the kindest, sweetest, most caring dedicated girlfriend you can imagine. We have been through a lot together and I’m not willing to let go so soon.
I’m planning to wait a few weeks and sending her a letter with my thoughts (not pressuring her)- is that a good idea? And am I possibly right in that this is a loss of passion, not love?
~ She loves me, she loves me not.
Dear SLMSLMN,
I think it very well could be as you describe, perhaps that initial newness of the relationship has run its course, the excitement of looking forward to meeting is gone and now it just all looks like hard work. She may be asking herself if it’s worth it. On top of that the distance can sometimes make people feel distant. It can be hard to remember how great things are in person; to hold onto that feeling of connection when everyday life starts to intrude again.
It’s not too hard to bring that excitement back and keep the relationship fun. I think a letter is a wonderful place to start. Instead of waiting a few weeks, why not write in now and post it? These things have a greater impact when they are presented old-style.
You can’t make someone love you, but you can remind them why you’re the pick of the bunch. Find ways to show her you’re just as in love as ever whilst still respecting her space.
