It Takes Two

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend and I have been dating since freshman year of high school. Now, it's our senior year, but we recently broke up. He says he hasn't been as passionate about me for three months, but I couldn't tell. He said he sees me as more of a friend than a girlfriend, but he did used to be very in love with me. We started having problems in sophomore year, but what broke us up the first time was that I didn't trust he would stay with me, I said something that hurt him along the lines of, "Have fun with [name]" because I thought he would leave me for her. But I know we can fix this, but where do I begin?

Gemma

Dear Gemma,

The most important ingredient in fixing a relationship is both (or all) parties being on board. You can’t fix it if he doesn’t want to. Assuming he is aware that those intense early relationship feelings don’t stay, there isn’t any secret I can impart which will change his mind.

You can ask him if he would be willing to work on it with you, focusing on the quality of the relationship, maybe doing couples workbooks together or talking to a counselor, but if he says no, then no matter how hard it is, you have to accept it.

I’m sorry I didn’t have better news for you.

Dear Miss U,

My boyfriend lives in another country, about 3 hours by plane. When we're together it's all great, and before he started working, we never had a perfect LDR communication, but at least I could reach him all day long. I know he loves me and really cares for me, I trust him completely. The thing is, ever since he started working, we get to talk for two hours in the evening (he works from 08.00-20.00) and in those hours he also has to see his friends and do his sports and stuff.

I end up looking forward to the weekend so much, but although I seem to need more communicating, he is not really good with texting etc. In the weekends, where he has the day free, of course, he wants to go out and do things. But I want to talk, and Skype, and catch up.

On the whole week. I totally understand that he needs some fun after working all week. But I also need to get enough of him. He's had some issues with our relationship, being so far away, but both times he broke up, he realized he didn't want this, so he came back. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm waiting my whole life for him to communicate properly. I miss him even more than I did in the past and I'm getting so tired. I feel like I'm becoming needy and I'm afraid it'll suffocate him if I try to tell him. But I don't know, I feel like a kid who is trying to get his parents' attention all the time. My friends know more about my life than he does, just because I don't want to be texting everything instead of calling.

- Whatsappsucks

Dear Whatsappsucks,

Here’s the thing, if you’re not getting your needs met in a relationship and you never talk about it, you will never get those needs met. If you come across as needy and he breaks up with you, chances are he can’t meet your needs and is doing you a favor. Do you want to feel like this for your entire relationship? Of course not, you wouldn’t be writing to me if you wanted to suffer! So you actually have to address this with your partner. Nothing replaces communication in a relationship, either long distance or near proximity.

Clearly your preferred mode of communication is talking, which I 100% support because it tends to be the clearest method and also because you can say a lot more in the time it takes. But what is his preferred way to communicate? Would he respond to long emails? Seeming he only has two hours in the evening; can you call at lunchtime? Could he sit in his car during his lunch break for a bit of privacy or something? Can you get up earlier and talk during his commute? Is there another window of opportunity somewhere that you can use?

What about voice messaging? If you don’t like text, but he’s able to grab a moment here or there throughout the day, could you send voice messages with Facebook’s messenger or something? What compromises have you already tried?

See, if you don’t talk to him about it, he never knows there’s a problem. If he doesn’t know there’s a problem, he can’t fix it. Eventually, you get fed up and you leave, and he is dumbfounded because he thought everything was perfect. You have to say something!

Be clear about what you need and what the minimum you can accept is, and make sure your interactions are fun, too, not just talking. At the end of the day, it’s okay to have needs and to advocate for yourself.

All the best,

Dear Miss U, My partner and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs and the latest down is the line between personal space and communicating (I don’t know if I explained that correctly). What I’m getting at is, simply, I have no friends. And my SO does. I’m starting to feel like I’m “smothering” them by texting or being annoyed if they don’t answer or if they don’t pick up a facetime call and it’s like I feel like I’m being annoying and clingy because of my lack of friendships or even “life.” [read more: Non-Instant Communication]
Dear Miss U, ... And now this is the part where I made the biggest mistake of my life: I wanted his attention so I made him jealous, talked to this guy that messaged me first and me mentioning the guy to him because that would get his attention. I felt awful for what I did and I know I shouldn’t have done that. He gave me another chance and said that he can’t move on and that he still loves me, so I finally told my mum about us. But just recently he said he can’t do this anymore, and that it’s not like how it used to be, he also said he lost feelings for me... [read more: Sparking Reconnections]

About the Author

Miss U

Miriam Cumming is a writer, witch, and LDR survivor with more than a decade of trans-Pacific experience. She’s currently living in paradise with her one true love and their three little gentlewomen where she indulges in coffee, tattoos, and World of Warcraft. You can learn more about her writing and LDR success from her blog The Wicce Writes.