Sparking Reconnections

Dear Miss U,

My name is Chloe. I am 21 and live in Australia. I recently broke up with my ex that lives in Australia as well but a different state. Our relationship, you could say, was complicated. We have known each other for 2 years.

We got together this year and that didn't last long and we ended it because he said he needed to focus on himself right now. Then we got back together then ended it again. So we became like friends with benefits but still said lovey-dovey things to each other, like we can’t move on from each other and that.

And now this is the part where I made the biggest mistake of my life: I wanted his attention so I made him jealous, talked to this guy that messaged me first and me mentioning the guy to him because that would get his attention. I felt awful for what I did and I know I shouldn’t have done that. He gave me another chance and said that he can’t move on and that he still loves me, so I finally told my mum about us. But just recently he said he can’t do this anymore, and that it’s not like how it used to be, he also said he lost feelings for me. Why would he say he loved me just the other day then say he lost feelings for me? He said what I did broke him and that if I didn’t make him jealous he wouldn’t have lost feelings for me. I want to make this work with him, I tried everything, can you please help? Because I don’t think I could get over a guy who I talked about having kids, marriage, and a life with.

- Chloe

Dear Chloe,

I apologize in advance for being old, jaded, and grumpy, but this is straight-up the most ridiculous thing I have read all week.

You had a conversation with another human, one who happens to have a penis — just a conversation! — and you told the guy, who you’re not actually dating, that you talked to another penis-owner. He freaked out for no reason and I’m supposed to believe this is some massive betrayal? Like almost half the population aren’t dudes or something? Come on.

Even if you were talking about how hot this other guy was, even if you sent this dude nudes, even then I would be hard-pressed to believe this is the crisis your ex is making it out to be. You weren’t even officially dating. Just no.

Your ex is clearly a flake, and not at all ready to have a serious relationship. If I were to give you advice on how to make it work with him I would be encouraging game-playing, which I’m not down for. It’s time you both left this kind of high-school drama behind you.

There are people out there who manage to get over their breakups when they have had kids, a marriage, and built a life with their partner, so I feel 100% confident you can get over him after just talking about it. Particularly when you find a boyfriend who knows what he wants — YOU — and won’t jerk you around because he won’t be emotionally constipated.

I guarantee you this feels a lot bigger than it actually is. I’d put money on him looking for an easy excuse to get out of commitment, and that his “lost feelings” had little or nothing to do with you playing silly jealousy games. I’m sorry that it hurts and that love has been unkind to you, but treat this like a Band-Aid that needs to be ripped off and gotten over with. Take what you’ve learned from this relationship, cry into a tub of ice-cream for a few weeks if necessary, give yourself time to heal, and move on. Block his number too, so he can’t mess you around anymore, honestly. You don’t need that kind of immaturity and disrespect in your life.

All the best x

Dear Miss U,

I know this situation is extremely common when meeting people online , but it is still frustrating.

I reconnected with a guy I met online 5 years ago after 3 years of being out of touch. It was like no time had passed and as it was years ago, he made it crystal clear he liked me mentally and physically. He brought this up himself without me asking, but now the frustration has returned because he made excuses not to meet me back then. He did say he was unsure about people online and may have needed more time.

He still feels the same about me as he did then but it always seems to stop there. We were both excited to be back in touch, flirting, etc but when he went away for work, things died down. In one flirty conversation, he mentioned how it's clear we click as friends but we can't know if there's any sexual chemistry until we meet, which is true, but when I just came out and proposed having a short meeting in his country (coffee date type thing) he simply says we can discuss it when he gets back home and we need to be specific. I asked him what he meant, seeing as there's a slight language barrier but he never responded to that and no real messages since then. I don't know if I should have waited before I proposed this, but what gives with this behavior? Even if we just click as friends, if I’m offering to come there what's with the hesitation? Could he be blowing me off or do you think he'll want to discuss like he says?

- Frustrated and Confused

Dear Frustrated and Confused,

My friend, we’re both much too old to be letting menfolk blow us off. Mention it again when he gets home if he doesn’t bring it up, and ask him what you asked me: why the hesitation? Even if you just have a single lunch date as friends and decide to go your separate ways, at least then you will both know whether there is truly something between you.

Perhaps by ‘need to be specific’ he means he wants a proposed time and date for this meeting to happen, so he can make sure he’s not away for work? I know I personally try to lock specifics in with people just because it’s so common for people to give ideas lip-service. “Oh we should totally see a show at the Opera House sometime!” but we never do, you know? It’s just talk. Perhaps he’s afraid of being vulnerable, getting his hopes up for nothing.

I know a lot of people are afraid of meeting people from the internet because they are afraid of being scammed or abducted, or whatever horrible things they want to imagine, but if you’re meeting in a safe public place such as a café, there really shouldn’t be an issue. If he’s genuinely concerned that you might be an axe murderer, suggest to him that he have someone call to check up on him mid-way through the date or something. Typical safety stuff. Like I tell all my first-time-meeters, make sure you have seen each other on webcam first, and that at least one trusted individual knows where you will be.

If — even with safety precautions and you traveling to him — he still refuses to meet, I would take that to indicate he’s not looking for a real-life/real-world relationship.

Good luck! I really hope he will meet you; attraction that persists through years of absence ought to be explored.

Dear Miss U, My boyfriend and I met online and had an instant connection. We’ve been together for over a year now, and yet we have not yet visited one another. He keeps saying that we’re going to do it soon; however it has not happened yet. He’s a single dad, and scheduling and finances have been an issue. I have offered to come see him, and he continually says ok, we’ll make it happen. It hasn’t… [read more: Travel & Money]
Dear Miss U, Lately, my boyfriend has been putting less effort into our relationship like he used too (I get the “romance phase” and I miss that stage, to be honest) before LDR and even after we had a routine of us giving each other call. I’ll mention it to him but he says he’ll “do better next time.” I always have to call him. The only time he’ll text me first is when he texts “Good morning.” I have to initiate or he may not (I feel like he won't). [read more: Radio Silence]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.