Dear Miss U,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. We met at work, it started out as a friendship, but it quickly progressed into so much more. He just got his dream job in California. Which is GREAT and I’m so happy for him! But we currently live in Iowa. He’s moving in about a month and I’m going crazy. He says he wants to try and make an LDR work and I know I definitely do but I’m terrified. I was the first to say I love you, and I sometimes (always) feel like I’m more invested in the relationship than he is. He says he loves me and wants to make it work but I’m scared he’s going to go away and decide it’s not worth it. If that happens, I’ll be left with literally nothing since I’ve put my whole self into this relationship. I’m just confused and scared and no one seems to have any answers for me. Help!
Helpless Romantic.
Dear Romantic,
I see that your heart is charging right ahead and that’s a beautiful thing, but it’s time to reign it in a bit with some logic. You have been together only six months, I highly doubt you will be left with literally nothing in the unlikely event that you do break up. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, but you would recover. It’s great that you’re giving this relationship all your effort – but that doesn’t mean there will be less of you if it’s over. Don’t over dramatize the situation in your mind and stress yourself out.
The fact of the matter is that you probably are more invested in the relationship at this point than he is. In my experience, that is often the case. Women tend to be more social than men, with stronger needs for that emotional connection. It seems to take longer for men to become as serious and attached which is a good thing. There’s nothing wrong with taking things at a moderate pace and not rushing in, after all. It’s nice to take the time and build a strong foundation for the relationship. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the relationship or that he doesn’t love you as much as you love him, there’s no reason to panic.
I would suggest taking him at his word – that’s all you can do. He says he loves you and wants a long distance relationship, there’s no reason not to believe him. And if right now he wants the time to focus more on his career a long distance relationship will support that, rather than hinder it.
There’s nothing to be afraid of. If this relationship has what it takes to last, it will do so regardless of your proximity.
Dear Miss U,
I have been in a complicated love triangle for a while. I met a man 2 years ago (call him Topher) and we fell for each other right away. The problem: he had a girlfriend. Him and I continued to spend time together and even slept together, but he refused to call things off with his girlfriend, so I ended things. Topher and I still remain close friends. I met my current boyfriend, call him Roger, last year before things with Topher ended. Roger lives in another state, but was willing to fly me to meet him, so I went and fell for him. We visit each other once a month and the visits are wonderful, but when we are apart, he is insecure and jealous. He doesn’t approve of my relationship with Topher but I don’t want Topher out of my life. Topher recently broke up with his girlfriend and confessed to me that he still has feelings for me. I still have feelings for Topher too and I want to see where things go, but I’m still with Roger. I don’t want to date Topher because of his recent split with his girlfriend, but I don’t want to miss out on being with him. But Roger has been so good to me and loves me. I don’t want to see Topher be with another woman and it doesn’t bother me to see Roger be with another woman, but I’m worried I’m giving up something wonderful by giving him up but I don’t want to miss out on something wonderful by not pursuing Topher. Topher and I have more in common and we have more fun, but Roger is so serious and organized. I’m conflicted! Help me?
Confused.
Dear Confused,
I would think that you’d be happy that Topher has broken up with his partner, isn’t that why you broke it off with him to begin with? Now, I’m not one of those people that believe “Once a cheater, always a cheater” there are exceptions to every rule and people do grow, mature and change their values. But the fact of the matter is you know that man is willing to have an ongoing affair behind his girlfriend’s back – whoever she happens to be. Don’t be arrogant enough to assume that things will be different between you, that somehow he will love you so much that he won’t cheat because he probably loved his last girlfriend too and it didn’t stop him.
I think Roger is completely in his right to be insecure and jealous with Topher still on the scene as Topher is posing a threat to this relationship. His fears are in no way unfounded and I think if you do decide that he’s the keeper you owe it to the relationship to move on from Topher because those ‘what ifs’ will only hold you back, and there will always be pressure, however slight, to find out if things with Topher could progress.
One thing is for sure, you can not have them both. It’s one of those “having your cake and eating it too” things. Roger is probably the smart, safe choice; meanwhile we always want what we don’t have. I think, to help you decide, you need to take a take a bigger look at your life and what your future would look like if you were exclusively with one man or the other.
You’ve painted a picture of Topher as the fun one, so I’m imagining a relationship with crazy sex, travel, parties and skydiving. Whereas you’ve said that Roger is serious and I imagine more of a stable future, a warm fireplace, a tidy home, both of you following your careers and 2.5 kids on the horizon. Of course I don’t know either of them so I’m probably way off base, so do this exercise yourself. Choose the future you want because relationships are never a sure thing and you have no way to know if either of them will last.
With that said, I have a feeling you’ve already decided you want to be with Topher against your better judgement and you just need to hear someone tell you that’s ok, and it is. If you will live a life of regret always wondering what might have been, then you need to follow your heart. You’re already with Roger and his love isn’t enough to make you want to give up this man of your past and be faithful – so that probably answers your question better than I can.
